Journals
Wednesday,Apr 20 2005, 05:51:44 AMThose fucking words Fill said to me hurts so...
Those fucking words Fill said to me hurts so much I actually wept last night. That asshole. All right, maybe he's frustrated that I rather believe others than him after all what he had said and done. Whatever, but that's not the fucking way to speak to me. Damn, I wish Mark is with me. I am so so so so mad and upset. No guys ever use that tone on me. The accusing shit! So what if I hang out with Americans? English? French? That's fucking none of his business. Yes, I am angry. I am furious. I am raging with fire. So what's the deal that I don't believe him, there's no reason he should drag my friends into the arguement! I hate him... I am not going to speak to him until he apologise. Arguement is always inevitable. It's like a taboo. He gets all tense up and jealous when he knows I am on the phone with some guys. He gets all work up when I don't believe him. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with him. He's not my boyfriend, for god's sake. He's just someone who likes me, that's all. Even if that is, he shouldn't behave like this. I will still say I rather stay like Mark. Someone who, well, maybe understands me and we get along fairly well. Unlike argueing all the time. It doesn't make a complete sense.
The more I watched those Korean VCDs Aunt Michelle insisted I should catch, I wanna kick those guys arses. And the more I watch, the more I realised it doesn't pay good to be with a Korean guys. (No offenses, same goes to Asian guys as well) It's like an obligation to serve and listen to every single words they say. That isn't the way women these days should behave. WE HAVE A FUCKING MIND OF OUR OWN. We, don't need some guys to tell us what to do. We have decisions to make as well. Screw them! We aren't slaves. Worse still, they don't appreciate or give a fuck whatever you do. That's so not what marriage should be or relationship. Urgh, if I am gonna start screaming or whining, it's gonna be never ending. Fuck it!
As I was hitting the shower, I feel so good and calm once again. The cold water lingered down my skin turn my problems into ashes. However, when I spun around and my eyes caught the toilet roll staring back at me, those words Karl said to me this morning can't stop ringing on my head. Oh yeah, I am hopeless. And now Karl is not speaking to me cause he know there're others. Damn, what the hell is wrong with every single one of them?
Tuesday,Apr 19 2005, 06:10:46 AMMark got all weird last night. Totally! I...
Mark got all weird last night. Totally! I was kinda worried, thinking something must have happened. Mark got all upset thinking I was mad at him over something which isn’t true. No matter how many times I assure nothing is going on, he just says he’s not going to bother me… See, you know what I mean? I simply hate it when this happen. Yes, I do have sharp senses and I wasn’t going to let him off unless he tells me what exactly is gong on. He’s a great guy and I am not going to turn into blind eye, period.
Mark went up with a few buddies to the country where one of them has a bungalow there. He went fishing on a boat, camped out… Those typical stuffs. Initially, he was all casual and the next thing I know (like without notification) he got all upset believing I am mad at him over something which is so NOT true. It’s the exhaustion wearing me out, that’s all. So, I tried to mess around saying both Jen and him make a cute couple et cetera et cetera et cetera. I failed to crack him up. My plans backfire! Usually we laugh it off. However, he was PISSED. He was too emotional. I didn’t know guys have PMS. LOL.
“I wish you miss me as much as I miss you.” That’s what freaking me out. Furthermore, he said something like he want me badly, likes me and feel like he wanna give me what he have and stuffs. Scary. Totally. Like some kinda confession. Oh well, at least he’s feeling much better. Whatever, just another big apple guy though he claims he's always so comfortable, so open to me, let some of hisdeepest feelings to me. I don't know what's on with him being all so emotional.
"I am talking to Shai ann who lives in singapore and a person who finally fuckin understands me, who thinks the same as me, who is on the same radio wave as me. A person who i feel is on my level of understandment who is deep but at the same time so easy going, who knows when 2 be serious and when to laugh, who has sharp sense and totally tuned in." I was stumped. Stumped for words. I didn't know what else can I say.
