Journals
Monday,Jul 25 2005, 01:21:56 AMdum de dum
Well, as you have seen, i havent written in here for a while lol.. i was about to the other night, but i had to go down to the basement because a tornado was heading to my house lol.. so that was hectic and it made me forget about writing another one of these. I am okay though, everything in life is sailing.. not all smoothly.. some rough waters, but i dont mind getting out and rowing a bit ;) I would like to thank everyone for there comments on my page and all :) its uber sweet of you :) and thanks to sarah for never getting sleep to talk to me lol.. you poor thing.. *hug* well i am going to scan some pics of me.. some are baby pics lol, im going to put them in my profile or on a seperate album as soon as i get them all scanned in.. i also have quite a few of my jim carrey impression photo's.. lol.. so if you like ace ventura.. come back a bit later to see my pics hehe (some say i look like him.. actually a lot say that.. they have since i was like 13.. lol) anywho, have a nice night zorpies! hope to talk to you all soon :)
Monday,Jul 18 2005, 06:54:34 AMback in the saddle again!
Might not be a huge shocker.. but i am back with dez.. i know some of you have feelings against her.. and might see me as sad when i am with her.. but that isnt true.. i love her.. and she truly lights up my life.. she always has.. and if im lucky.. she always will.. so.. thats just a bit of an update from chris-land :) enjoy your nights zorpies!
Tuesday,Jul 12 2005, 11:57:37 PMSo many tears..
Well.. i did it.. last night i broke up with desiree.. and i thought i wasnt happy with her.. but now i feel even worse without her.. :( but.. i wasnt very happy with her.. i tried so hard to look past things.. how she flirted online.. how she called others hott, and sexy.. and all that.. i tried so hard to look past her saying "i love you" to others.. and calling "her sam".. but i just couldnt.. i just couldnt do it.. then as usual.. i thought.. why is this happening? how is it fair.. she can flirt like mad.. its not that im not allowed too.. its that i didnt want too.. i was in love with 1 person, and 1 person alone.. so why would i want to flirt? why would i want to fuck around on her?.. but she felt the need to do that with me.. she still flirted.. she was still bi-sexual.. she was still always everyone else's girl.. and hardly ever mine. and i guess i just.. got to that point.. these last 2 weeks or so.. i had been telling her what i didnt like.. and how easy it would be to fix it.. but she didnt want to change.. and honestly.. she shouldnt have too.. but.. when i fell in love with her 2 years ago.. she was such a different girl.. she was so happy to talk to me.. even though we didnt get to talk much.. there were never compliants from her back then.. just happy to have the time we had.. as was i.. then the years went by.. and things got more to complaining.. not only on her part, but on mine as well.. it is sounding like this was 100% her fault.. but it wasnt.. and the 2 years i spent with her.. they were very honestly the best 2 years of my life.. she could make me smile like no other.. lol.. im crying just thinking about that girl that i left.. but.. i cried about 2 months ago as well.. because i saw her leaving.. this new dez.. she dosent even love me.. she loves sam.. or whoever else the next one will be.. it was just never me.. it seemed her attention and happiness came soley from others.. and i was just there to start fights with.. makes me so sad though.. she was.. and well.. still is my love.. i have to admit.. if she were to call me.. and say she didnt like how things are.. with us apart.. i think i would take her back.. because after all.. she was my baby.. but.. she never did call.. and last time.. i asked for a break.. not a break up.. but she had a date for 2 nights later.. so.. i bet she is doing just fine really.. seems when it came to me leaving.. it was never much of a threat to her.. more of a "well fine, go then, leave me" and well.. this time she got that.. so.. i guess this ends my saga with the great desiree.. i will forever have a place in my heart for her.. i will never ever forget the time we spent.. but.. jesus.. i regret so much how i took it for grantid.. i thought i had her forever.. if i would have known the big change was coming for this summer.. i swear i would have made this winter something better.. (not that it was bad.. it wasnt) but.. i love her so much.. with all my heart and beyond.. and i just really wish i could show it to her.. and have the same in return.. but i have written her emails.. very long ones.. and i had to pretty much tell her to write one back to me.. and i stopped writing them to her.. a while back.. because i read on one of her little journals.. she said "he wrote me another one of those sappy fucking emails" that really hurt my feelings.. i know im not good with words.. and i know she was mad about other things.. i know she might not have meant it.. but.. that really hurt me.. she really hurt me.. on many occasions.. and i know i have done the same to her.. but.. she also gave me the biggest smiles.. and the longest laughs.. so.. i will forever appreciate that.. ill never regret the 2 years we spent together.. ill never regret us having sex, ill never regret crying to her.. ill never regret anything but not taking it as one min from the next.. because all in all.. i swear i miss her so much.. so so so very much.. i just wish she would be the dez she used to be.. but.. life dosent work like that.. things change.. people change.. and well.. here i am.. i was hoping we could be friends.. but her next relationship.. whoever it is.. it will hurt me to hear about it.. but if she can smile while she says it.. it will be worth the hurt. so.. i love you desiree.. the dez you used to be.. and i always will..
