Seriously, I can already anticipate my failure in accounting. I'm just not cut out for it! It's not like I never practise, I do, honestly. But why is it that I was unable to do the freakin questions posed to me?

Accounting is a waste of time and life, I think.

I have a test next week, on 10 lectures and 9 tutorials, a total of 19 copies of no-sense to study, then regurgitate all out during the test. What an exciting life. I cannot tell you how happy I am to be so sarcastic. Anyway, the test isn't on accounting so thank goodness.

Recently, I've been trying to sing. Yes, me singing. can you imagine? Yet one stupid problem, the most beautiful songs ever in history are those that will make your throat burst. If you get what I mean, those freakin high notes that will kill your vocal cords! I have ta use falsettos for those and it sounds really weird. Like singing Kelly Clarkson's song in falsettos? Forget it.

I'ma choose songs of Rihanna's and Britney Spears. Lol those which suit my vocal range more. Kelly clarkson kills, just steer clear and i'll be safe.

My friend and I had actually talked about joining a singiing competition 2 years later. But the thing is that our voices don't match. We have no song to compromise on! And it looks like now our voices have become even more dissimilar. I realized that the more I practise, the bassier my voice becomes and the further our voices drift apart.

I wonder what song to sing? Hmm... And I can't do high notes in a weak voice, I have ta project all of it out and it overpowers the other person's voice. Which is really out of my control. If sing high notes in a weaker voice, it wouldn't come out and I'd have ta use falsettoes. Ha, kill me.

I was washing my hair one night, when this influx of weird scented shampoo struck me there and then. It smelled so staggeringly familiar, one that brought back many distant memories of childhood.

It was the very same shampoo my mother used when she was down one of the neighbourhood salons, I think. There would be this same lady greeting us at the door, who washes my mother's hair everytime she patrons. Then, I would follow my mother whereever she went, around the salon, outside, though it was never often even then. Because my mom had conveniently put me in the care of the maid all my life, and we never had much time together which is also why I treasured the moments with her, even if it was that few precious ones. Well, to be exact, used to treasure....

Used to.

To be honest, I was never close with my mother or father, or anyone in the family. And as I age, I let myself drift further and further from them, not that I did it on purpose, but it just happens like that- like it was suppose to be something natural. I drift further and further apart from people as well, not physically but our souls- I could no longer truly bond my soul with anyone else. I could find no one worthy.  

So as time passes, my heart becomes number and number to the people around me. I don't really like anyone around me, not that I hate them, but I don't really like them that much. Like I could live alone in this world forever more and even if no one else is here, I don't really care! Once, these thoughts had managed to sent me into deep thinking. Am I really like that, am I really the unfeeling person I think I am? Am I lying to myself about being a person like that? I'm not sure, but yet I'm pretty sure- an irony.

It seems like life has become a very boring, systematic thing for me. I used to enjoy life when i was little, the innocence of the world, simple like the love for a mother, pure like a kid's liking for candy- like paradise, or rather, my paradise, everything I've ever yearned for. Like a white fluffy cloud that I sleep on, open my eyes to this beautiful world, with no worries, nothing deep or complicated. But now, I can only open my eyes to a sick perverted world, evil human beings lingering around my side, fear of many things that might happen, consquences of your every action, taking responsibility for things that you do or say, fearing for the worst every single day. As a student myself, I have to attend school everyday, and I hate this life. I don't like school,I don't like the two-faced monstrous creatures I see there, I don't like the fake smiles carved onto the faces of people from this realistic world. I don't like reality because it is hideous.

Everyone I know in person is hideous to some extent or another. Or even, myself. I don't know if the word is right, but I might be a perfectionist, not being able to tolerate personality flaws, getting so utterly disgusted and overly-agitated when people's words and actions suggests nothing of a similar nature. When they do things for a stupid motive, even something as simple as giving a smile. When they hold your hand and look you in the eye yet whatever that was going through their minds was something totally different. 

True enough, I have already taken the liberty to read myself like a book, and I've realized that I mean nothing to life and life mean nothing to me. I am not going to kill myself though, because I realised that whatever I've written sounds like a suicidal note. My honest words: To complete my education (which i take no apparent interest in), to get a job that pays good (my only motivation being money), save up, and travel around the world when I get older (One of the scarce worldly activities that arouses my interest). Since I cannot get innocence, I want money but not that much achievement, not that much affliation. I see myself as a money-faced creature who seeks to savour the pleasurable feeling that money will bring to my life. People say, 'money can't buy everything you want'. True, but so what? I don't go for that emotions-lovey-dovey-family-lover thing, i don't care if no one loves me, I love money and that's it. I've never lacked money all my life (thanks to my parents), but it just doesn't help such mentality at all. I cannot remember who psychoed me into such thinking, was it this sick and perverted world? Was it my parents or society? It just came to me as such... I'm happy like that, and I'm not lying to myself.

As i've mentioned above as well, some people are motivated by achievement, money and affliation, and some are motivated by power as well. One of the many things that constitutes this perverted world? Violence of course. Violence, even I'm violent, not physically but brutal thoughts that flash through my mind, that disgusts me, that sends chills down my spine. Violence, the war that goes on and on ever since 2001 (thanks to bush and osama).  Violence, to use authority, to over empower people of lower status- authoritative power. Violence, to use strength, to over empower people who are weaker- bullying, murder, abuse. Etc

Bye, innocent childhood. GoodBye. You are gone forever. I miss you, and you're the only one I love. I hope, i can only hope, that on day, I'd get to see you again, and we would reunite so that you could bring back that once upon a time, glimmer of hope to my dark and dull life. You are like a star, standing before me yet never in my reach and the reach of billions and billions of other alduts.

I've been thinking...is being fat a sin? Why is it so socially unacceptable? Other than the understandable health risks that are involved, is it only because being fat is deemed to be ugly in the eyes of the general public, and therefore everyone out there is striving to be skinny?

Sometimes, I don't even know what I'm doing to myself. Crash dieting and such, in hope of obtaining that ideal skinny body. Why am I so obsessed over beauty and thinness? Why do I try so hard to become the 'beautiful' person that would appeal to the senses of stupid shallow people whom i might or might not even know? Why am I so fucked up brainwashed by society's norms?

The thing is that I cannot help it. Society is so cruel. As the saying goes, 'once bitten, twice shy'. If you've never been through my phase of life, you would never understand how it feels to be physicaly ugly, fat, downtrodden, despised upon, bullied, outcasted, made fun of... You don't know how much it hurts to hear someone call out to you, hey fat pig. To have someone write in their journal entries, 'Oh, i saw yan today at school. Damn it, she's stil as fat as ever.' To have people boycott you because you're ugly and fat, the pig who would tarnish their fuckin reputation if they ever talked to you. To have people make fun of you because they think it's funny when you, the ugly pimply pig cries and run out of the calssroom calling mommy. To have people say mean things to you because they think you're so disgusting. To become the joke of the year since you have so many physical flaws people basically hate you for that. Yaddiyah... I could continue telling you the many many encounters of that dark phase of my life. It could fill a million pages I'm tellin ya.

And after that, in alduthood, what happens? it's proven that good looking people clinch the job more easily than not so good looking people. And yet again, what does it prove? The ideal physical beauty  icon is to be strictly adhered to, no other excuses, no other arguments. If you don't, you're fucked for life. The end.