Journals
Sunday,Aug 28 2005, 02:48:24 AMIn the woods without a trail..
Well.. i dont quite know what is going on.. its all so fast.. dez broke it off last night, she said i didnt care about what she had to say.. i guess it came out wrong or something.. because i have always cared.. i dont quite know what to think now.. she refers to me as an ex.. she has before.. but to me it sounds so finalized.. so i guess i wont object.. i hope you have a good life baby.. enjoy it as well.. dont let anyone get you down.. and maybe the next guy/girl will give you some self-esteem.. you shoudl have it anyway.. you are beautiful.. never had anyone say something different.. but.. ugh.. i will always love you desiree.. for the rest of my life.. i will always love you.. guess i will have to give you your heart back.. i said i would take care of it.. guess i failed on that one.. you can have it back.. but its in pieces.. like both of ours are.. anyway.. not meaning to dwell.. i love you baby.. the next will bring you happiness.. far more than you had with me, and im sure of it.
Saturday,Aug 27 2005, 01:27:10 AMBleak Life
Well.. my life has been dreadfully bleak lately.. makes me want to end it for a bit.. but if you end it, i think its permanent.. so here i am.. seems i am being yelled at for anything and everything anymore.. she just wont stop.. if she says "you never do ___" well whatever that ___ is, i do it.. but it dosent matter lol.. she said i dont call her beautiful enough (i think i did.. but whatever) so i said it more.. i say it like 4 times a day now.. and then she ends up saying she dosent feel anything when i say it.. and that sam (the bi friend that wants to hook up with her) says it, and she feels something.. and it means more when she says it.. but.. where is my motivation to want to say it more?.. i mean.. that alone makes me feel like utter shit.. so.. what in that makes me think "wow, i should really try harder, so she stays with me, and dosent run off with sam" so.. i mean.. i do love her.. and i do think she is beautiful.. but if each time you say it.. you are called a liar.. it makes you want to stop trying to prove it all together.. same with saying i love you.. i say it now as i did 2 years ago when we met.. the meaning is still the exact same.. what all can "i love you" mean? i mean im not talking about the price of tea in china here.. its love.. but when i say that, she dosent "feel" anything.. so.. why keep trying? its like i constantly have to re-assure her that i am not leaving her.. that i am in love with her.. that i think she is beautiful and sexy.. but.. after literally 2 years of doing this daily.. i guess i have just kinda reached the all important snapping point.. to where i just dont know what the hell to do.. seems when i try.. i get slapped down.. and yelled at.. when i dont try.. i am yelled at for not trying.. if i try a little.. then i dont love her enough, not as much as sam does.. but sam.. for god sakes come and take her! you must make her happy, way happier than i do.. so feel free. Then i have this whole sarah-dez jealousy thing.. sarah is like my bestest friend ever.. she is so close to how i think.. she is like a female me.. but its almost eerie.. lol.. she will say the same thing i say.. but as i am about to type it.. her logic seems to be spot on with mine.. but dez absolutly hates her.. i have to hide when i speak to sarah.. i never mention it unless she asks.. but for some reason she is liking to ask a lot now.. so i tell her.. knowing full well that any answer i give to these questions will lead into a night of hell.. but.. i dunno.. im trying to find ways around things.. like.. i dont mention sarah.. when britian or the uk comes up in a conversation, i just talk about pump.. but it cant be done.. if i mention pump, she thinks of sarah.. or.. well anything.. a can opener would somehow make her think of sarah.. and i dunno.. she is REALLY telling me to get rid of sarah.. one of those "if you loved me you would" kinda things.. but.. i want to be able to have a few friends.. i want to put a stop to this.. i lost ashley cummins to this same kinda thing.. and i lost a few other good friends as well.. and it was all because she didnt approve of them.. just like she dosent approve of sarah.. like i can only talk to butt-ugly girls, or guys, or girls she knows are not my type.. anything non-threatening.. and well.. i cant blame her.. i mean that would be the perfect