Monday,Sep 7 2009, 04:06:44 AMDon’t know what I can’t describe

In my last post I forgot to mention how I realized that work is a lot like school.  This doesn’t seem like much of an analogy, but when I was in school I wanted to spend my time daydreaming, writing, anything else that I wanted to do.  I never could get into the mindset of just doing what I was supposed to be doing, just because someone said I should.  Granted, I’ve grown up now and I understand to be thankful for my employment and keep myself enjoying where I am.  But wanting to shut out the situation and delve in my little dream world of writing and books and stories and my journal (now my blog;  hence the Twittering from my phone during the day), that’s still something I consider.  So, it occurred to me, on Friday, that it was just how I felt in school.  I didn’t want to learn math, I didn’t want to talk to people there, I just wanted to be in my own little dream world.  I’m glad I have come out of that shell in many ways, but still, the world of what’s important to me is the best place.  At least there’s stuff going on there rather than just the sounds of a Xerox machine going and an occasional phone ringing in the distance.  Yeah, it’s that quiet in there.  Thank God for iTunes.

Sitting here with my coffee on Wednesday, listening to church on television.  This always helps me get motivated for the morning.  The whole message is about not complaining about your situation because you’re lucky to have what you have.  I understand.  I want to complain about worrying about how boring work could be if I don’t have anymore work to do today.  Sitting there for 8 and 1/2 hours without anything to do is torture.  Yes, there are podcasts, but trying to keep a positive attitude that I have work is the only way to get through it.  It’s funny;  I went through so much stress as a teacher, now I have no stress at all.  No stress must make me nuts;  that’s no kind of way to be.

I really am wondering if working is just not for me.  I mean, to be out of the house so much.  I just like being at home.  I can busy myself with so many things around.  I understand the need for money but, yeah, I’d rather do what I want to do.  That was always the case with me.  Too bad I gave up on being a full time writer.  I could stay home for that and have a job I liked.  Anyway, no complaining.  I’ll think up stories while I’m at work today.

It’s Sunday but I have tomorrow off as well.  It took me all of Saturday to get rested.  I was in no mental state for blog writing.  There was no interest in anything; shopping, video games, television, library classes, blogging…none of it.  Now the morning is quite quiet and I’m finishing up my coconut coffee;  have to go back to Target and get more of this stuff. 

I’m disappointed in my weight loss project.  Since I started working I’ve not exercised as much as usual.  After I talk to my mister in the evenings, it’s already after 7PM.  A lot of times there have been neighborhood muscle men in the gym, hogging up the whole place with their routines.  If I wait a little longer, I can get in there to do what I want, but it’s a creepy feeling to be alone in an apartment lobby after dark.  So since I’ve not been as active as I was when I wasn’t working and had the day to get myself exercised and eat very little meals all day, I’ve not lost an ounce.  I’ve followed my Weight Watchers plan as usual but still, I’ve not budged.  Very annoying and extremely disappointing.  At least the work is only temporary so if there’s any positives about being unemployed, it’s that I can get control of my weight easier. 

Work picked up this week too though, which I was grateful for.  On Friday I was running the show for a bit, then had to help someone with something all day.  As long as I have things to do, keep myself busy and the day goes by at a quick pace, I’m fine.  But without having some kind of work to be done, I feel like I’ll go mad with boredom.  I thought about, the other day, how it was all in my attitude;  I was stressed to the max as a teacher and now I have no stress.  I need to be grateful for that and just get on with it.  It’s just when forced to sit and do nothing comes along, when I can’t read or write or sleep or play online, that’s when I go crazy.  It’s a panicky feeling I get when I walk into work, knowing I’ll be bored all day.  Again, it was the same feeling I had as a high school girl.  Hated just having to sit there, not doing the things I wanted to do.  That’s why I always wanted to go to the library so I’d have privacy to read and write and be left alone.  I don’t mind being out of the house and having a schedule.  I just want to spend my days doing what I want to do with my life.  Sure, that sounds immature maybe, but I’ve just not found the job that I love.  I really like the job I have now, I honestly do.  But on the days when there’s nothing to do, I want to run from the building screaming.  I even fantasize about driving away, just because I can. 

