Journals
Sunday,Oct 17 2004, 02:50:01 AMhe Misunderstanding (Shed a tear or two...) >
he Misunderstanding (Shed a tear or two...)
>
> > > >This is a true story, taken from "Family" (dictated by LD, edited by
> >LSX,
> > > >translated by SaFe).
> > > >
> > > > > Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful
> > > >footsteps
> > > >to our family. Our original intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet
> >and
> > > >peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as
> > > >destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, everything became too
> > > >late.
> > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of
> >asking
> > > >Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years
> >with
> > > >us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother
> > > >endured
> > > >much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him
> > > >through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a
> great
> > > >deal
> > > >and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where
>
> >he
> > > >is
> > > >today.
> > > > >
> > > > > I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has
> a
> > > >balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant some
> > > >greeneries. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked
> me
> >up
> > > >and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down,
> >he
> > > >said: "Lets go fetch mother."
> > > > >
> > > > > Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to rest on his chest and
> >enjoy
> > > >the
> > > >feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into
> his
> > > >pockets. And whenever we have an argument and both refuses t! o back
> >down,
> > > >he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I
> > > >surrender
> > > >and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy
> feeling.
> > > > >
> > > > > Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her.
> >For
> > > >example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room,
> >she
> > > >could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young
> >people
> > > >spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat the
> > > >flowers!"
> > > > >
> > > > > I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will
> >also
> > > >become better."
> > > > >
> > > > > Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a
> > > >city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it."
> > > > >
> > > > > Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever
>
> >I
> > > >came
> > > >home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and
> >she
> > > >would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come
> >home
> > > >with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much
> >they
> > > >cost, and I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset
> >about
> > > >it.
> > > > >
> > > > > Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just
> >don't
> > > >tell her the full price of everything would solve it." There begins
> the
> > > >friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.
> > > > >
> > > > > Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the
> >breakfast.
> > > >In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the
> > > >breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark
> >clouds
> > > >before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use
> >her
> > > >chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest.
> > > > >
> > > > > As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and is exhausted
> >from
> >a
> > > >long day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of
> that
> > > >additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a
> >deaf
> > > >ear to all the protest mother makes.
> > > > >
> > > > > From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but
> >soon
> > > >her
> > > >help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all
> >kinds
> > > >of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and
> >that
> > > >resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would
> > > >scrimp
> > > >on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as
> not
> >to
> > > >hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash they again.
> > > > >
> > > > > One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes,
> >and
> > > >"Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room.
> >Hubby
> > > >was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak
> to
> >me
> > > >for that entire night. >
> > > > >
> > > > > I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally
> > > >ignored me. I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?"
> > > > >
> > > > > Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once?
> We
> > > >couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is,
> >right?"!
> > > > >
> > > > > After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not
> speak
> >to
> > > >me
> > > >and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the
> >house.
> > > >During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who
> >to
> > > >please.
> > > > >
> > > > > In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother
> >took
> > > >on
> > > >the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting.
>
> >At
> > > >the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his
> > > >breakfast
> > > >and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my
> >duty
> > > >as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted
> to
> > > >buying my own breakfast on my way to work.
> > > > >
> > > > > That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me:
> >"LD,
> >is
> > > >it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you
> >chose
> > > >not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone
> in
> > > >tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby
> > > >sighed! : "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left
> >with
> > > >no choice but to return to the breakfast table.
> > > > >
> > > > > The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I
> >felt
> >a
> > > >sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up
>
> >my
> > > >throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I couldn't. I
> >threw
> > > >down the bowl and rushed into the washroom and vomited everything out.
> >And
> > > >just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling
> >very
> > > >loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway
> >staring
> > > >at
> > > >me with fire burning in his eyes. I opened my mouth but no words came
> >out
> > > >of
> > > >it, I really didn't mean it.
> > > > >
> > > > > We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us,
> >then
> > > >stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a
> >final
> > > >stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days,
> >hubby
> > > >did not return home, not even a phone call.
> > > > >
> > > > > I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best
> >and
> > > >putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I
> >keep
> > > >having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for
> food,
> > > >coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at the low point
> >in
> >my
> > > >life. Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go
> >and
> > > >see a doctor."
