Journals
Monday,Dec 20 2004, 01:46:00 PMermm... its beginning to look alot like...
Monday,Dec 13 2004, 12:56:28 AMRevelations 12 Dec 04 Despite bein bz with...
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Revelations 12 Dec 04 Despite bein bz with my daily schedule like work, school & other things in life, that somehow hasn’t stopped me from being distracted with the thoughts of you. I don’t know how it happen… and I don’t know how it all came together but one thing for sure it is all coming back to me. So maybe that is my part of retribution, my bad karma. And I eventually am beginning to feel the guilt. I take it, for it is my own doings. But it does make me wonder, why now? Why after so long then I’m feeling this way.. Few days ago I had this dream about you. And for the first time in my life, I can relate that as something much much way more pleasant than all those I had before. Can I ask you something? What is it that you been doing? Sitting by your room meditating and start sending me your so called aura vibrations or what so ever term you called it? I dare not make any assumptions coz I know that at the end of day it will brings me more mental torture than it has already been. Maybe, it is this time of the year, you know. People might wanna celebrate New Year with the one they love… and come to think of it I want it to be with you. I donno if I’m saying this right … I really don’t. I don’t know how to express myself and what more to make a confession about how I feel or what I’m feeling to the one I like or love. But after my conversation with Arlene this morning, I feel that ermm.. ok .. I shall give it a try. But wait .. I will not write to her or tell her directly, but the least I could do is maybe park it here in zorpia and if she is lucky enough, she will soon get to read this piece of.. ermm.. shit? err.. no… piece of revelations. Ok maybe it may not seem sincere enough, and maybe I could seems like a coward? But then again this is the best I could do really… Apart of you has grown in me throughout this time, but I’m not gonna do anything about it. Coz I feel that it is not the rite thing to do. You had done your part. You’d done your very best and now that we have gone into our separate lives, it is not fair to throw you with anymore information about my so called “feelings”. I never express myself when I was with you. I never wanted to. And I know you think of me as someone who is selfish, revengeful, cold & reserved. It’s okay really… not that I don’t care about your opinions of me but it is just that, what’s the whole point now? We are on our separate lives, remember? We moved on. But it is just me who suddenly feel so unrest with that feeling of guilt haunting me days & nights. So that is my problem, it got nothing to do with you. Where ever you are, what ever you’re doing, love is what I hope for you. If we’re lucky enough and God wants us to meet again, I be so thankful for such opportunity. That glimpse which I’m gonna have of you is something I’m sure worth keeping. But be rest assured that on day or any other day, coming up to you will be the last thing that I would wanna do. Whether or not, then you’re with ‘someone’ or just sits there alone, I still intend to keep the picture that way. We both have great egos. One is like a king and yours are just like a queen. You know I tend to say the wrong things at the right time, the right thing at the wrong time so I don’t wanna spoil anything anymore. It is more than enough to start things on the wrong foot, so why make it worse with further wrong moves. I’m trying to be practical. You know that. So here’s my q, why do you hafta link me? Am I suppose to be aware of your whereabouts or movements or development or anything of that sort? Ok yah.. you link but I don’t hafta go there if im not interested, rite? Well the thing is, I kepo what.. then I’m online most of the time so I go sites where I can read about new stuffs. And thanks eh.. that perfect picture of yours .. that view, that background.. so conveniently coincident huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Beautiful isn’t it? Great just great, so have you found Lake Romeo in other parts of the world yet? If you have, be more than happy to post it there again then and I’be more than willing to look at it again. Sakit tau hati aku. Kau menyakat aku ke apa? Apa maksud tu? That was sharp my dear, razor sharp! Your silence is a killer, but once you started demonstrating it cause a blast and you’ve blown me into pieces… wow so dramatic… but really what.. what are you doing? What are you thinking? You added me online, when I asked about your identity, which I obviously have no idea of who you are, as that was your new mail address, and you never replied. And eventually you link me to channel where I can find you. So when I we happen to get online, you… you…argh… What was that all about huh???? Care to explain? Maybe not! There are many times when you asked me to say the 3 letter word… my reply would simply be… “ What ever love means…yah I do”. It took you by surprise, I know that!! Then I feel like it’s a chore, you know!! Love comes naturally, you cant force it with mere sympathy, or any sort of obligations or some kind of affections. Now that this thing has already grown in me na-tu-rally and annoyingly abit to late to realise that … what else you want me to say? Perhaps nothing? But should you ask me that question again.. rest assured that you will be taken in by surprised only this time it is gonna pleasant I hope.. I do .. I truly….. argh.. eow.. the thought of me saying that, is enough to make me … ermm.. sick .. but ok ok ok.. I do… I do …alright hahahaaak… I’m serious!! You have no clue of how serious I mean it this time.. ok ok stop!! Goodbye.
