Journals
Tuesday,Aug 29 2006, 10:24:02 PMTruth.
Thats it. Im done faking, im not a fake person, and i cant pretend any longer. I dont care what this does to me.. what it means to me.. what it means to anyone, i have to write this, because i need to be honest with myself, with the world. I am not over her.. i have tried hard to be.. but i am not.. even this second.. as i am shivering alone at my computer.. its her that i wish to call.. i will not call.. because it just hurts me.. its not worth the call now.. but i do want too.. i want to call and say "i love you baby.. i still love you so much" but i cant.. it would do no good.. it would not be heard.. it would not be felt.. I am not one to give up.. at the same time.. im not one to fake a sort of happiness.. a moving on that has not occured.. and i am not going too.. I believe in destiny.. i believe in soulmated.. but that belief truly is fading.. its fading slowly.. but it is fading.. i believe things have changed for the worst.. no matter what she thinks.. its what i believe.. i think things are not as they should be.. and i (personally) am not happy without her being with me.. i believe she will never find someone like me.. i said mean things.. but i said good things too.. no one will be able to call her beautiful like me.. they can call her beautiful.. but it will never be a reserved word like it was for me.. they can never know her as i knew her.. i was with her through the worst parts of her life.. as she was for me too.. it hurts me.. it truly hurts me to see what is happening.. how ben is the new chris.. how she misses him so effin much.. it does.. but its her life.. im not a part of that life now.. she is happy without me.. she is loving it.. but.. i truly do think someday.. she'll relize why she wants to cut all the time now.. i think she'll see why she cries at night.. no.. i dont think she knows yet.. why it is.. but i know.. its because she isnt truly happy.. not with only her friends.. she needs love.. but also.. not a fling.. she needs a soulmate.. someone like me.. that would devote there lives to her.. just as i did.. (and sadly.. am still doing) i just have to type these things.. i dont care if she dosent look at this.. i dont care if no one does.. im not typing this for others.. i just want to be fucking honest. I do believe i am pathetic.. i cried for almost 2 days after hearing "stop trying to hang on to the past.. its really annoying".. it is annoying.. i agree.. but i cant stop.. i fight for what i believe is right.. i dont give a shit who tries to step in front of me.. they will be knocked down like the ones before them.. like the ones that went behind my back and cussed her out.. i defend her while she does not defend me from her friends.. they are always in the background saying shit.. but fine.. they can hate me all the want.. they say they hate me cause i treated her bad.. but they pretend like they never saw her happy with me.. i know she was.. i read her comments to me.. hell you can scroll through the ones just her on zorpia.. i didnt make her write those.. she did them on her own.. cause she was happy.. and yea.. she is happy now.. but she wants to cut every night.. she is depressed when she is alone.. and when she had me.. she was never depressed for long.. all it took was a phone call and she was happy for months.. she stopped cutting with me.. stopped doing weed.. no matter what she thinks.. that shit is bad for her.. and i think anyone that TRULY loved her wouldnt want her to make mistakes like that.. its not about control.. its not about being "abusive" its about life.. about safety.. about love.. when you love someone.. you never want to see harm come to them.. no matter what it might make you look like in the eyes of others.. you want them to be happy.. to help them make better choices.. to help them seperate themselves from there friends.. you want them to be them.. but at the same time.. i wanted her to be happy.. and i tried hard to balance the 2.. i truly did.. i wanted her to be happy.. but to stay away from the things that can hurt her.. to protect her.. to show her that i did love her.. she used to say she appreciated all i did for her.. how i helped her out.. how i helped her stop cutting.. how i helped her not do weed.. she used to say "thats not me.. i never want to be that person.." but now.. its what she is becoming.. its so hard for me.. to sit silently and watch.. watch as she ruins things.. to watch as she pulls people in.. that do not care for her in the same way she cares for them.. it hurts me to know what the near future will be bringing for her.. i just hope she is ready to deal with it all.. i dont know how much longer i'll be around you know?.. i cant wait for this apifany forever.. i cant wait for her to say "oh yea.. i do love him" because