I have an update on my lovely new, used Blackberry Curve as well.  So I bought new housing for it, again, so now it’s a nice, pearly pink.  However, the keyboard that came with it had the keys in the wrong place, so like V and W were switched, A and Q as well.  Plus, the backing to the silly thing wasn’t even functional.  Nothing to connect to the battery to make it connect to the phone’s motherboard.  What a dodgy thing!  So I complained to the seller, and, luckily, had parts to replace the bad parts with.  Now it seems to be fine, so hopefully I won’t be fighting with it anymore.  I want an iPhone though.  I’ve started dreaming about one and all its apps.  While I’m working, I need to get one, that’s all there is to it.

I also have to start laptop shopping.  I’ll need one by December.

But with all of that said, I’ve finally ordered my iPhone 3GS so I’m happy.  I got it straight from the Apple store.  Nothing dodgy from Ebay.  It will take a few days to get here and then I’m ready to play.  I’m so excited.  I’ll have to sell old, new Curve though.  Meh, at least with all the extra housing I have for it, it should get some of what I paid for it. 

Is it right to love gadgets this much?

Now it’s late on Saturday night and it’s time to post this entry.  I’ve not gone to the gym, though I though I would tonight.  A nap ended up being more desirable.  Oh well, there’s always the whole rest of the week to go down there for 40 minutes and gain a few extra food points for the week.  Weight Watchers really is a handy plan.  Oh and, duh.  I did lose a pound this week.  Hooray!

The money’s been taken out for my iPhone, so it will be here this week.  The housing that was all messed up from my Curve was offered to be returned for a refund.  I’ll take the seller up on that.  Then I can sell the actual phone out, after I get my iPhone.  I’ve had nothing but problems with that Curve (not the actual functioning of it;  just my tinkering with it never worked out) so I’ll be glad to take some money for it and send it elsewhere.

I’m glad to have another day to hang about the place and relax.  Tomorrow I’ll go to Wal-Mart with Mom, then come home, go to the gym, then check my library classes for what assignments I need to do.  I had planned on trying to get my teacher classes done, but I’m going to drop those too.  The library classes are just way too much, now that I see the syllabi and the weekly assignments.  Plus, there’s no sense in taking them now when I know I’m not going to live in Florida for more than a year;  no point in getting a teaching certificate for a place you won’t be staying in, right?  So that will be some money back in my account.  I’ll only have an income for a few more weeks anyway.

 

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=117

Sunday,Aug 30 2009, 12:41:50 AMTalk like an open book

 

There’s something to having a blog that doesn’t have your name directly linked.  It’s not that I talk about anything I wouldn’t talk to with someone I saw directly, I just like having the freedom.  There’s a nice, easy feel to knowing I have a blog that’s just for me, just to write down what I think and feel, without someone coming into work saying, “Hey, I read your post last night.”  Not that it really matters, but still.  Privacy is always the better option.  Plus, I need to write all the time so not having a blog where I write openly is not an option.  Hence, I keep my veiled existence over here for just me and my mister to know the truth about. 

It’s weird how I can make myself do what I need to do in the morning.  I guess I have been getting into bed at a good time.  It’s better than dreading the day and wishing I could be home to take a nap.  I guess my attitude is always the main thing to keep in check.  If I think it’s awful, it will be.  If I don’t, it won’t. 

Tuesday means not Monday.  I keep getting ready earlier than I need to be, which is good.  Less rushing around, trying to get on the road by 7:00PM.  So I have a little over a month of work, so that’s some money coming.  Then I got word that my Student Loans will deposit some extra cash in my account.  I’ve decided to take this as a sign to pay off these piddley credit cards.  Now, the consolidation loan, I just can’t pay.  I’d have to save and save and then pay off in, oh, who knows.  But I can make a plan and a budget and get on the right track.  One of the girls at work suggest I read Dave Ramsey’s book, so I ordered that.  I started listening to him on the radio on the way home as well.  At least I know that there’s hope, I’m not the only one with this problem and there are people in worse shape than I am. 

