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bungalow's Homepage http://www.zorpia.com/bungalow Tue, 05 Jan 2010 13:24 EST Tue, 05 Jan 2010 13:24 EST Zorpia.com The Christmas Gift http://www.zorpia.com/bungalow/journal/1951295 I thought I could use Chinese to do my writing as I used to, but, by the time I started typing the first line, I find that I can't anymore, perhaps, I've got used to comment in the way I use to now. It's always bad to recall the past, to recall the responsibility behind. Not only feel painful for yours, but mine also. What makes me keep being reminded? Perhaps, it's the sense of "crisis", the sense we got to have in our job, for it's essential, to keep us live. Having this sense in happy times, makes one can't enjoy the times whole-heartedly. It's a kind of worry behind, for the stupid girl worries bad might come when she's having her happiest time. Sometimes, when no one else is around, funny thoughts came. "What'd happen if I didn't reveal what's in me by then? Would the facts changed? Or the facts would come the same even I didn't say a word?" All such questions keep spinning in my mind, as I would like someone to tell me, no matter what I did, I would have what I'm having now. It seems the worry might become lighter if I got such an answer. I'm so happy to have my gift around me always, it's speical, it always be, and it's invaluable that I can keep all those worries in me for it. Please, let me keep what I have now, for I don't want to lose the gift again. But, if one day, the gift finds me intolerable, please don't hide, for it can do what it likes; and if it wishes to free, I will free it, as it's, again, invaluable to me, as it always does. Personal http://www.zorpia.com/bungalow/journal/1951295 Sat, 26 Dec 2009 10:53 EST Underestimated http://www.zorpia.com/bungalow/journal/1942563 It's true, that I underestimated its effect on me. I didn't know that I'll become like what I am now, nor I know I'd leave what I thought I would have for life. I didn't mean to leave, but, by the time I tried to face what's before me, it's the time I decided to leave. Once the choice has been made, no more chance of return. Though, I may be still fat in someone's eyes, I know, I'll never be that "fat" anymore, for what's inside me has changed, and I'm now drawing other's attention, with all my might to hold myself from doing something going too far. This is harsh, truly and totally. Please don't "kick" me from here to there, if your words are true, why bother get rid of me? I should always be there, shouldn't I? Afterall, this is something I expected, from the time I told someone about the truth. I'm alone, should be, for quite sometime, until I can free my mind. I hope, somebody, no matter left or right, will be somewhere out there, waiting for me to walk with me, towards something I always hope for. Personal http://www.zorpia.com/bungalow/journal/1942563 Tue, 17 Nov 2009 08:42 EST Deserved http://www.zorpia.com/bungalow/journal/1940647 Here comes the time, unexpectedly, out of my control, and without a say from me, for I'm informed. It hurts, because all out of control, it's nothing worse than being forced. On the happiest night in the confinement, from the highest dropping down to nothing, all of a sudden, I just want to hide myself away from anything, even from those I love all along nor even try to get myself enough sleep or food. I know what I should do for our good, I know exactly how I should treat myself, I know, I really do, but I chose to go to the postbox, and witnessed a breach of the peace; then, I went to a postbox somewhere further, alone on the dark street, still, the green head is still around me, for the dark street I walked, has his part there. Being too relying on the green head for months and weeks, starting from week 10 to week 42, a total of 32 weeks, 8 months time, under that confinement, I went through it, and I thought I could reach there with good memories, I end up with "reminders" all the time, nightmares everywhere. However, as it's out of control, it's God's will, I can't do anything to change, nor have any power to change, for the decision is made, the fact is out there. What I can do is to hold myself from being keep talking to a target which I should never reach, I deserved what I have now, as I crossed the line. It's expected, but I'm too simple to once believe that I can be an exception, facts proves I don't deserve one. It's obvious that I don't want to let go, and I seem to believe that by keep saying something like this and that might be able to gain back the attention, but I shouldn't be doing all these, for I'm no longer in the position. It's hurt because you said I'm still in the position, again, the fact proves, I'll never be in the position, for the green head is not mine, and will never be mine again, as far as responsibility is taken up. Hate to get "roger that, goodnight, out" as our last words, but I did receive such. It's always true that I can't accept this, and now, I'll try as hard as I can and with all my might, as if I'm going for my 3rd hell week in life. How long will it last? Gods know. You know exactly well, if there's a responsibility, even you don't want to let