Tuesday,Nov 17 2009, 12:42:46 PMUnderestimated

It's true,
that I underestimated its effect on me.
I didn't know that I'll become like what I am now,
nor I know I'd leave what I thought I would have for life.
I didn't mean to leave,
but, by the time I tried to face what's before me,
it's the time I decided to leave.
Once the choice has been made,
no more chance of return.
Though, I may be still fat in someone's eyes,
I know, I'll never be that "fat" anymore,
for what's inside me has changed,
and I'm now drawing other's attention,
with all my might to hold myself from doing something going too far.
This is harsh, truly and totally.

Please don't "kick" me from here to there,
if your words are true,
why bother get rid of me?
I should always be there, shouldn't I?

Afterall,
this is something I expected,
from the time I told someone about the truth.
I'm alone,
should be,
for quite sometime,
until I can free my mind.
I hope, somebody,
no matter left or right,
will be somewhere out there,
waiting for me to walk with me,
towards something I always hope for.

Friday,Nov 6 2009, 04:45:40 PMDeserved

Here comes the time, unexpectedly, out of my control,

and without a say from me, for I'm informed.

It hurts, because all out of control,

it's nothing worse than being forced.

On the happiest night in the confinement,

from the highest dropping down to nothing,

all of a sudden,

I just want to hide myself away from anything,

even from those I love all along nor even try to get myself enough sleep or food.

I know what I should do for our good,

I know exactly how I should treat myself,

I know, I really do,

but I chose to go to the postbox,

and witnessed a breach of the peace;

then, I went to a postbox somewhere further,

alone on the dark street,

still, the green head is still around me,

for the dark street I walked,

has his part there.

Being too relying on the green head for months and weeks,

starting from week 10 to week 42,

a total of 32 weeks,

8 months time, under that confinement,

I went through it, and I thought I could reach there with good memories,

I end up with "reminders" all the time,

nightmares everywhere.

However, as it's out of control,

it's God's will,

I can't do anything to change,

nor have any power to change,

for the decision is made,

the fact is out there.

What I can do is to hold myself from being keep talking to a target which I should never reach,

I deserved what I have now,

as I crossed the line.

It's expected,

but I'm too simple to once believe that I can be an exception,

facts proves I don't deserve one.

It's obvious that I don't want to let go,

and I seem to believe that by keep saying something like this and that might be able to gain back the attention,

but I shouldn't be doing all these,

for I'm no longer in the position.

It's hurt because you said I'm still in the position,

again,

the fact proves,

I'll never be in the position,

for the green head is not mine,

and will never be mine again,

as far as responsibility is taken up.

Hate to get "roger that, goodnight, out" as our last words,

but I did receive such.

It's always true that I can't accept this,

and now,

I'll try as hard as I can and with all my might, as if I'm going for my 3rd hell week in life.

How long will it last?

Gods know.

You know exactly well,

if there's a responsibility,

even you don't want to let go,

you're forced to.

Why don't we let go for free now?

No matter what my decision is for my part,

I'm alone,

but you aren't.

Please bear in mind why I let go,

please remember the big issue ahead of us,

it's all because of a fright or worry,

we apart.

What the best for me,

is to do your best to cease that worry and fright,

then my departure,

is meaningful,

a lot more meaningful.

Sunday,Nov 1 2009, 02:44:59 PM.......

When you encounter something beyond your control,

how will you respond?

Standing aside without taking any action, but just watching those good stuff slipping away,

sometimes, it may be the best way to deal with it.

You never know when will the time come,

and it's just because we don't know,

what we have to change is the way we think or perceive all these.

Unfortunately, as stupid as I do,

it still takes me a long way to reach that level.

For the moment, I wish to be strong,

but I am not.

What is the "most important" in my mind?

As simple as it may be,

being a red bean is the most important of all.

Perhaps, being a bean is not simple at all,

sometimes, maybe living in a way as I used to have is simpler.

Why funny stuff appears in my heart again?

Most likely, it's because what I think simple is not simple in fact.

There's nothing wholly belong to another,

for this, there shouldn't be anything funny occur,

as it's always the truth to accept.

 

Please don't give up, though I'm doing so,

it soon comes to the end.

Please go on with the battle,

for whatever reason,

there is no point to give up at the last stage.