((( JOKEistan )))

gud ideas! that tickled me. gimme more. ^_^ lol

Something to further tickle your senses HM:
A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, She gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.
She said, “Let’s start with the boys first .” Boys start giving their intro…
First boy: “My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.”
Teacher was confused to listen but said, “Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is Essentially a child in each of us. So it’s ok John. Yes next.”
Second boy: “Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub .”
Teacher now got surprised and said, “Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next.”
Third boy: “I’m Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.”
Teacher: “Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next.”
This continues, and the last boy stands up “I’m Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.”
Exhausted, the teacher said, “I don’t think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please.”
First girl: “I’m Julie and my hobby is to see birds.”
Teacher: “Good. At last I got something different. Ok next.”
Second girl: “I’m Ruby and I like to collect perfumes.”
Teacher “Now it’s like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl ,Yes yo u…” the Most beautiful girl of the class :”Mam, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take a looooong bath in the bathtub.”

Did you say ..more? I have an overused, but cute one:
A man and his wife were having some problems at home, and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
The fact is: Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

hahahahahahhahaahahahahhahahahahaha funny specially this part - "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. "

Thank you. But you please don't point your finger towards me.

lol your funny :)

L.A. Math test
City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam
Name:____________________
Gang:________________________
1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?
2. If Jose has two ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?
4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing her since she spent his money?
7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up six girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?

State of Arkansas Residency Application
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob
(last) (_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)
Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______
Father's Name: _______(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade
completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: ______ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable
Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know

Have still not stopped laughing ......................!! Arkansas seems like a very interesting place. I'm dying to see this all actually happening there .... hahaa!

YOUR KINDA JOKE ...BUDDY! (slightly out of context nowadays ...but quite predictable for the Indian cricket team ...any moment ...lol) :

Tinku was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Tinku was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Tinku aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No," said Tinku, "he plays cricket for India but I was just too embarrassed to say."

LOL wouldnt bet on that now what with the average age coming down to 23 :)

Yup! And being in school ..Tinku looks like an under-23! lol! God bless the grown ups!!

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

A couple walked into a tourist shop in Jamaica. The Jamaican said to them, I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. “Dey makes you wild at sex.”

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the sex God he was.

The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a sex freak?” The Jamaican replied, “Just try dem on, Mon.” So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn’t seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican’s hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, “You got dem on the de wrong feet man! You got dem on de wrong feet!”

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, ” Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, “Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.” St. Peter says, ” Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?” The girl is a little reluctant but replies, “Well, once I fondled and stroked one.” St. Peter says, ” Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, “Reeva, What seems to be the rush?” The girl replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.”

Nice one buddy! ...and you didn't let go any profession!! ...What do you do ...btw? LOL!

I'm refering to your No01 above!

am engineer :P

So...you mean to proclaim you are not connected to either of the above? I'm with you. I'm also an engineer. ; )

:) lol

Awww! That's quite an intellectually enriching set of questions. Hope those kids would feel much at ease answering them ...LO!

Fresh & crispy joke of the day:
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Police officer.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying for years."

3 and 6 actually made me smirk.
So little on zorpia makes my face react.

Awww! You win some... you lose some. Even otherwise ...it's all valid in love, war, and jokes. LOL!

how cute! you must've missed me lol

I did I did! Where did you go for so long?
I missed making fun of you :p

i spent 15 months in the philippines
u hoped i missed making fun WITH me, but hey, whatever, you missed me *blushes*

Yes, I missed you like my right buttock would miss my left one if for some inexplicable reason my left one went missing.

haha thats gud! :)

I'll say thanks once you are through with all in order to avoid duplicate efforts ...ha..haa!!

yeah i think ill try the laxative one *cough* ooops....hahahaha :P

ewwwwwwwwww =P

hahaha stop stalkin me mike!!! lol

Dont be silly...lmao...u like it hahaha =P

shhhhh!
lmao =P

oh yea...keep it on a down low =P shhhh

haha yeah mayun! hush hush daz me ;) bahaha

That's a risky proposition. I warned all in the beginning itself ....so I shouldn't be blamed for any mishap ...LO!