as each day ticks by.. my heart dies a bit more.. i dont care how depressing this is to read.. no one has to read it.. i suppose deep down.. i am aiming this at her.. but my attempts are pointless.. i could say anything in these journals.. and none of it will spark the spark we had.. not because what im saying is stupid.. or pointless.. its that she dosent want that spark.. she is scared of it.. she thinks if she sees that she truly loves me.. and only me.. (yea.. fucked up throught huh?) that she will ruin what she has with people right now.. but.. whats worth more?.. i suppose they are.. and okay.. fine.. i am not one to admit defeat.. if she chooses them.. thats alright.. in the end though.. i think the loyalty of her current friends will vanish.. ben.. he likes her.. but he wont love her.. he is too loose.. he wants sex like all guys.. but he dosent want the fall out.. he does not pay enough attention to her.. dez has a way of saying more with things that are underneath.. sure she might just say "my mom threw something today" even in her voice.. i can tell there is more than just a thrown object.. there is fear of it happening again.. there is worry of what might happen in the future with her mom.. ben dosent see that.. but he's whats there for her.. he's whats in reach.. so sad she dosent even see me.. that im in reach.. that i'd take her back in a heart beat.. and love her with everything i have.. all her friends are like ben though.. some might be depressed as well.. and might "understand" but do they really help like i did?.. maybe so.. maybe im far off on this stuff.. but you know what.. im not in doubt.. this is my journal to myself.. this is my truth.. these are the deepest of my feelings.. and im having them come out as i truly think them. I just honestly dont think anyone is there for her like me.. who else would kill there dog to make her happy?.. (that is morbid.. i really gave that thought last night.. i was petting taffy.. i love her so much.. she has always been with me.. by my side.. always happy to see me.. never mean or anything.. but.. i gave it so much thought last night.. and i started to cry.. cause i could look into her brown eyes.. and i remembered when she was a puppy.. and for some reason.. it thought about what i said to dez.. that i would murder her.. cause i loved dez THAT much.. and sadly.. i still would..) Thats really fucked up of me.. im treated so badly.. im just.. neglected.. my 3 years of love was thrown out like it was never there.. it hurts me.. because what i loved so much about her.. is that she was like me.. she wouldnt give up.. but it seems like she has.. which.. i guess im still in this odd state of denial.. my mind just cant get it.. i cant see that she gave up.. i cant see it like that.. dez wasnt that way.. she would get mad.. she would get so pissed off she couldnt talk to me.. and hell.. i dont blame her one bit for that.. but she'd never give up.. she would never even want too.. she walwyas ended up happy at the end of the night.. both of us would.. why does it have to stop.. why does she want it too?.. were those 3 years really that different to us?.. i had bad times too.. but i always wanted more with her.. i always saw that good times were on the way.. and i was never disappointed in that.. it was true.. things would get bad.. get sad or depressing.. but they would ALWAYS fix themselves.. and i was always so god damn happy to say "thats my baby" she always made me so proud.. when she helped to protect keanna when her mom and barbie faught.. when she'd get a 10/10 in her quiz.. when she would study for her little history tests.. when she would read at night just cause she liked to read.. when she would stick up for adrianna even when she would forget her birthday and stuff.. i was always so proud of her.. she is such a great girl.. i learned so much from her.. i always wanted more though.. and even now.. i want more.. i cant help it.. i cant change myself.. i have tried SO damn hard to move on like she has.. i have went on a date.. i have done these things.. what everyone says to do.. but its not my choice.. i cant choose to not love her.. im trying to make myself stop.. but i cant.. even when she is not in love with me.. i am in love with her.. i cant let go of the past.. because i believe it holds my future too.. i mean.. i cant picture living alone in an apartment now.. i cant picture going to the monument circle and not having her beautiful eyes looking up at me.. i cant picture a life without her.. but.. thats the way it is right?.. she is done with me.. she has put up the barriers she needs to not think of me.. and i cant do it.. i can be mad at her.. but the love always overpowers it.. it always says "but.. she is dez.. she is what your heart beats for" then the anger goes away.. then