p/s: thanks Arlene .. I’ll wash it away… p/s: I don’t normally post my journal here as I have it locked elsewhere. I'm a private person really.. I secure my privacy. This is just my attempt in trying to… to open up myself… so bear with me this time, and I hope this happens only once.. just once its more than enough. |
Sunday,Dec 12 2004, 03:20:41 AM:a sad love story: ================== The...
:a sad love story:
The hardest thing I had to say
It all started when I was 6 years old. While I was playing outside on my farm in California, I met a boy. He was an average kind of boy who teased you and then you chased them and beat them up. After that first meeting in which I beat him up we kept on meeting and beating each other up at the fence. That only lasted for a little while though. We would meet at the fence all the time and we were always together.
I would tell him all my secrets. He was very quiet he would just listen to what I had to say. I found him easy to talk to and I could talk to him about everything. In school we had separate friends but when we got home we would always talk about what happened in school. One day I said to him that a guy I liked hurt me and broke my heart. He just comforted me and said everything would be okay. He gave me words of encouragement and helped me get over him. I was happy and thought of him as a real friend. But I knew that there was something else about him that I liked. I thought of it that night and figured it was just a friend kinda thing that I was feeling.
All through high school and even through graduation we're always together and of course I thought of it as being friends. But I knew deep inside that I really felt differently. On graduation night even though we had different dates to the prom I wanted to be with him. That night after everybody went home I went to his house and wanted to tell him that I wanted to see him. Well, that night was my big chance and all I did was just sit there with him watching the stars and talking about what I was going to do and what he was going to do. I looked into his eyes and listened to him talk about what his dream was. How he wanted to get married and settle down. He said how he wanted to be rich and successful. All I could do was to tell him my dream and cuddle next to him.
I went home hurting because I didn't tell him how I was feeling. I wanted to tell him so bad that I loved him but I was too scared and frightened. I let my feelings go and told myself that someday I would tell him just how I felt. All through college I wanted to tell him but he always had someone with him. After graduation he got a job in New York, I was happy for him but at the same time I was sad to see him go. I was sad also because I didn't tell him how I felt. But I couldn't let him know now that he was leaving for his big job. So I just kept it to myself and watched him go on the plane. I cried as I hugged him for what I felt was going to be the last time. I went home that night and cried my eyes out. I felt hurt that I didn't tell him what I had inside my heart.
Well, I got a job as a secretary and then worked my way to a computer analyst. I was proud of what I had accomplished. One day I got a letter with an invitation to a marriage. It was from him, I was happy and sad at the same time. Now I know that I could never be with him and that we could only be friends. I went to the wedding the next month. It was a big occasion. The big church wedding and the reception at the hotel. I met the bride and of course him. I fell in love one more time. But I held back so it wouldn't spoil what should be the happiest day in his life. I tried to have fun that night but it was killing me inside watching him being so happy and me trying to be happy covering up my sadness tears inside of me.