Anyway, Freddie and I had another monthly heart to heart conversation. It's always so good to hear his voice. His trip to Geylang with his friends. His views, his thoughts. I treausre him. Definitely. Even though we don't meet up frequently. At least we talk on the phone for hours. LOVE HIM TO BITS.
Monday,Apr 18 2005, 09:43:45 AMIt's binary. Whether you love the attentions,
It's binary. Whether you love the attentions, stares and wolf whistles coming from the guys or NOT! On certain circumstance, I love it. At least that says I am still attractive. However on certain occasion when I gonna tear my hair out (that definitely spell trouble,) that simply peeve me.
Right away I got hold of my order out and walked the back alley (where those chefs able to look out of the window and see the alley stretch ahead right beofre their eyes) I heard those loud wolf whistles and those typical pick up lines which apparantly got me all pissed. Why piss? Basically because I am exhausted, sticky, hands fulla groceries and a fucking huge magazines on the toll. I know those wolf whistles and pick up lines was meant for me cause I was the only fucking human being walking along the back alley towards my house. I wanted to much to point the offensive middle finger right back at them or stick it into their candy ass but darn, I had my hands full. I just have to shut my fucking mouth and walk as fast as my legs could carry me away from those Malaysian chinese cooks. This isn't the first time they are doing this. It's starting to get on my nerves lately.
"Damn girl, it's flattering that guys would actually divert their attention and focus their damn eye on you. And you got the cheek to complain? Thinking you're too hot for them?" All right, this may be what others are thinking after I wrote that. Imagine, leering right in front of your face. Like can't wait to ripe off whatever is on your body and their eyes look like it's gonna pop sonner or later. Fucking hell. You wanna stare, sure! Not staring that fucking long enough to cook an egg on the non stick frying pan! That's just so Eww...
And Batman! He got back from Bintan and knew he had so much fun judging from his screen name. And I was taken aback when Batman wondered if I ever make love i the sea or the pool. BATMAN! Can you believe that? LOL. I wasn't offended or whatever. Just surprise! And he said it was wonderful. Guess that was what he and his girlfriend spent on Saturday. LOL. I was like, "Batman, stop flaunting to me." Man, he was kinda sensitive and assume I didn't want to talk about it. Oh Batman!! LOL. Always love messing him around with my insignificant joke. Haha... The funniest was when he asked me, "why McDonald?"
1. I always love McDonald
2. I saw two cuties. Two Caucasian guys. And one of them was checking me out AND we kinda smile. Haha...
What amazingly hilarious is when Charles guess they were Europeans and guess why are they cuter than batman. LOL. THat's when the making love in the sea came about. He's always so unpredictable. :P That explains why he's my Batman. Ewww, did I just say that? Must be the exhaustion complicating my mindand thinking. It's wearing me out...
Tuesday,Apr 12 2005, 03:32:45 PMOh my god! (Oh yes!) Jesus Christ, I...
Oh my god! (Oh yes!) Jesus Christ, I finally get to see Tommy Wiratama. Damn!! He’s over at Switzerland right now and boy, I wondered what the hell he is doing there instead of Singapore or Indonesia. Yes, I was gushing non stop and I can’t control myself right now either. Got all hyper! LOL. Even Elizabeth was screaming and both of us can’t help giggling. Heehee…
Monday,Apr 11 2005, 05:38:38 AMThis can’t be the worst argument I had...
This can’t be the worst argument I had with Karl. I sorted things out with him earlier on but he just can’t back off. Now that I lied I have a boyfriend for 3 months, he got all crazy. He started using crude words and shit. Oh whatever. This is for the best anyway. I still have Mark and Fillipe!
I don’t know what’s up with Fill. He professed how much he’s attracted to me, how jealous he felt when he knows some guys is after me and stuffs. And yeah, he said he was glad that Karl and I aren’t back together. (That definitely upset me knowing Karl and I aren’t even friends anymore.) Oh well… Yeah, you hear me.