life ya know.. never worrying about your lifeparter wondering off.. but.. the funny thing is.. i feel that way.. not because i say "dont talk to her" its becuase i TRUST her.. something she does not, and hasnt done with me for a year or so.. not to say she should blindly trust anyone in the world.. but i would appreciate the accusations to stop.. the things like "are you telling sam to hit on me" i mean.. why the bloody hell would i do that??? i hate sam with a passion lol.. yea "hey sam, try to take my g/f away from me like normal, but this time, really go overboard otay?" lol.. i was appauled.. but i tried to just kinda let it all go downstream. so anyway.. i guess i am living in a confusing time right now.. i just dont know what to do.. neither of us will budge on this shit.. and we are both getting our fill of it.. so.. is this the end? my only friend... the end.. (from a song btw) and i dunno.. i just feel like constant poop. i never feel happy anymore.. like im just living from day to day praying to god to not fight tonight.. to not want to wreck my bike purposfully into a tree.. but. it all falls on deaf ears im afraid.. not that im saying this is gods fault (i hate when people do that..) its mine.. i have let myself be walked on for 2 years.. and now that im wanting to change it a bit.. and say "no.. this friend i want to have" i am suddenly marking the beginning of a war.. and its now what i had intended.. not one bit.. anyway.. i love you desiree.. whether you believe it.. or think im saying this out of habbit.. i love you with all my heart and beyond.
Tuesday,Aug 23 2005, 03:00:08 AMDays gone by
Well here i am, what is this.... ah the 22nd, meaning i have 3 days
till my 2 year 2 month anni (i thought iw as 3, but i was wrong.. 
I like that though, 2 and 2 hehe, nice and even lol.. also she has joined zorpia (if you didnt see her, she is on my buddylist 
)
also got some news about the house, we finally got it up on the net for
sale :) i hope to sell this house, but not before we are starting to
move into the new house.. because i want to be able to move outta here
to the new one.. instead of going to a bloody apartment.. oh i added a
link to my photography pics.. you can look at em the link is above
pengy (the penguin i have at the top of the page) so feel free to take
a look at em.. but be nice lol, im not a pro ya know... guess thats all
i have to say really, enjoy your nights zorpies :)
Monday,Aug 15 2005, 02:12:53 AMDrama's
Well.. a lot has happened recently.. and now im a bit scared to write
anything about it.. seems i have some visitors to my page (dez, her
friends) and they are now looking through my things with a fine toothed
comb lol.. so here you go baby i love you! :) also, i have been trying
(key word is trying) to make some vaio lust stuff.. I like what i have
made so far.. but im working with maya.. (the hollywood program) and
its a bit hard to use when you dont have the manual.. but im trying
anyway lol.. the wee vaiolust folder is up there /\ feel free to
look, and ill try to put in more as i make them 
i love you dez
Monday,Aug 8 2005, 03:02:32 AMDial-up hell.
Well, comcast is my cable internet (and cable tv) company.. and lately, the cable comes on.. then goes off.. then comes on.. then goes off.. then comes on.. well.. you get the picture. so i call comcast.. after one 20 min wait i hang up like an impatient person.. and i hung up only because it stayed on for a bit.. so i thought it was fixed.. but nope. so then i called again, and they made me wait for 20 min again, and they picked up and the guy told me to change my modem.. which i did, and then after him and i exchanging info for about 30 min, he decides that the modem isnt broken, then he says "so i think its in the company, and its not your fault" lol.. well DUH!!! so now i have NO cable internet connection, so here i am on 56k.. ugh.. i cant use explorer.. somehow comcast made it say "this action is now forbidden by comcast cable company" so.. ya know a big "fuck you" came out of my mouth.. and here i am.. 56k and slow and mad lol.. so.. thats my update.. the assholes at comcast said they can come on thursday.. (why so late? i have no damn clue, they said that was the soonest.. which is rediculous) but thats it.. nothing else is really new.. so.. yea.. lol and dont be offended if i dont type back in the personal messages.. because with aol it says "recipiant not selected" so yea.. have a nice night zorpies :)