now.. its replaced with sadness.. to know that she is off.. happy with someone else.. someone who i KNOW can never love her like i do.. no one would take all this.. and STILL love her.. i mean.. im willing to change everything about myself for her.. and it seems like im still ignored.. still hated.. still not loved.. why?.. i made a ton of mistakes in our relationship.. more than i'd like to admit too.. but i do admit to them now.. i cussed a lot.. called her names i shouldnt have.. i accused her of things she did not do.. and well.. i was a dick.. so i suppose i deserve some of this.. but i refuse to think i deserve all of it. i stuck by her no matter what.. it didnt matter what happened to either of us.. she could always count on me.. even now.. i feel she could.. i dont think she does count on me.. because i have been replaced with her friends.. when she has a problem now.. she goes to them.. ben can hold her.. vance can sympathize.. bobbie can rationalize.. but none can give her what i gave her.. im sorry.. but i just loved her more.. i flew out to her every chance i could.. i wanted to go to her prom.. to hold her on her birthday.. to kiss her at new years.. i wanted all that.. but she dosent.. how?.. im left saying "how" like a fucking repeating parrot.. like the bird we saw at her zoo.. i feel like im just that bird.. repeating "how" dazed in this bullshit that is happening.. is she truly happier?.. is the depressing she is in nothing to worry about?.. can she really find someone better than me?.. maybe so.. maybe she already did.. but im just.. im so tired of lying to myself.. it makes me so pathetic.. to say what im saying.. and i know that.. to be the one that says "i love you" and gets nothing in return.. it is sad.. it is pathetic.. it makes it so i have no spine at all.. but.. i cant lie.. i cant say i dont love her.. i cant say im not IN love with her.. i cant say i dont think of her every second.. i still want to call her right now.. but.. it is not right.. when i call.. she is instantly annoyed.. because i bring up our past.. something she dosent want to think about.. and something i CANT stop thinking about.. i see her talk to her friends online.. its funny how great she is doing.. how she can say "yea.. we didnt work out, we have been broken up for like a month, but i like ben now" just.. no worries.. she has not thought of me in days.. and its so obvious.. so sadly obvious.. yet.. here i am.. like a fucking retard.. thinking of only her.. not able to kiss another girl without thinking of how our lips felt together.. but i see her talking to ben.. about the wonderful kisses.. why didnt she ever say that about mine?.. she didnt even like to kiss.. but now she does?.. she said she kissed for me.. cause i liked it.. is she kissing for him now?.. i hate that.. i hate how she forgot about me..how im not even a gleam in her eyes.. it makes me so depressed.. so sad.. that i have no one to call now.. not that its just lonely.. im okay with that even.. i just miss her.. dez.. what used to be my baby.. i miss her.. constantly.. yet.. im not missed one bit.. i dont think she thinks of me more than once a day.. and even then.. i think all she thinks is "its sure great to not have chris telling me not to do this" but she never once questioned why i said what i said.. she never once thought of me doing what she did.. and how she'd feel if i did it ya know?.. she did love me.. at one time.. she truly was in love with me.. and i have no doubts in my mind.. she says we were practically broken up for the last 2 years.. and that the first year was the only good one.. but i dont think thats true.. i think she was in love with me even in the 3rd year.. even when things sucked, i think she loved me.. actually. im sure she did.. and i know.. if i were about to cut.. if i were about to do drugs.. she would have been mad.. she would have said bad things to get me not to do those things.. it was about love.. not yelling.. not anger.. i wasnt even mad.. just disappointed.. just wanting her to be what she is.. better.. she thinks she is not worth anything.. that no one cares about her.. but god dammit.. i do!.. i'd kill my fucking dog.. i love her so much.. but i would.. just for her.. i'd take a bullet for her.. i'd even sign my soul to satan for her.. (im not joking.) but where is mine?.. this is what i cant deal with yet.. i always had that same love returned to me in full.. she would have taken a bullet for me too.. i know she would have.. she even said she would at one time.. but today would she?.. would she?.. i honestly dont know.. i kinda think no.. but.. i dont know.. i dont know what she truly thinks.. cause her journals are like my previous journals.. i believe there fake.. showing how much better she is without me.. but at times.. i dont think