I feel so hopeless...

I was looking at all of the misoplace.Normally things that i prepare in the kitchen are cooking oil,sesame oil,salt,sugar,ajinomoto,water,oyster sauce, hua tiao,soyasauce,slice ginder and garlic.

In F & B line , what we concern the most is the quality and speed.We don't expect most of our customer to wait too long.We normally use about 3-4 minutes to complete one dish.Not like what we do in home using half hour for one recepi. The chefing item are complete in a kitchen and we don't need to worry all the time.What we need to do is taste and cook.

Now...I'm in Merina's house ..In her kitchen..stunning.

Merina was standing behind me : ' Are u sure u know how to cook?I have all the ingredients , The vege and meat are inside the refrigerator and i hope u can get use to it..If u prefer western style , I do have some tobasco sauce and mint sauce behind the cabinet. '

Normally i have all the equipment in the kitchen.But what i have right now is a normal pan fry , cooking pot , clay pot , slow cooker  and a soup boiler.Knife....hmm...not the same as what i used coz it's a normal cutting knife.Chopping board..a plastic one..not a wooden one.

I know this is not a good excuse to blame on the equipment . If we really have the experience.Nothing can actually stand in front of us.Just that i ...need some time to suit myself. 

Merina , A girl same age as me.Still haven't working until today after graduated from spm.Well..she's lucky coz her family is rich and she own a apartment under her name.I don't like her coz she's quite LCLY sometimes...always scold me brainless and i dun feel like a man in front of her.No doubt that she's pretty and clever ..but her social lifes really scares me..coz she bring different guy back home every week.

Eventhough i have 2 years cooking experience ..but if compare to Merina.She start to cook since she was 9.

I was quite nervous but finally i got an idea what i should cook.The first dish is a sweet sour fish.Second is a normal fried egg with onions.Third one is fried rice with vege .The last one is ster seow pak choy with oyster sauce.( Normal will place vege as the last one coz it will get dry and taste bad if we cook it first. ) 

Well..sounds simple..but without all the equipment .I feel like i did  performed good...Eventhough i used 45 minutes for all.

I place all the 4 dishes on the dining table.Merina had a glass of water and start for the food tasting.

She tasted the Sweet sour fish first.

Sweet and sour fish.I never miss performing this dish before.I think Merina gonna say i'm brilliant this time.

But Merina was showing a sad face : ' How much vinegar did u put for the sweet and sour sauce? '

I answered : ' 1/4 water , 1/4 tomato sauce , 1/4 chili sauce and 1/4 vinegar to mix the sweet and sour sauce...'

Merina shouted : ' You crazy? Didn't you see the brand of the chili and tomato sauce i'm using?Do u know it's not the same as what u used?It's been mix with vinegar and it's not pure already!Now u really wasted all the fish i bought last night!...it taste sour and weird!'

I was silent.

Merina tasted the fried egg with onion and shout again : ' Why didn't you fried the onion first before u mix with the egg?Now the onion still taste rare and it doesn't have strong onion smell ..and i was stunned u didn't even put some soya sauce for the egg!Now the egg taste like nothing..'

I was silent again.

She looks pissed off and she continue to grap the seow pak choy but she stops : ' eh?why got worm inside one?

I was suprised coz i realised there is a little tiny worm at the root of the vege! I appoligized to Merina : ' Sorry...i should have wash the vege with salt before i cook...wrong again....'

' Nevermind...others still can eat..I try the fried rice first.' Merina grap a spoon and taste it.

This time she really fing her head : ' Come on...how cum the fried rice so oilly ? And some of it still cold? I know the rice is yesterday one but u must at least cook it much longer!

My head was down.

' And please let the egg assorb all the oil before u put in the rice...so that the rice won't be so oilly! God...'

Merina grap a red wine and went into her room.I look at all the dishes on the table....... full with dissappointment.

‘ U dun even know how’s my character ..Y u say I'm so important to u? I might be ur dream gal but I might not b d one u wan…’

I received this sms from a girl that I admired and I was quite dissapointed when I read this message.

Well , i admit I really don't know about her character at all. Eventhough it's been half year but it seems like I don't even know her real name. It sounds so silly ….how could I fall for someone who is totally a stranger to me? Some of u may think I like this girl maybe because of her beauty, her bodyshape..and might think I'm a jerk who is without a mature thinking who likes the outshape of someone..

Do we really need a reason to love a person? Does every love really require an answer?