> > > > >
> > > > > The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant. Now it became clear to me
> >why
> >I
> > > >threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that
> > > >otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been
> through
> > > >this
> > > >before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day?
> > > > >
> > > > > At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had
> only
> > > >been
> > > >three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but
> >one
> > > >look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to
> >him.
> > > > >
> > > > > He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he
> > > >doesn't
> > > >know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through
>
> >my
> > > >heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab.
> > > > >
> > > > > At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my
> > > >hubby:
> > > >"Darling, I am having your baby!", and to have him lift me up and spin
>
> >me
> > > >round in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in
> >the
> > > >cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even
> > > >withstand the test of one fight?
> > > > >
> > > > > Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the
> >disgusted
> > > >look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket.
> > > > >
> > > > > That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on
> >the
> > > >lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was
> >removing
> > > >the
> > > >money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank
> deposit
> > >
> > > >book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to
> >leave
> >me
> > > >for good. What a rational man! , so clear-cut in love and money
> >matters.
> >I
> > > >gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again.
> > > > >
> > > > > The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and
> >have
> > > >a
> > > >good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a
> > > >weird
> > > >look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in
> >the
> > > >hospital." I stood there in shock.
> > > > >
> > > > > I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had
> > > >already
> > > >passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless.
> > > > >
> > > > > I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't
> control
> >the
> > > >tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen? Throughout the
> >funeral,
> > > >hubby did say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted
> >stare
> > > >at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from
> >other
> > > >people.
> > > > >
> > > > > That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward
> >the
> > > >bus
> > > >stop, apparently intending to ! go back to her old house back in the
> > > >countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as
> >she
> > > >tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...
> > > > >
> > > > > I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not
> >thrown
> >up
> > > >that morning, if we had not quarreled, if... In his heart, I am
> >indirectly
> > > >the killer of his mother.
> > > > >
> > > > > Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a
> >strong
> > > >liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self pity
> >and
> > > >could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are
> > > >going
> > > >to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes,
> >all
> > > >the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had
> >rather
> > > >he
> > > >hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of
> > > >these
> > > >events happening had been my fault at all.
> > > > >
> > > > > Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by,
> >hubby
> > > >came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were
> > > >living
> > > >together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead
> >knot
> > > >in his heart.
> > > > >
> > > > > One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass
> > > >window,
> > > >I saw hubby and a girl I didn't know sitting facing each other and he
> >very
> > > >lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant.
> > > > >
> > > > > After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the
> >restaurant,
> > > >stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my
> >eyes.
> >I
> > > >have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The
> >girl
> > > >looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby
> >stretched
> > > >out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging me. I
> >can
> > > >only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink
> of
> > > >death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I
> will
> > > >collapse together with the baby inside me.
> > > > >
> > > > > That night, he did not come home, he had chosen to use that as a
> way
> >to
> > > >indicate to me. Following mother's death so did our love for each
> >other.
> >He
> > > >did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home
> >from
> > > >work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned
> >to
> > > >take some of his stuff.
> > > > >
> > > > > I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain
> >everything
> > > >to
> > > >him had vanished. I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone,
> my
> > > >heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping
> >his
> > > >wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to
> >me
> >to
> > > >consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not. I insisted on
> > > >having
> > > >to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her
> > > >death.
> > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room.
> The
> > > >whole
> > > >house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was
> >this
> > > >piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at
> it.
> > >
> > > >&g! t;
> > > > > In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to
> >find
> > > >peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You
> >wait
> > > >for
> > > >a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes,
> >just
> > > >like mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You
> cannot
> > > >cry,
> > > >you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears
> >come
> > > >out from there.
> > > > >
> > > > > After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging
> >tummy.
> > > >I
> > > >smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pull the paper towards me.
> > > >Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and
> pushed
> >the
> > > >paper to him.
> > > > >
> > > > > "LD, you are pregnant?" Since mother's accident, this is the first
> >time
> > > >he
> > > >spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell
> >like
> > > >raindrops.