And now it’s Saturday, which brings me to the end of my blog updating.  I didn’t write much during the week, unfortunately.  I’m still playing with this used Blackberry Curve 8310.  I changed out the housing because the back button, to the right of the trackball, was chipped.  Plus the screen was dusty inside.  It just needed a bit of an overhaul.  I’m not 100% pleased with my housing and handy work right now, as the trackball doesn’t like to go left as easily as it should.  I’ve also discovered that the screws are old, presumably, and the head of them got stripped out when I tried to get them out.  Now I’ve ordered new screws, pink housing and a silicone case to match.  Here’s hoping I get it sorted and am happy with it in the end.  At least it works well and I have plenty of things I can do with it.  I mean, the Yahoo mail and Facebook applications are enough to make me content.  It was mainly the ease of texting.  The Pearl 8100 I have was just driving me crazy.  At least now I have a full keyboard, can see my pictures with the larger screen and make videos (whenever I get a chance to try that option out, I can post that too.)

Aside from that, work has been okay.  It was hard for me on Friday to get through the day because it was the end of my first full week back.  I had sleepy eyes from the start, especially since I had stayed up a bit later playing with this silly phone.  If I get to sleep too early, I’m tired the next day.  If I sleep too little, I get that hazy, dream-like feeling.  Only with seven hours sleep can I function well.  It’s easier to fight off the halogen lights overhead, the lack of windows, the lack of noise in the place, and the constant staring at a bunch of numbers on a computer screen.  I started listening to podcasts on my iPod instead, just so I can have something feeding and entertaining my brains while I sit there.  I try to not count down the hours that I’ve worked or still have to work.  The clock never moves fast enough if I do.  I try to just keep my mind of the work and what I’m listening to and let time take care of itself.  Some days it’s hard though.

So that’s about all that I have for the physical, daily side of my life.  I’m still on my diet, still trying to get rid of the weight I gained over the past year or so.  I was eating my salad tonight and thinking about the correlation between happiness and weight.  You’re miserable and loathe yourself when you’re too big.  Then when you lose weight and get smaller and smaller, it’s like another misery.  Never being small enough and having to keep working until you’re satisfied.  Now, when you’re content and happy, a nice, medium, healthy size is what we, or at least I, end up being.  So it’s not too big, but it’s not as small as I could be.  And when I’m okay with that and am working at it little by little, still keeping strong in the ways of eating right, then I’ve won any battle that has to do with food.  I understand how hard it is, when there are things that taste so good and you just can’t have it anymore.  Before, I ate Burger King and pizza and didn’t care.  Now I can’t do that anymore and I’m smaller.  My clothes fit better.  I’m happier to dress up when I go to work because I have a better, all around appearance. 

I still think I should write my book on lessons I’ve learned for myself.  Granted, the blog serves as this outlet for discussing such things, but a book would work if it had that distinct focus.  Hhmm…

Anyway, I’m trying to think of what else to talk about in here.  I’ve not gone to the gym as much because of work.  That concerns me a bit because it also means I’m not reading as much either.  (At least I have the podcasts though.)  I won’t spend this weekend doing much.  I’m still trying to download applications for the phone and finding something good on TV (there’s never anything good on, I have to admit).  I’ve been in the mood for Fall now that it’s around the corner.  I keep thinking about the times when the air was cool and crisp, and I was out getting pies from Honey Baked Ham.  I like those memories, but I like that I’ll have new ones in the future.  I was thinking that in the bath tonight too, about how, miraculously, when we get older and wiser we stop caring about such stupid things.  The past doesn’t matter as much, our insecurities, or worries, none of them are really as big of a deal when we get more mature.  I’m glad of that.

 

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=115

Sunday,Aug 23 2009, 03:51:03 AMEverybody just want to play the lead

I’m going to start this blog post now and post it whenever I get ready to do so.  Maybe tonight, maybe Friday, maybe not until the weekend.  I’ve had a bit of a rejuvenation in my post interests, which is usually how it goes.  Post a few, stay a way for a while, post once, wait…  But I’ve been having the feeling of being in high school, or even elementary school again.  Like when the time at school always seemed fun just because I had other things of interest that I could think about while I sat at a desk around my friends. 