I don't know what is happening to me..it’s been 40 days & 40 nights since the last time I saw her. Everyday..I keep checking with my phone waiting for her sms ….looking at the pc screen to see her online in msn ….checking her photo album in website and saving every picture she had and download into my phone.

I had never had this kind of strong feeling towards a girl before. Ever since the day Pui Yee left me 2 years ago..I thought I will never find a girl which I deserve to love again.That's why I've been single for so long and never think about love…

Until she appear……..she really changed my whole life. I started to give her flowers on valentine’s …And that is something that I never did before for the past of my life! I have never thought I would have courage to give away flowers to a girl before.

I know she loves to play gunbound .Before that I always think gunbound is the suckiest game on earth and it will be the last game I play on earth…but in the end I joined..well…it was not bad afterall..=_=”

I remember last time when I admired a girl .I will always put her in my heart .No one knows ….no one suspect and no one got idea who is the girl because I always kept it so secretly.

Today.. My whole family knows she's the one coz I put her picture as my wallpaper everyday. I printed out her picture and paste it everywhere of my room..

My sister almost crazy everytime I'm asking her opinion about her pic and she was so scare I'm gonna slap her if she give bad comment.

People everytime borrow my phone sure ask me who's the girl in my phone . And I always the same answer : My dream gal. All of them were shocked.

Every friend of mine knows that I'm crazy for her every moment every time. They always avoid the topic coz they know I'm gonna talk non stop if mention about her…especially when I’m drunk.
Even when I know a new girlfriend and  they asked me either I'm still available.. I will tell them that I'm still available but my hearts belong to someone else…

I know that this is gonna be a joke when she have a bf one day and everything I did will be silly coz it doesn't mean anything at all.

But one thing I'm sure with myself that I'm really crazy about this girl and I just can't hide my feelings and wanted everyone to know about it…eventhough I dunno what I did is right or wrong…

Maybe she's right and maybe she's not the suitable girl for me but I can't control myself anymore…( Deep breath )

The sad part is ……..

She lost confidence with guys and she don't trust guys anymore…And there is nothing I can do to win her heart…..

I hate those guys who plays her heart! …….. How could they do something to a women who is so serious with love and left her painful memories which haunted her for the rest of her life?

I don't know what I should do.. Guess I'm in the wrong place at the wrong time doing the wrong thing…and I just want to let Cammy know how much I loved her….if she only knew…..if she only knew …..

I was sitting in front of Victor.He slowly light up he's cigarette and had he's head down.

I looked at him : ' Are you alright? ....u looked so terrible today.'

He silent.

' Well.....normally when a man looks depressed like you. It's only becoz of two things : Money or women.'

He remains silent.

' Must be women ......'

He started to say something : ' I know this girl half year ago..we know eachother through msn..'

' At the first i didn't like her character because she always hang out to place like pub and disco..smoking...eventhough she had a lot of admire but i never think she was the suitable person for me.'

' Then? ' i asked.

' Until one day...things work out in between of us. We start to date each other.We fall in love like normal couples. I believe she's the one i always wanted in my life , and i know i never find another women like her again...'

' I can see that..... ' I took a cigarette and light up.

' After 3 months ..things changed...she didn't call me ! didn't sms me! avoiding no matter how hard i tried to look for her. Until one day i look for her at the place she work. She told me that i'm too good for her...she doesn't want me to get hurt and she wans to let go..she think she's not the suitable person for me.'

I can clearly see Victor's tears dropping down ..

' She said i don't understand her at all and don't know the real personality of her !...I was mad! ....totally pissed off when she said like that...'

He's hand was shaking while holding the ciggarette.

'..........Until one day i found a secret of her ...a secret which i hope i never knew ...' He took a deep breath : ' And i finally understand why she said those words to me.......'

I was currious : ' ....? '

Victor said : ' She work .........work as....a prostitude half year before i know her.. '

This is the first time in my life i see Victor cried in front of me.

I've been facing worst situation before but never been worst like what Victor had facing now.

Maybe she's right...or maybe she really concern bout the relationship with Victor.Maybe the things that happened in her past was a mistake that she never could forgive herself.Maybe She choose to leave because she doesn't want Victor to get hurt.

Victor is hurt right now..I can truthly understand he's feeling as a man..

Will he ever love her if he never knew about her past?

Will he continue to love her after he knows everything?No matter what..this matter will always be a torn if they get back together one day.

I put my hand on Victor's shoulder .....If i were him.I will choose not to know.