POSITION: Mother, Mum, Mama

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent

work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent

communication and organisational skills and be willing to work variable hours,

which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts

on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive

camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away

cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also

required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at

least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue

repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be

able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the

screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be

willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget

repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone

calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework

projects. Must have ability to plan and organise social gatherings for

clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be

indispensable one minute, and embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly

and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and

battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared

for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality

of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and

janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to

remain in the same position for years, without complaining,

constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training

offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this ! You pay them ! Offering frequent

raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of

the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give hem whatever is left. The oddest thing about this

reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement,

no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies

limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.