Haha!!

Eh....wouldn't they r totally broing but i didn't laugh...but nice try ^.^
sheers!

PEACE 2 u

Muslimah

Thanks for encouraging words ! ...you cannot expect the same reaction from everybody ! That would rather become boring ...! *SMILES*

Peace to you too!

yup....

Muslimah

How abt this?
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an 'F' in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3' and I
said '6'", replies Johnny. "But that's right!" "Yeah, but then she
asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the f***ing difference?"
asks the father. "That's what I said!"

cn u take this1
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to
use in this situation. The correct word you want to
use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!!!"
lol ;)

noww thats cool....lol nice one...lol

is this ur real photo? it scares. lol...change it..plz.
ok...one for u2
An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off".
Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like sh**."

yess...lol my real pic, but there are more of in my profile.;)
THNKX FOR THE JOKES..LOL
CAN I ADD YOU?

thnx... lol!! I dare not visit your page :( ...remove the pix first.

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they’re intelligent.

“I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Queen. “Allow me to demonstrate.”

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, “Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?”

Tony Blair responds, “It’s me, ma’am.”

“Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the Queen. She hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Bush?”

Bush nods: “Yes ma’am. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he’d better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, “Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.”

“Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?”

Bush poses the question: “Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get back to you?”

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

“Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Powell answers immediately, “It’s me, of course.”

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, “I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s Colin Powell!”

And Bush replies in disgust, “Wrong, you dumb shi*, it’s Tony Blair!”

Number 6 was a great advice.

2 gud 2 try ...lol..?

if u wanna try ...go on ...lol...nd tell the world he..hee!

I'm sorry, I don't really get your sense of humor or the way you type. Have a nice day, dude.

i don talk sense ..leave apart humor. sorry for offendin ...lol. friends? im a dudette ..not a dude ... he..hee!

oh my bad, sorry. I thought you were a boy :-/ I should check profiles before commenting :-D lol

Haha :D Hilarious =]

mwah

awww...Mary,
wotsup with ur new pic today?

its cute

yea,yeah..its cute.
im gona change my pics too
;(

why??????????

coz u ask me to change back to my real pic when i use this~
;p

i did not ask u.. lol ur sexier than me :S

nah....
ur prettier than me
;p

my tongue is just long lol

One winter morning in Michigan, a couple was listening to the radio while eating breakfast. Then, they heard the announcer say, 'We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so that the snowplows can get through.'

Norman's wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they were again eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, 'We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so that the snowplows can get through.'

Norman's wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer said, 'We are expecting 12 to14 inches of snow today.
You must park ..'
Then the electric power went off. Norman's wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face, she said, 'Honey, I don't know what to do.
On which side of the street do I need to park so that the snowplows can get through?'
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit,

Norman said. 'Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time'.

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Police officer.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying for years."

A few men and women died and went to heaven. God comes and says,

'I want the men to form two queues; one line for the men who dominated their women, and the other one for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk.'

Next time, God comes back, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women is 100 miles long. In the line of men who dominated their women, there is only one man.

God gets mad and says, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!'

' Tell them, my son, how did you dominate your wife and to be the only one in this line?'

The man replies, 'I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.'

I heard wise men saying:

I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.
Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect..... .
so why practice?
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.
The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.
"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep
There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning
"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk
"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say....

And a few advices to the fools who try to sweat it all off:
**********
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
**********
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
**********
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
**********
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
**********
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
**********
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
**********
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
**********
I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
**********
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
**********

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day
while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he
Prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 to 10
hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please allow
her body to switch with mine for a day."
Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a
woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the
kids, set out their school clothes, fed them
breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school,
came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to
the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a
deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put
away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the
checkbook.
He cleaned the dog's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the
beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop
the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an
argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and
cookies and got the kids organized to do their
homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV
while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing
vegetables for salad & curry and snapped fresh beans
for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the
dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put
them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily
chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was
expected to make love, which h