I left New York feeling that I did the right thing. Before I left on the flight, he came running out of nowhere and said his good-byes and how he was very happy to see me. I came home and just tried to forget about what went on in New York. I had to go on with my life. As the years went on, we wrote to each other on what was going on and how he had missed talking to me. On one occasion he never wrote back to me at all. I was getting worried as to why he hadn't written anything for a long time after I had already written 6 letters to him. Well, just when everything seemed hopeless and sad in my life, I got a note that said: "meet me at the fence where we used to talk about things". I went and saw him there. I was happy to see him, but he was broken-hearted and sad inside. We hugged until we couldn't breathe anymore.
Then he told me about the divorce and why he hadn't written for a long time. He cried until he couldn't cry anymore. Finally, we went back to the house and talked and laughed about what I had been going and to catch up on old times. But in all of this, I couldn't tell him how I felt about him. In the days that followed, he had fun and forgot about all his problem and his divorce. I fell in love again with him. When it came time for him to leave back to New York, I went to see him off and cried. I hated to see him leave. He promised to see me every time he could get a vacation. I couldn't wait for him to come so I could be with him. We would always have fun when we were together.
One day he didn't show up like he said he would. I figured that he might have been busy. The days turned into months and I just forgot about it. Then I got a call one day from a lawyer in New York. The lawyer said that he had died in a car accident going to the airport. And that it took this long till everything was settled. It broke my heart. I was shocked about what took place. Now I knew why he didn't come that day. Again, I was broken-hearted. I cried that night, cried tears of sadness and heartache. Asking questions why did this happen to a kind guy like him?
I gathered my things and went to New York for the reading of his will. Of course, things were given to his family and his ex-wife. I finally got to meet her since the last time we met at the wedding. She explained to me how he was and how he always provided. But he was always unhappy. She would always try everything but she couldn't get him happy, as he was that night at their wedding. When the will was read, the one thing that was given to me was a diary. It was a diary that of his life. I cried as it was given to me. I didn't know what to think. Why was this given to me? I took it and flew back to California. As I flew on the plane I remembered the good times that we had together. I started reading the diary and what was written.
The diary was started with the day we first met. I read on till I started to cry. The diary told of him saying that he had fallen in love with me that day I was broken-hearted. But he was too afraid to tell me what he had felt. That is why he was so quiet and liked to listen to me. It told of how he wanted to tell me so many times, but was too afraid to say anything. It told of when he went to New York and fell in love with another. How the happiest time he had was seeing me and dancing with me at the wedding. He said he imagined it was our wedding. How he was always unhappy till he had no choice but to divorce his wife. How the best time in his life was to read the letters written to him by me. Finally, the diary ended when it said, "today I will tell her I love her". It was the day he was killed.The day I was going to finally find out what was really in his heart.
If you love someone, don't wait till tomorrow to tell him/her. Maybe that next day will never come at all.
Saturday,Dec 11 2004, 01:48:48 AMBiarlah semua yang kuinginkan Tak akan ku...
Saturday,Dec 11 2004, 12:14:22 AM"AND LOVE IS PROVED IN THE LETTING GO" And...
"AND LOVE IS PROVED IN THE LETTING GO"
And love is proved in the letting go,
It's all right I want you to know,
I am doing this because I care
It is not for you to despair.
I have had such fun with you
that now there is only one thing I can do,
I will let you walk free from my life
find someone else, free you from the strife.
I love you and I know that,
I have done for long now,
I know it sounds strange to love you
but darling I cannot help my feelings, I do.
We have spend those nights together
and I will hold the memory forever.
Do not think that I will forget you,
though I'm sure I can't mind if you forget me.
I won't look at you with tears in my eyes.
I won't let you know how much I've cried.
I'm glad you have someone else
Anything for you I would do.
The words you say hurt me much
I always seem to remember your soft and gently touch.
I wish I didn't hurt like this,
but its something your thoughts seem to miss.
Remember me then if you must,
Let it be for the good times you took,
I believed in you, gave you love, trust,
I know, even if you don't
that love is proved in the letting go!
Elaine Diskin