Journals
Saturday,Jan 10 2009, 09:09:39 AMMAY 2009 BE A GLORIOUS YEAR FOR EVERYONE!
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I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK! LOL
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a
question..
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence
and you shot one with your gun, how many would be
left?"
"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly
away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I
like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now.
If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a
shop,one licking her cone, the second biting her cone,
and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?
Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one
sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding
ring on her finger. But I like the way you are
thinking..
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SIX AGAIN!
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking
at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked
what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On
the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl
of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of
Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then
it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her
husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with
a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six
again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
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A VIRGINITY TEST (JUST FOR FUN!)
Start with 100%. Bold everything you've done and subtract 1% for everything that you've done. Then repost as you're __% virgin.
1. Smoked.
2. Drank alcohol.
3. Cried when someone died.
4. Been drunk.
5. Had sex.
6. Been to a concert.
7. Gotten/given a handjob.
8. Gotten/given a blowjob.
9. Been verbally/sexually harassed.
10. Verbally/sexually harassed somebody.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR:
11. Felt someone up and/or been felt up.
12. Laughed so hard something came out of your nose.
13. Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend before.
14. Been cheated on by a boyfriend/girlfriend.
15. Been to prom.
16. Cried at school.
17. Gotten lost in a WalMart or a department store.
18. Went streaking.
19. Given or received a lap dance.
20. Had someone of the opposite sex in your room.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR:
21. Had someone of the opposite sex sleep over.
22. Slept over at someone of the opposite sex's house.
23. Kissed a stranger.
24. Hugged a stranger.
25. Went scuba diving.
26. Driven a car.
27. Gotten an x-ray.
28. Hit by a car.
29. Had a party.
30. Done serious drugs.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR:
31. Played strip poker/darts/basketball.
32. Got paid to strip for someone.
33. Run away from home.
34. Broken a bone.
35. Eaten sushi.
36. Bought porn.
37. Watched porn.
38. Made porn.
39. Had a crush on someone of the same sex.
40. Been in love.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR:
41. French kissed.
42. Laughed so hard you cried.
43. Cried yourself to sleep.
44. Laughed yourself to sleep.
45. Stabbed yourself.
46. Shot a gun.
47. Trash talked someone and then acted like their best friend the next day.
48. Been online for 9 consecutive hours.
49. Watched TV for 9 consecutive hours.
50. Watched an animal die.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR:
51. Watched a person die.
52. Kissed and/or messed around somewhere with at least 1 person present.
53. Pranked somebody.
54. Put somebody in the hospital.
55. Snuck into someone's room and/or your own room after being out.
56. Kissed somebody of the same sex.
57. Dressed punk.
58. Dressed goth.
59. Dressed preppy.
60. Been to a motocross race.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR:
61. Avoided somebody.
62. Been stalked.
63. Stalked someone.
64. Met a celebrity.
65. Played an instrument.
66. Ridden a horse.
67. Cut yourself.
68. Bungee jumped.
69. Ding dong ditched somebody.
70. Been to a wild party.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR:
71. Got caught stealing something.
72. Kicked/punched a guy in the balls.
73. Stolen a boyfriend/girlfriend from a friend.
74. Gone out with your friend's crush.
75. Got arrested.
76. Been pregnant.
77. Babysat.
78. Been to another country.
79. Started your house on fire.
80. Had an encounter with a ghost.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR:
81. Donated your hair to cancer patients.
82. Been asked out by someone that you never thought you'd be asked out by.
83. Cried over a family member of the opposite sex.
84. Had a boyfriend/girlfriend for 3 months or more.
85. Sat on your butt all day.
86. Ate a whole carton of ice cream all by yourself.
87. Had a job.
88. Gotten cut from a sports team.
89. Been called a rainbow.
90. Danced like a rainbow.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR:
91. Been mistaken for a celebrity.
92. Been in a car accident.
93. Been told you have beautiful eyes.
94. Been told you have beautiful hair.
95. Raped somebody.
96. Danced in the rain.
97. Been rejected.
98. Walked out of a restaurant without paying.
99. Punched someone/slapped someone in the face.
100. Been raped.
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Saturday,Jan 10 2009, 08:53:34 AMSOME SHORT JOKES FOR MY FRIENDS!XOX SHAKIRA
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had
broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"No, no,no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I`ve been trying to do that for years!"
***********
*Lost Wife*
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and
asked,"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of
nowhere."
***********
*Teacher*
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said the
sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet."Now then mister, why
do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing
up there all by yourself."
***********
*Hearing*
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set
of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you
can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I havn't told my family yet. I just sit around
and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
***********
*Wedding*
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of
her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment,then said, " So, why is the
groom wearing black?"
***********
* Dream*
A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically
to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for
Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"
With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."
That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his
wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to
find a book entitled - " The meaning of Dreams".
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Wednesday,Jan 7 2009, 06:00:04 PMTHE SUBTLE STUDY OF BOTH SEXES! HAVE FUN!
THE SUBTLE STUDY OF BOTH SEXES! HAVE FUN!
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
Adventurous.....................Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................No boobs
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure..............On medication
Feminist............................Fat
Free spirit..........................Junkie
Friendship first...................Former slut
Fun..................................Annoying
Gentle..............................Dull
New Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Poet.................................Depressive
Professional.......................pinkberry
Romantic...........................Frigid
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker
Widow..............................Murderer
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
And finally.....
A
recent scientific study found that women find different male faces
attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However
when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on
fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his
backside.
ANOTHER POINT'S OF VIEW
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No <-- only sumtimes, i mean wat i say
2. No = Yes <-- same as above
3. Maybe = No <-- that on my mood, good mood = yes bad mood = no
4. We need = I want <-- thats tru 4 me
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry <-- i rarely ever say srry, but wen i do, i mean it
6.
We need to talk = you're in trouble <-- not rlly, usually beginning
of "lets break up", "change of plans", or "i need 2 tell u sumthin
important", for me anyways
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not <-- so not true 4 me
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later <-- for me, it means "i dont care"
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron! <-- well, duh!!!! who doesnt know that
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about? <-- so true, lol
MEN'S ENGLISH
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! <-- y am i not surprised
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay <-- hahahaha, thats rite
#6,7,8,9,
& 10, kinda figured, but not all guys r like that, cuz i have
brothers, and well, sum applies 2 them, but #6,7,8,9,10 doesnt rlly
apply 2 them......i dont think so anyways cuz they're real respectful
towards their girlfriends
And finally.....
A recent
scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive
depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However
when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on
fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his
backside.
hahahahaha, i sooooooo agree