I got my call back to work last Friday and I started back yesterday (Wednesday.)  It was a complete surprise since the whole space program is going topsy-tervy very soon.  People are getting laid off and our company is going from one thing into two, uncertain companies next year.  So just being able to hang out for a little over a month is nice.  Get some money, hang out and be around everyone again.  Have some motivation from day to day.  Yeah, it’s like going to school.  Like the first week of school when it’s familiar but new all at the same time and you feel excited for that second chance at something you’re use to.

It’s Friday now and I’ve had a good first few days back to work.  I couldn’t start on Monday this week so I only have three days in so far.  But the rest of the weeks, I’ll have all of my 40 hours in, but no overtime.  Since, again, the company is going into a new phase next year, I’m not sure what will happen now that the first set of people will be leaving around the same time I will. 

Now on Saturday, I will post this entry.  It’s nothing much, but it’s better than letting the blog sit here for months at a time without any action.  I got the Blackberry Curve in the mail from Ebay, so I have to set it up with the Twitter mobile options and such.  (No, I don’t have the Blackberry account set up;  just the basics.)  Once I get it figured all out, I can use it to Twitter some more from work or something.  And everyone loves Twitter.  Ha ha.  I looked into getting my Tumblr account updated with everything else.  I found it was way too hard to keep messing with all the mirror sites and cross posting.  Just the basic ones are going to have to be okay for me.  The whole purpose is to keep things less cluttered, more manageable.

Anyway, i think if I do write something each morning, I can do all right with keeping things updated.  Granted, there’s not much to say about work.  I sit at my desk, sort papers, enter things in databases.  Nothing really is going on since the Space Program is dwindling down.  Well, I mean it’s starting up in a new direction, but it’s not with our company, so once the shuttle goes, a lot of people will go.  People are already going, my Dad included, so it’s already beginning;  that whole change over into a new, uncertain chapter in Space Exploration.

The only other mention I have is with friends again.  One of my friends from high school is someone I still talk to once in a while in email and texts.  And I just can’t let that go any further.  I can’t go visit, I can’t really participate in keeping a lot of communication up.  It’s just the same things with her and I cut off ties with that a long time ago when I realized how it was hindering me rather than anything.  This is the same with my recent break off of friendships.  I had to just let that go even though I knew it would probably upset her.  But when it came right down to it, I had nothing to connect with her on anymore.  She wanted me to do things for her constantly despite what I had going on in my own life.  And I’m not the type to confront anyone if they’ve hurt me, so I just let the whole thing go.  I’ve thought about it a lot lately, but once I got back to work, I realized I was only thinking about it because I was just out of productivity mode.  Once I started using my time wisely, the revelation came that I’m doing the best thing for me and I shouldn’t feel guilty.  None of my separation from any former friends is to be cruel, it’s just that I’m a different person and the connection of common ground isn’t there anymore.  I don’t want to be yelled at, cursed at, used as a doormat or an outlet for negative babble.  I’m a happy person and I want to be surrounded by happy people.  What I had before was far from happy and I have no intention of going back.  I have clear goals in mind.  No one in my past was supportive or caring to begin with, I was just the one who didn’t put up a fuss.  Now I just don’t want to say anything to them anymore.  Past things don’t have much impact on me anymore.

Well, aside from the dream I had about my Grandma last night.  I called her on the phone, I was going to visit her in Ohio.  I remember in the dream, I was trying to make it be her voice I heard on the line, but it’s funny how voices get removed from our memory.  We have to hear them again to remember.  I think my Great Uncle had the last video of her before she died, and I remember seeing it long ago.  Who knows where that stuff is.  It could still be in that house;  the house that my Great Grandparents raised their family in.  I miss Ohio a bit for things like that.  I won’t mind when my parents move back after Dad leaves work and I can get out of Florida in my own direction. 