> > > > >
> > > > > I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now."
> > > > >
> > > > > He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly
> > > >moved
> > > >over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so
> >far
> > > >away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot
> > > >remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me. I had really
> >originally
> > > >thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't.
> > > > >
> > > > > In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in
> >his
> > > >eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scares in
> each
> > > >other's heart. For me, its unintentional; for him, totally
> intentional.
> > > > >
> > > > > I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I
> realized
> > > >now,
> > > >what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated. Other than
> >the
> > > >thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my
> heart,
> >I
> > > >am
> > > >totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I
> >don't
> > > >take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him.
> > > > >
> > > > > From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love
> >had
> > > >vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the
> >bedroom,
> > > >but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no
> >choice
> > > >but to sleep in mother's room.
> > > > >
> > > > > At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I
> kept
> > > >quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he
> > > >would
> > > >fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him,
>
> >he
> > > >would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time; I cared
> >for
> > > >him and am concerned because there is love, but now, what is there
> >between
> > > >us?
> > > > >
> > > > > Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing all the way till baby
> >was
> > > >born. Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant
> > > >products,
> > > >children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and gags of
> it
> > > >stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use
> >this
> >to
> > > >reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions.
> > > > >
> > > > > He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his
> > > >typing
> > > >away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web
> surfing,
> >but
> > > >none of that matters to me anymore.
> > > > >
> > > > > It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year,
> one
> > > >late
> > > >night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing
> >into
> > > >the room, it is like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting
> >for
> > > >this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car,
> >holding
> > > >my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brown,
> throughout
> >the
> > > >journey to the hospital.
> > > > >
> > > > > Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the
> > > >delivery
> > > >suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought
> >crossed
> > > >my
> > > >mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?
> > > > >
> > > > > He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in, his warm
> >eyes
> > > >caused me to managed a smile at him despite my contraction pain.
> > > > >
> > > > > Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son, and me,
> >his
> > > >eyes
> > > >tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand.
> > > >Hubby
> > > >looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I
> >cried
> > > >out for him in pain..> . He smiled, but without opening that tired
> eyes
> >of
> > > >his. I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the
> >truth
> > > >is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that
> >moment.
> > > > >
> > > > > Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer,
> >it
> > > >was
> > > >already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last
> >this
> > > >long. I asked the doctor when did he first discover he had cancer?
> >Doctor
> > > >said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his
> >funeral."
> > > > >
> > > > > I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into
> his
> > > >room
> > > >and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me. Hubby's
> >cancer
> > > >was
> > > >discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought
> >that...
> > > >the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son:
> > > > >
> > > > > "Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at
> >you
> > > >before I fall, is my biggest wish now.... I know that in your life,
> you
> > > >will
> > > >have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany
> >you
> > > >throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no long
> >has
> > > >that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible
> >difficulties
> > > >and
> > > >problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with
> >these
> > > >problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion...
> > > > >
> > > > > Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have
> > > >accompanied you throughout your life journey. And to be honest, daddy
> >is
> > > >very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who
> >loves
> > > >you most and also the one who loves me most..."
> > > > >
> > > > > From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to
> >work
> > > >and
> > > >even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was
> > > >written! there.
> > > > >
> > > > > Hubby has also written a letter for me:
> > > > >
> > > > > "My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the
> >pain
> > > >I
> > > >have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I
> >want
> > > >to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby...
> >My
> > > >dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would
> >smile,
> > > >thank you for loving me... These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give
> >them
> >to
> > > >our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him
> every
> > > >year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the
> >packaging..."
> > > > >
> > > > > Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our
> >son
> > > >over
> > > >and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want
> our
> >son
> > > >to remember being in the warmth of your arms..."
> > > > >
> > > > > He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son
> >still
> >in
> > > >his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the
> >button
> > > >on
> > > >the camera and the sound of the shutter rang though the air as tears
> >slowly
> > > >rolled down my face...
> > > > >
> > > > > A fatal misunderstanding and the person who love me the most in
> this
> > > >world
> > > >is gone forever.
> > > > >
> > > > > The end...
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