thats true.. i think it might have been a front.. i'll admit.. my previous journals.. where i seem happy.. and like i dont care about things.. those were fake.. i dont like to admit to that.. but it is true.. and well.. im tired of that.. i want to be honest once.. i want to say "i love you" even if she dosent read this.. and i know i wont get an i love you back.. i realize that.. but.. i have to say it.. i have to get it out.. i cant keep this fake wall up.. i cant keep blocking the good times i had with her.. because im finding its even more painful to block her out.. than to just.. cry cause i dont have her.. it sucks.. to see the one you love happy with another.. it hurts to see how she misses him like she used to miss you.. but i cant lie anymore.. i do love her.. i do miss her.. and i would do anything for her.. i cant help but feel so low though.. so pathetic.. to love someone that dosent love you back.. its fucking aweful.. and.. lately.. i dont know if its me wanting this to be true.. or if its actually true.. dez will not show her true feelings to me.. i dont know if she does to anyone.. but.. i feel like she has to love me still.. i feel like for the 3 years we were together.. she couldnt have lied.. she HAD to mean what she said to me.. that she would always love me.. that she would hate anyone that tried to date me lol.. she is so cute like that.. but.. is it just my denial? i know she wont write the truth in her next journal.. she will just keep up with the nice ben journals.. and how her friends are awesome.. and what she did that night.. but.. i know she has to love me.. she just has too.. how coudl you just turn it off like that?.. she said so many things to me.. she said i was her soulmate.. her one and only true soulmate.. she said she loved me.. and could never love someone like she loved me.. sure.. things have changed since then.. but with words like that.. i didnt think any amount of change could really erase that love.. i mean.. it would make me so damn happy.. to see a true journal of hers.. to see what she truely thinks of me.. but i realize she too is trying to move on.. she needs to be fake.. she needs to block things out.. she needs to not think about how well our bodies fit together at night.. she needs to forget those things.. fine.. but.. dammit.. i feel like im owed more than this.. that after 3 years of true undying never ending loyalty.. like i just deserve a bit more.. but.. do i?.. will i get any truth? i just.. i'd love to hear her be honest.. even when she is alone with me on the phone.. she still wont say what she is truly thinking.. and i hate that.. its me dez.. its chris.. your ex-hubby.. you could tell me anything.. no matter what it was.. why cant you just be honest with me.. tell me what your truly thinking about me.. about us.. about what we had.. do you miss it? do you want it again? how far would you go to have it back? would you even do anything to have it back?.. even if i promised to have it like year one for us.. would you take it back?.. you say you just want to be single for now.. but i do know you.. you need love.. you need to hear "i love you baby" from someone.. you have too.. thats the true you.. just like anyone else.. you want love.. undying true love.. and i want to be the one to give that to you.. i just.. i want truth.. but i know your next joural.. it wil be like the one you just posted.. about how you miss ben.. about how you are sad.. but dont know why.. and fine.. if thats your way to cope.. then i welcome you to it.. i just.. i wish you would open your eyes a bit.. to what you had.. what you have.. right here.. in indy.. : (
Monday,Aug 28 2006, 07:50:20 PMWooT
I feel really good today.. im happy.. im actually smiling.. there is a tomarrow.. and its a great one.. i have been writing only bits of whats going on in these journals.. i have one that no one knows about, and thats where all my serious stuff goes, but for her, i just like to keep everyone up to date ya know? its a good place for me to write a bit, just nothing too personal hehe.. but anywho, im just really starting to move on.. my mind isnt working like it was last week.. im starting not to miss her :) honestly moving on, and i love it, i am starting to eat, im working out, im doing everything just right ya know? so im happy with things.. i like how my life is going.. its not as shitty as i once thought.. i just had to relize that what i lost.. may not have been what i thought it was anyway ya know?.. and with that viewpoint, i can move on and smile, have some good days for a chance :)
Monday,Aug 28 2006, 04:52:01 AMCall me Mr. Screw Up
Well, today i watched a massive storm.. was crazy bad.. i loved it.. hmm.. other than that.. not a whole lot is going on.. just the same old shit really.. nothing new to speak of at all..
