Journals
Wednesday,Aug 20 2008, 11:52:27 AMThe human heart
there are two kinds of hearts. A: a happy, joyful,optimistic,peaceful,friendly,gracious,merciful, smart, witty, glamorous, red and/or pink hearts. B: a sad, mournful, pessimistic, sorrowful, rediculous, depressed, unmerciful, ungracious, black, evil, pian streaked, blood soaked hearts.
whitch one are you? well, i don't know. but i know for sure, im the second heart. always crying, always lonely, always sad and depressed, always quiet, always shy, full of pain and anger, agony and a desire......
a desire to feel loved. to know its real, not pretend. to have someone beside you and tell you it will be ok. to hug you. to wipe your tears away.to feel alive. to know you really matter and exisist.
i suffer everyday. the thought of suicide flooding my mind, tears cascading down my face. i hate it, but i love it too. to have suffered for great periods of time.
they all say to hang with nice friends, to be with the family more often. they say once you've accomplished that, the pain will leave. to forget your past. to move on.
its hard. even more so when all you've ever known was and is pian and suffering. to be depressed. i have recently figured out a way to end, or postpone my tears and pain. to create new pain. i cut myself, but have not yet been dicovered.yay me!! lol. i love pain. if i had to forget my pain, well, it would be impossible to do the possible.
my best friend had tried to commit suicide. she was taken to a hospital. luckily she lived. but shes totally changed. always beeing watched. like mouse by a hawk in the sky waiting to devour its prey. i always feel that im trapped. that i cant escape.as if i were in a cage, stashed deep in the ground. i try to call out, but i cant hear a thing. cant see. cant breathe.
in my dreams, i break loose, but cant fly away. my black feather wings broken and mangled. but one day i shall fly again. the Angel of Death shall rise again.