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=112

Saturday,Mar 28 2009, 06:58:56 PMCompletely untitled blog entry

I don't even feel like writing in this blog, but I will.
I started writing this post a long time ago and never got around to publishing it. I've written a few things in Word at work but never got around to publishing anything either. So...here's me going into a blog entry. I've not updated the version of Wordpress I have, nor have I updated any links, pictures, plugins, etc. As shocking as this may sound; I have other things to do! (Finally!)
So here I am, normal, typical Saturday afternoon. 82 degrees outside, warm, humid air blowing into the living room via the patio. The cat is happy. He sits just so his body is inside with the air conditioner, but his head pokes outside to get some fresh air. He's a smart cat; too bad he's just full of misbehavior. But anyway...
I'm doing my same old routine as I use to when I first started getting heavy into my blog. Sitting here without anything else to do but get into my head and pile it out on paper. I also had to look for a job. I'm doing both again today. The job I have now has, as all jobs do, their goos points and bad points. First of all, I'm only on temporary contract via the temp agency, so I'm supposed to be ending my position at the end of next month. But there's still talk by my coworkers as to why they (the managerial directors who are only referred to by name and never seen) wouldn't just "keep me" until the whole space shuttle thing is over. (Even though now Congress has said, yes, we can extend the space shuttle for a while, there's no word if the White House will keep its trend of saying "no" to that or not.) While the job is good, just having the job is excellent, and I really like the girls I work with, I am okay with moving into something else if I have to. There's so much time allotted to monkey work that I feel tortured by sitting in my desk, ready to fall asleep. I work in a very quiet, very big building with few windows and lots of smart, quietly efficient engineers. They aren't full of chitter-chatter; they're full of keeping to themselves and doing work. If they do talk, it's about work. All of this is good. However, when I'm being trained and I know a slim amount of what the job entails, I am not able to do all the things the other girls do with the engineers. All the acronyms and space talk gets put over my head really quick. But I am catching on somewhat, and I'm encouraged to keep the job in that respect. But, if it's not meant to be that I stay there, then I won't fret about it too much.
Which brings me to my entry pic up there. I've begun graduate classes online for a Master's of Library and Information Science degree. It occurredto me last year that being a librarian would be up my alley, so I went ahead of applied to a school that does distance learning. Now, being that we're in recession, I haven't been able to get any school loans, so I'm lucky to have a job where I can pay for one class at a time on payments. Still, this is going to be a crawling effect if I can't do this at a quicker pace by next (Summer) term, so hopefully something will come about that I'll have money and loans. But again, however that will work out is not up to me.
Anyway, a lot of what I wrote at work that was in the best interest of the blog, was about librarian school. I'm super excited about it and have looked at jobs already that may hire me on before I have the degree; just to have me in there doing what I want to be doing. So, as I knew beforehand, my life will change dramatically again one day soon. I'll be working in a different field and I'll be able to go somewhere other than Florida to make my way in this world. That is enough to get up every morning and sit in a little cubicle for; just knowing that while I wait, things are opening up in my future.
And on that note, I could get into a lot of personal stuff about how happy I am and how thankful I am that I changed myself and how my life has changed for the better. But I realized somewhere during the past year that talking about things, just to talk about them to just anyone (whether it be friend or blog) is only creating disturbance in mylife. Granted, when I wasn't working I had zero outside interests for a long while. From like Summer of 2007 until 2008. But then things changed in me. I don't want to go out and waste my time. I don't want to complain and bitch and moan about anything that's caused a concern in my life (like about work or school or whatever) because it doesn't do anything but cause someone to have a window of opportunity to judge. Now I'm pulling myself further and further away from idle talk about any problems or random comments on things that spurn negativism. It's not about trying to be bitchy or being cruel or uncaring to anyone I consider friends. I just don't have that element in my life where I live in mental chaos and want everyone to know about it. (Thank God.)
People can change, and I'm living proof. Something just got inside of me and pulled out all of that past crap way of living. Now I don't need to call someone and complain all the time. I don't need to sit here and whine about anything to my invisible blog readership. It's just not how I want to operate anymore. It's a hard thing to get someone to understand, maybe, especially if they've known me as I had always been before. Depressed, angry, scared...all the things I thought I was supposed to be to be a writer, to be intelligent, to have purpose in this life. But I'm not anymore and if that means I'll have a nice, happy contented life, then so be it. I'm not searching for anything to make me complete anymore. I have what I need and the rest of my life is just going to go in the direction that my happiness takes me.
So with that said, I'm back to making my lunch (I'm trying to diet again but I'm having a hard time wanting to be obsessed with how much food I eat every day.) I've not had the time to go to the gym as much anymore either (when you don't work and have nothing else to do, it's way easier to be obsessed with yourself, your diet and your exercise routine.) So next week I'm going to start going to the gym for a bit at lunch with one of the girls at work. It will be good for me to do, even if for a while, just to break up the day, see some sunlight and get some exercise.
This means I'm going to have to head down to the gym in my building today or tomorrow, just to have some productive time to myself. I guess the blog entry counts as productivity too, huh?
http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=100

Wednesday,Nov 12 2008, 03:59:04 PMI know it's all a rut, you want me to prove it t..

