Journals
Friday,Oct 8 2004, 07:13:00 AMA long... lost friend.... [IMAGE] 2 days...
A long... lost friend....
2 days ago, i played and explore around with Friendster, and saw this secondary school mate's profile. So i naturally explored her pictures, and in it... a girl that i've loved for 7 years, is in one of those pics....
Memories of her suddenly flashed across my mind. I suddenly... felt so emotional... I couldnt find her for so long... but now can only see her picture there...
I lost trace of her... since she graduated from secondary school, as i'm going to sec 5. Only heard that she went to polytechnic but don't know which. Her friend once made a bet with my friend and commented that, if i'm able to make her my girlfriend, She would give my friend the whole stack of sweets she is holding, and it really hurt my confidence... does my confidence really worth that bar of sweets? It really hurt my already low morale and my feelings.
Then when i finally made it to Ngee Ann polytechnic after i retook my O-level, life was like so different for me, everyday is like so fun, and no worries at all... it almost made me forgot about my yearning to see her. Then... until one day... my friend called me by handphone, then asked me to skip my lectures to come down to the library immediately. He didnt state much, but said that i'll not regret doing so.
As a result, i rushed to the school library at that instant. When i reached there, my friend told me to turn around... There i saw a very familiar face, a face that i've not seen for a very long time, a face that always flashed across my mind every night every since it left.
A sense of sour & mixed feelings came through me... i don't know what i should do... i just can't think at that instant... my mind is totally blocked... as i just keep looking at her. She was there doing her final project i guess, with her group mates... she seems happy and all that.
But i guess she doesnt recognize me at all, as my looks have kinda changed. I just sat there.. secretly peeping at her.... when she is not looking. Until she left.. Sigh.. I just couldn't do it... guess its just me ba..
Anyways, after exam, for that semester, i guessed she graduated. But i didn't think much then. Until now, when i once again saw her pictures... but this time through Friendster, do i have this feeling of.... regrets....
Regrets for having not have the guts to even walk up to her... to want to know her, seeing her mixing around with those bad companies in secondary school, smoking and all that, made me really angry, and at the same time it felt really painful in my heart that she is doing this to her health, though i know i don't have any rights to get angry... regrets for not studying hard in the past years and now she is graduated and i've lost trace of her for the second time....
Now, it seems that i have this gush of energy that i've never had before... to actually want to wake myself up into reality, and drive myself to work really hard, so that i can get do well in my studies which is a upmost important basic that i need inorder to find a good stable job in the future. In order to have the ability to give my mother... and family a good life. I just wish that i can do that before she is married... Peiyi... please give me a sign... where are you.... i'm going to try my best to search for you... no matter where are you...
It doesn't matter if you're willing to accept me or not, but the most important thing is that, i want you to know i'm willing to take care of u even as a friend, and willing to change your life for the better, even as a friend. Be there for you even when i've got no time for my own...
But 1 thing i've learnt, it is that, i will never gonna hide my feelings anymore for the person i truely love. No matter what other says about you and whatever the result is, i have to show you that i still care about you so much.... I'm not willing to see you leave me again, therefore when i find you, i'm willingly going to walk... run...and jump with you through the rest of your life. May it be good or bad... I'm always your friend.
- Desmond with regrets 3:57pm