MOOD : confused, then sick, then
enlightened..
Dream 2
so after dreaming that terrible dream and feeling ive been fucked~ ahuh!
i put on some trance music from di.fm and went to have my thoughts looked
at by my conscience. it worked. i dreamt again.. i hope that i could find
what was so afraid of?
i was in my old primary school. but the
place looks new.. i think i was a teacher, as ive got a bunch of kids
teaching them stuffs...
and then i was in the principal's office.
the vice principal and the vice principal was talking to me.. a
bunch of gibberish.... couldnt understand. i was sitting down looking at
them with disgust.. what the hell are they talking abt? and then suddenly
it was clear.. they said that i should be trained to be the next
principal.. to be the next leader of the heard.. and they said that if i
dun comply bad things gonna happen..
and of course.. me and authority figures,
its like ice cream and milo. it will melt through. they dun mix. i didnt
say anything.. but i felt like i was put in to a position that i could say
no.. wadeva they said i had to follow.. with this in mind. they wanted me
to be the next principal.. the next leader of some sort... they actually
said this i quote " u must succeed after us damn It"
i was confused at them.. but my heart
suddenly told me that i was different. i knew at that moment that i could
not age like normal man. funny, ridiculous what can u say... it was a
dream..
so for the next part of the dream.. it was
like me taking care of the children.. as they grew older and older.. it
was like flash backs oni forward in time.. the next moment i was at the
class room teaching them some stuff.. then they grew bigger the next
moment.. then the next moment was where i thought them how to ride a
motorcycle.. they grew but i didnt. i was more then a teacher.. i was a
mentor.. an immortal.. i have always wanted to be an immortal ... to live
through the years without aging... without dying.
after i woke up... i then knew.. what the
fuck was it abt.. my greatest fear was growing old. all my life, people
were rushing me to grow older.. to be older then ur required age is much
worse then u think.. when i was a kid, i wasnt a kid, i was moulded into a
teenager.. i couldnt remember my childhood for goodness sake., for that
reason.. i dun think it was that special aniwae... only up to sec 3 my
first love with a tkgsian, then i started to remember shit that happens in
my life.
my child hood was one depressing piece of
shit.. so shitty i cant even remember.. how sad exactly =(
my fear was growing old.. goblins, ghosts,
dieying, all nothing compares to growing old. its a funny fear. damn im 21
still, lost in the wilderness. dunno what to do.. dunno where to go.
as i was having my o levels a few years
back.,.. i knew what i was going to do .. at that time.. i dun think i can
remember what i wanted to be at that time.. but i tink its still similar
to what i want to be now.. in the army. protecting human rights..
protecting the weak and helpless.
as for me... i dun like to do jobs that
doesnt bring benefit to my self or others... it such a drag to work just
to live and be merryy. id rather do some peacemaking shits, help people
just to live... im 21 and yet im still not into ns after poly..
how can i actually fight my demon? the only
way is within myself, and this takes my whole life.. cos i will grow old..
as years pass by.. no matter what i do.. im still aging... its a damn
scary thing
i think my conscience is telling me to take
note of this think that may be bothering me. only that i didnt know or i
didnt take notice. maybe i was feeling this because the god damn ns people
havent call me up yet for shits.
feeling lost.. not wanted.. so gusto abt
going.. in the end, when they dun call u up.. i feel rejected.. but
nevermind.. as u know me.. i dun give up on shits. so cherrio people
