POSITION: Mother, Mum, Mama JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organisational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organise social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, and embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility. POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you. PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis. WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this ! You pay them ! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give hem whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more. BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

	THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's bonnet. male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra. LESBIAN (lez-bee-an) n. female: A woman who makes love to another woman. male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. male: Playing cricket without a box. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes. COMMUNICATION (ko-muu-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the lads. BUM (bum) n. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger. male: The organ for mooning (and farting). COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. female: A desire to get married and raise a family. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play or book. male: Sex FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. male: What women do while the man is shagging.

To be a kiwi. . . Being a Kiwi is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. Oh and... Only in N.Z. ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in N.Z. ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in N.Z. ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke. Only in N.Z. ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters. Only in N.Z. ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the drive & lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage. Only in N.Z. ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. Only in N.Z. ... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink. NOT TO MENTION... 3 Kiwis die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue. 58 Kiwis are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers. 31 Kiwis have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in. 8 Kiwis had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth. A massive 543 Kiwis were admitted to emergency in the last two Years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth. and finally..... In 2000 eight Kiwis cracked their skull whilst throwing up in the toilet