God.. my life sucks..
Friday,Aug 25 2006, 05:10:19 AMi didnt know where to write this...
Well.. i had a chat with my mom.. turns out her and dad arent getting along so well.. well i already knew that.. but apperently.. (this has been hidden from me pretty well) dad is super jealous.. very like much like me.. mom said he will accuse her of doing things she didnt do.. and it really made me step back and look at things.. because i think im him... i honestly think thats me.. was i that bad?.. did i accuse so blindly and often?.. is that all i ever did?.. i guess i can understand things better now.. that i have looked back at things.. cause i do think that was me.. blindly jealous.. accusing.. all that i suppose.. now.. personally.. i never saw the controlling part.. but it must have been there.. i wish i could stop thinking of her.. but at the same time.. its about all that can make me smile through all this shit.. im really missing her voice though.. her touch.. her "huBBy".. i miss those a lot... i dont think she thinks of them, but thats okay i guess.. as long as she finds happiness with someone good.. someone that will truly take care of her.. let her do what she wants.. i made too many mistakes.. i had too many problems.. made too many accusations.. its amazing now that i look at things.. i guess im just like dad is.. i refuse to grow old like that.. no matter who i date next.. if anyone even.. i cant be like that.. i refuse to grow old in this little accusing jealous world.. i want to love.. i want to only love.. and be trusting.. truly trusting.. i had been hurt in the past.. by a girl named christa.. she cheated on me quite a bit.. and i carried it over to dez.. which was not fair.. (no.. dez was not like christa.. just like i pray i wasnt like pat) although.. i guess i was like pat a lot.. which.. well i dunno.. i tried not to be.. i really loved her.. i dont think pat ever did.. and i never played around.. not like pat.. i wouldnt have done that to her.. but.. i will admit, she deserved better than i gave her sometimes.. i just.. i'd give anything for a time machine.. to pay more attention to her when we were together.. to SHOW my love more.. i didnt show it as i should have.. i was so deeply in love.. but it just never got out into the open.. never got out of my heart and into hers.. which i regret.. i was such an asshole.. such a bad person.. i just wish i could go back and change it all.. hearing how my dad is.. i never saw it from that standpoint.. i never even saw it.. yet.. i WAS it.. i was the jealousy.. the abuser.. that was me.. and well.. im not having it anymore.. its not who i am.. its not what i am.. im not about that.. im not made for that..
I am chris.
I am not going to be another person that is jealous.
I am chris.
Not Chris The Jealous Freak.
Thursday,Aug 24 2006, 09:24:09 PMUndying Love Cant Be Stopped...
Rode the bike today.. damn that thing is quick.. lol.. been thinking non-stop about dez.. nothing new i guess.. been really wanting to talk to her.. but i just cant.. breaks my heart to call and have her hang up in 2 min.. she is always busy now.. but i guess this is the life she wanted for herself.. and i will not step in and stop it.. its not my place.. or even my wish.. she posted a journal about how i controlled her.. and i guess i did to a certain extent.. so.. now she can be happy.. without me.. guess thats all it took.. was to have me out of the picture.. breaks my heart though.. i had so many plans with her... so many things i wnated to do.. wanted to feel.. while having her next to me.. but we all have wishes like that i think.. all have those dreams.. that just cant work out.. i wish they could.. but.. thats life i think.. dez was my love.. honestly.. she still is my love.. but i think its time to let her fly away.. she got her wings together.. and knows what she wants now.. so i need to respect that.. and let her have what she wants from life.. and thats certainly not me..
I'll miss you baby.. every second.. I'll miss you.