goodbye my love..
Chris
Sunday,Jul 10 2005, 04:08:52 AM*pissed*
okay, to all you zorpies that know me.. you know of dez as well.. since thats all i talk about lol (she says i never talk about her, and all i do is flirt.. but you all know the truth huh?) well okay.. she buys me a t-shirt for my birthday.. while complaining she didnt buy herself a dress she wanted, but did get a shirt that said "taking this off, priceless" something to that nature.. which she felt she had to tell me.. as if i didnt already know her flirting style.. so anywho.. she buys me the shirt.. and i told her not too.. she had already bought me 2 things.. and her money is tight around there.. but she is sweet like that.. and she bought me a dave chappel shirt which i love hehe.. but yea.. on the ride home, she says "what time is it" i said the time.. and she said oh.. well i was expecting a call at 9.. (thats what got me goin) i asked "from who" and its from sam.. the girl she wants to fuck. so here i am.. and something clicks in my head.. *click* the last like 3 weeks.. she has been saying "im tired tonight" and getting off the phone.. oddly all before 9 pm... then when they are done talking.. she calls me back.. interesting no? then this is the killer.. everyone will laugh there asses off with this one.. cause to me.. she really hung herself with this.. okay, i said "so you have been saying your tired.. but you just hung up to talk with samantha" and she laughed and said "no" *she always laughs when she knows she is doing something she shouldnt be doing* so thats my green flag, thats how i knew about it.. then i said "your a bad lier dez" and she laughs again and says "im a really good lier.. you dont even know the half of what i do" lol! and she says she loves me? i dont even fucking flirt!!!! you can all 100% attest to that.. but see her little pages, and she flirts like the fucking world is going to blow up the next day.. so.. i think ive about had it to be honest.. i fell in love with the pre-dez.. when she was under 16.. now she has reached that "i want to experiment" stage.. and well.. that dosent include me ya know?.. so.. i think thats it.. i havent broken up.. but if i do, sam, or whoever the fuck she wants can slide in and take my place.. because im hardly there anyway.
Monday,Jul 4 2005, 01:14:01 AMwell..
Well, i guess we are okay now.. i suppose im just confused about things.. and im kinda thinking she is too.. but i have had so much support from you all.. from sarah-louise, amaryllis, slt, samantha, beth, beth2.. all of you.. i cant say how much i appreciate it.. honeslty.. it means a lot to me.. thank you all :) and i suppose we are doing well now.. so crisis is over.. red flashing light has stopped for a while.. i guess just remain hopeful and dont give up.. and things will usually work out.. im happy im writing that down.. because sometimes i dont see that.. not until its over.. so everyone else that is or was going through something bad.. remember.. remain hopeful, and dont give up.. cause honestly.. if you want it bad enough.. its yours.. if its meant to be.. its yours.. things will work out.. in your favor.. just be hopeful.. and never ever give up.. no matter what the odds are against you.