go, you're forced to. Why don't we let go for free now? No matter what my decision is for my part, I'm alone, but you aren't. Please bear in mind why I let go, please remember the big issue ahead of us, it's all because of a fright or worry, we apart. What the best for me, is to do your best to cease that worry and fright, then my departure, is meaningful, a lot more meaningful. Personal http://www.zorpia.com/bungalow/journal/1940647 Fri, 06 Nov 2009 12:45 EST ....... http://www.zorpia.com/bungalow/journal/1939547 When you encounter something beyond your control, how will you respond? Standing aside without taking any action, but just watching those good stuff slipping away, sometimes, it may be the best way to deal with it. You never know when will the time come, and it's just because we don't know, what we have to change is the way we think or perceive all these. Unfortunately, as stupid as I do, it still takes me a long way to reach that level. For the moment, I wish to be strong, but I am not. What is the "most important" in my mind? As simple as it may be, being a red bean is the most important of all. Perhaps, being a bean is not simple at all, sometimes, maybe living in a way as I used to have is simpler. Why funny stuff appears in my heart again? Most likely, it's because what I think simple is not simple in fact. There's nothing wholly belong to another, for this, there shouldn't be anything funny occur, as it's always the truth to accept.   Please don't give up, though I'm doing so, it soon comes to the end. Please go on with the battle, for whatever reason, there is no point to give up at the last stage. Personal http://www.zorpia.com/bungalow/journal/1939547 Sun, 01 Nov 2009 10:44 EST Red Bean http://www.zorpia.com/bungalow/journal/1936478 The last piece of red bean candy is on her desk, which has the special name card put on. The crazy girl has made up her mind to take the last piece of red bean candy, as she finds what she said this morning was not truly from her heart. She can't deny it's what she heard affects her, and that perhaps is why she hates to be a super sticker for the moment. Where the confidence and trust come from? It's probably because she lacks such in herself, she's becoming more and more funny that she starts to hate herself being so. Her beautiful world still exists, she believes, hopes it'll never disappoint her. She thinks she won't try to change anything in her world, for that's the best in her heart. Try to know more about her world, see if it really fits. If the attention is no longer in your eyes, nothing else can be done further but to take it. If it's really her world, it'll stay. There's no strong point to change anything, for it's born to be so. If her world is willing to change for her, that is to say, it's hers, and for no one else. If it's meant to be hers, it'll always be, for it's her world other than anyone else. Please be trustful and patient, to her own belief and judgement, for she can't change anything, and nothing should be feared of, if what's in her life is arranged. Personal http://www.zorpia.com/bungalow/journal/1936478 Sun, 18 Oct 2009 02:43 EST Attention http://www.zorpia.com/bungalow/journal/1934491 Drawing attention, something "unrelated" to me, seems to be, but that's what I'm doing, always, and I never realise that, not until today. I talked, to draw attention; I kept silence, again, to draw attention. That's something about myself, something deep inside me, everywhere, which can't be got rid of. If it reduces, thanks God, for that should be my victory. I thought I've gone through it, but, no, not yet, still got a long way to go. Life keeps repeating, with different persons involved, different scene but the same situation. Just to handle it with a little difference, it will never be repeating, for sure. There's no way to get anything away from you, unless it's never be yours. If it's there, it's meant to be there. Try not to get it slipped away, for that's what I can do, as nobody can guarantee that it won't be leaving. If one day, attention is no longer in your eyes, then, it's a message reminding me, Life is repeating again. Personal http://www.zorpia.com/bungalow/journal/1934491 Mon, 12 Oct 2009 06:49 EST A Drowning Well http://www.zorpia.com/bungalow/journal/1923552 Time flies, when she finds she no longer writes anything in Chinese. "When you say nothing at all", on the top of her list, recently, this "relaxing Sunday", her last Sunday in her room, is crazily replacing "Can't take my eyes off you". Is there anything to prevent her from getting drowned? Confidence, which she's of full power to be an insulator, has gone. There she goes something she just can't accept. Crazy contradicting thoughts have been fighting fiercely: she wants to step one pace forward, but if she does, she'll be drowned to death; she just can't step back that even herself doesn't know why. Please be composed, be ready for all the coming challenges. There should be no way for her to spare any more space for her crazy thoughts. Please, remember what's on the top of the list, bonus stuff is of no way more important than that. That's what she hopes in anyway. 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