Journals
Friday,Sep 15 2006, 10:32:29 PMAnyone but me..
I think its time to admit it.. i cant win. I tried hard.. to stay in her life.. but she kept pushing me out of it.. replacing me.. with friends.. ben.. and now.. girl named jack.. she had a talk with me.. made me feel good.. she said she still did want to be with me.. but a day later.. i think that talk kinda.. lost its meaning.. when she met her.. we havent talked.. i guess i no longer expect too.. she pushed me out.. no longer wants anything to do with me.. and i have to respect that. i may hate it.. yea.. i love her still.. but in the end.. love seems to mean less than shit.
My mom told me.. even if you never get back together.. at least you learned a lot in the relationship.. i suppose i agree.. sadly.. i dont think i learned anything good from it.. well a few things.. i learned not to be quite as jealous.. but other than that.. seems all bad things i learned.. i learned not to trust someone when they say "i love you" cause you know what? it can be a total fucking lie as well. I learned not to trust ANYONE with my heart, i do not care who they are, or how well i think i know them. I learned that a soulmate, may not be one after all.. or possibly a soulmate for me.. but not for the other one involved?.. i do not know.. all i know is that life... well life.. its not pleasant anymore.. i learned that once.. back when i started 6th grade.. i learned that life was not fun anymore.. that this world.. was actually a very bad place.. then.. i kinda changed my mind.. around june 2003.. i actually thought life was nice.. the world was good, but i was being stupid.. i had a curtain pulled over the sunlight on that one.. this world is shit.. once that curtain left me.. once it let the bright sun in again.. i see this world.. its harsh.. cruel.. and seems everyone dosent mind punching you when your down. I have a few friends.. that have really been there for me.. i appreciate it.. but at the same time.. they just cant do what she did for me.. i wonder if anyone will be able too.. i doubt it.. truly.. but thats life.. this is what i live in now.. a cruel.. mean ass world.. i do say thanks.. to those who helped me.. no one reads this though.. which is why i like to write here.. its kinda personal.. the ones that do read this hardly speak english anyway lol, so what the hell.. dez dosent log in on this anymore, so im kinda safe in that reguard too.. not that she'd read all this anyway.. she has too much going on in her new busy life.. i suppose in one respect, i am happy for her.. and glad that she has what she wants now.. in another.. im worried for her.. guess i always was.. just seems like a lot of what she does.. didnt seem like the real her.. maybe i was wrong.. but i hope i wasnt.. she always seemed to be a bit umm.. different.. not in a bad way though.. quite the opposite.. she seemed like she wasnt one to enjoy the vegas lifestyle.. but.. again.. i may have just been fooling myself..
The time passes by so slowly now.. seems it wasnt like that.. not before.. but things have changed.. and i suppose i do understand.. i called her today.. but her phone was off.. now.. i am glad that it was.. i need to let go of things.. its a bit rediculous to hold on like i have.. i say to myself in the mirror now.. to kinda help me.. to say "she dosent want you anymore, she has moved on" and when i say it.. and like.. see myself saying it.. it becomes more real.. than when i just say it in my head.. and thats fine.. it seems to help some.. i have my weaker moments.. but they are hopefully fading a bit.. i think they are.. im starting to do more with my days and such.. studying more.. i hope to get the job at t.j. maxx, chris said im a shoe in.. so i hope thats true, i could use money.. and a job to keep me occupied.. other than that.. its all i wanted to get out on this journal.. till next time zorpies..
See you, Space Cowboy...
Thursday,Sep 7 2006, 02:06:54 AMCan't Make Her Love You...
So.. im horribly depressed.. i've lost all my friends.. and i have absolutly nothing to show for it.. i was sticking up for what i believed in my heart.. and i was shit on. Even the one i stuck up for.. only wants someone else.. only misses someone else.. funny.. how all the ones that dont give a shit.. get all your attention and love. the ONLY one that cares.. is the one you neglect and lie too... a sweet fucking world we live in.
