Journals
Friday,Aug 25 2006, 05:10:19 AMi didnt know where to write this...
Well.. i had a chat with my mom.. turns out her and dad arent getting along so well.. well i already knew that.. but apperently.. (this has been hidden from me pretty well) dad is super jealous.. very like much like me.. mom said he will accuse her of doing things she didnt do.. and it really made me step back and look at things.. because i think im him... i honestly think thats me.. was i that bad?.. did i accuse so blindly and often?.. is that all i ever did?.. i guess i can understand things better now.. that i have looked back at things.. cause i do think that was me.. blindly jealous.. accusing.. all that i suppose.. now.. personally.. i never saw the controlling part.. but it must have been there.. i wish i could stop thinking of her.. but at the same time.. its about all that can make me smile through all this shit.. im really missing her voice though.. her touch.. her "huBBy".. i miss those a lot... i dont think she thinks of them, but thats okay i guess.. as long as she finds happiness with someone good.. someone that will truly take care of her.. let her do what she wants.. i made too many mistakes.. i had too many problems.. made too many accusations.. its amazing now that i look at things.. i guess im just like dad is.. i refuse to grow old like that.. no matter who i date next.. if anyone even.. i cant be like that.. i refuse to grow old in this little accusing jealous world.. i want to love.. i want to only love.. and be trusting.. truly trusting.. i had been hurt in the past.. by a girl named christa.. she cheated on me quite a bit.. and i carried it over to dez.. which was not fair.. (no.. dez was not like christa.. just like i pray i wasnt like pat) although.. i guess i was like pat a lot.. which.. well i dunno.. i tried not to be.. i really loved her.. i dont think pat ever did.. and i never played around.. not like pat.. i wouldnt have done that to her.. but.. i will admit, she deserved better than i gave her sometimes.. i just.. i'd give anything for a time machine.. to pay more attention to her when we were together.. to SHOW my love more.. i didnt show it as i should have.. i was so deeply in love.. but it just never got out into the open.. never got out of my heart and into hers.. which i regret.. i was such an asshole.. such a bad person.. i just wish i could go back and change it all.. hearing how my dad is.. i never saw it from that standpoint.. i never even saw it.. yet.. i WAS it.. i was the jealousy.. the abuser.. that was me.. and well.. im not having it anymore.. its not who i am.. its not what i am.. im not about that.. im not made for that..
I am chris.
I am not going to be another person that is jealous.
I am chris.
Not Chris The Jealous Freak.
Thursday,Aug 24 2006, 09:24:09 PMUndying Love Cant Be Stopped...
Rode the bike today.. damn that thing is quick.. lol.. been thinking non-stop about dez.. nothing new i guess.. been really wanting to talk to her.. but i just cant.. breaks my heart to call and have her hang up in 2 min.. she is always busy now.. but i guess this is the life she wanted for herself.. and i will not step in and stop it.. its not my place.. or even my wish.. she posted a journal about how i controlled her.. and i guess i did to a certain extent.. so.. now she can be happy.. without me.. guess thats all it took.. was to have me out of the ...
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Thursday,Aug 24 2006, 01:40:22 AMFucked.
Thats it.. i cant do it anymore.. she says "i thought we were friends" while every single fucking chance she gets, she stabs me in the god damn back. Posting her little conversations with ben, talking about how sam flirts with her, and still wants her.. while the whole time saying "your my friend" bull. fucking. shit. if i was a friend, maybe you'd try to talk to me as much as you do ben.. maybe you'd actually be fucking nice to the one you said you "love". she hunts ben down on the net, all the time, and on the phone, everywhere, ben is her new life, ...
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Tuesday,Aug 22 2006, 03:42:51 AMEasy to Hate, Hard to Love..
Well.. its SO hard getting over dez, but im really trying now.. im actually seeing there is no future with her.. not while she flirts with sam, hangs with everyone but me.. includes me in nothing at all.. has me NO WHERE on her myspace, yet has everyone else there lol.. oh well, her and sam will make a cute couple.. or whoever gets her.. she was a good girl.. but things changed.. and my god.. she really really changed.. she let her friends shape her into something she isnt.. but thats her on choice, she had to let them do what they did to her.. she is ...
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Monday,Aug 21 2006, 04:07:54 AMAm i forgotten yet?.. i hope so.
Well, i have been uber slacking on the blogs, and i see all my other friends are posting them hehe.. so i guess i'll go on with it.. ok 3 days back, me and moralez had some time to kill so we went to the bowling alley.. it was FUN AS HELL, i couldnt believe it.. i always thought "bowling.. psshh.. who wants to do that?.." then i gave it a try, and its super fun lol.. then me and chris saw a movie (and jason! you should have freakin told me you were sitting right behind me!!!!) it was called Little Miss Sunshine.. it was absolutly perfect for me.. it was ...
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