Thursday,Sep 3 2009, 09:34:05 AMHeartaches and Reflections

I've been consistently talking about life aspects, perspectives, character all the time. As much as what I've said to strive to be a better me. As much as what I've cried and ranted. Still, I've disappointed the loved ones around me. It seems that there isn't any drastic change in me. Still, I'm the same complicated old person whom no one truly understands and I've long given up trying to satisfy every single person around me. No matter what I've done, it's always either me leaving the other party feeling unhappy about me or vice versa. I tried so hard to behave myself. I've listened to so many advices. Yet, nothing really worked. I've been labelled as someone who is not real by people whom I thought are my friends. And this isn't the only comment I've heard.

 I made many wrong decisions this year, however at the same time, learnt a huge lesson as well. It's really hard to trust anyone anymore. Whatever things that were only meant for a pair of ears reached a few more and it goes on. Contents of the message is then edited bit by bit.The end results are expected. Can I blame anyone? No. Who can I blame? Me. Whereas the edited contents continued to be a hot topic to be gossiped about, to be judged about. I ended up having two roles, the victim and the criminal.

I don't wanna explain my point of view to anyone anymore, since it's proven to be ultimately useless. I know I sound like I'm defending myself right now in this journal. I'm only pouring out my thoughts, that's all. What can I do? Not talking at all is not a solution. It's definitely not like I've never tried. Still, nothing has changed. I am still being judged, no matter how much I've done for them, I'll never be portrayed positively. I'm very near to shutting myself out from this world. Yes, it's not a solution. I just have no idea what to do anymore.

I went out with my father the previous night, something which I haven't done for ages. It was short, but long enough for me to take a good look at him. My father lost weight, his usual comfortable tummy has disappeared and more wrinkles has appeared at the side of his eyes. His fingertips are black due to work when he has to move heavy stuffs to and fro from place to place every single working day. My mother is currently unwell and has just undergone a minor surgery. Due to this, she had to cancel her trip to Nepal during the last minute, which I know she wanted to go badly.I realised I've been neglecting my family too much. I'm guilty.

I've finally woken up sometime ago, and is focusing on my studies at the moment. Yes, it's a little late, but I'm trying.I'm more motivated to do my work now as compared to the lazy slacker mode I've had all the time. My mother is worried about my health as I've been staying up every single night to do my schoolwork. She bought me tonic and asked me to take care of myself even though she is unwell herself. I tried to act cool as usual but my heart was aching inside.

Right now, I'll just focus on what I should do, I know people will continue to judge me for as long as they live. Maybe I'll get judged again if anyone sees this journal. I don't care anymore. Judge me all you want. I know what I need, I know what I want. I know who I love.

Feli~Jellyfish

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Tuesday,May 26 2009, 06:42:49 PMAm I?

Right now, I'm not feeling upset, angry, depressed or anything negative.

In fact, I'm in a pretty peaceful mood. It's a long holiday, I'm enjoying my part time job at Topshop, working on some of my school stuffs, relaxing in front of the computer every night watching Youtube videos with no burdens.

Somehow, I just keep getting the feeling that there is something in me that I have to get it out as soon as possible. ...

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Saturday,Apr 4 2009, 05:39:50 PMThoughts

The thought of tackling your own stuffs and problems alone scares me.

Though I know there is still support

Being independent ...

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