This morning I was flipping through channels and I saw a Q&A topic up on the screen from the (stupid) Mike and Juliet show. It was for a guest (whose name is still unavailable online or in the show's information) finance adviser. These people amaze me. I mean, aside from the obvious "you don't understand my situation" aspect of "you have a job, and a nice paying job that requires you to be on television and I have none", they don't really have any good advice.
The question today was, "I am $10,000 in debt with credit cards and I've lost my job, what do I do?" Well, that was me. That was me for over a year. The financial adviser said, "Call the creditors and tell them your situation. They'll understand. They want you to be able to pay them off. They don't want you to go into debt. They'll give you a temporary grace period to help you through this."
{snicker} Yeah, right!
When I lost my job, even before I stopped getting paychecks, I called every creditor I had and told them I was unemployed. They all told me, "You still have to pay." At least Discover offered that insurance bit for if you lose your job, and I tried to enroll in that but they said it was extra money added to my monthly bill and, yeah, I still had to pay because I had to have the insurance for so long of a time before it could go into effect. On top of that they said I'd have to get a written note from my employer about being fired, like an adult version of "please excuse my daughter from gym class" note. Ridiculous.
Even the Juliet chick on the show said, "But then why are they so mean to us (the creditors) when we call them." The "financial adviser" said, "Because you didn't tell them you were unemployed." {snort} I still have creditors calling me saying, "this is a desperate situation and you need to redeem this immediately!" to which I reply with, "I have told your company numerous times for the past year that I am unemployed. I have no money. When I have money, I will pay you." This, apparently, does not matter. I even have "official" sounding calls like, "we're from a law office" (I looked up their number by the way on Google, and they're a creditor, same as the others, and it's no law office.)
I've commented before on the stupidity of some of these financial advisers. The one that killed me was some dark haired girl on a news show, telling this guy who was a full time public school teacher to "get a second job." As if this girl had any idea how much of your life is sucked out through just teaching. The poor guy was single, had bought a house and just wanted to know if he should use his retirement to pay off his credit card debt. No, he shouldn't, which I could have told him, because he'll need that and the credit crunch is temporary. But to just say, "get a second job" like it was nothing was ridiculous in itself because, Hello there aren't jobs to be had out there!
Where do they find these people anyway?
The moral of my entry today is to do what you think is right and don't listen to anyone's advice (this goes for finances as well as anything in your life.) No one knows more about your life and your circumstances that you. I hadn't worked for over a year, and I had 10 or more calls a day about my credit cards and they aren't even that large in comparison to what other people have to deal with. Even when I investigated debt consolidation, is said that paying what I could would still keep my debt as "bad" and not clear anything up. I've had no new credit cards, no new purchases, nothing except paying for food, gas, bills, rent, insurance, etc. I cannot imagine what families for four are doing with a mortgage and expenses for kids to go along with that. Sheesh.
So I wonder now that the whole world knows none of us can pay for anything anymore. Not the credit cards we used to buy furniture and moving expenses, not our school loans, not our car loans, nothing. I wonder if we're going to all get some bail out option. That is, dear creditors, when we have the ability to take up these options and pay. There is no sense in being adamant about offering us write off payments when, Hello, we have no money!
I don't know what that lady was thinking this morning when she said, "Oh just tell them you lost your job and they'll help you through it. If that's true, I want that lady to call my credit card companies and my loan companies and tell them that this is what they should do." Maybe that will stop them from calling me all day and hanging up or "insisting" that I "call immediately" because my "situation is very important." If it's that important, then why didn't they offer me to work as a debt collector at their office to pay it off. Sheesh.

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=98