In a restaurant, a man ordered soup but, as soon as it arrived, he had to go to the bathroom. To make sure that nobody touched his soup while he is away, he wrote on a napkin: "I SPIT IN THE SOUP".
When he returned, he found another message on napkin: "ME, TOO".

SOON YOU CAN WATCH PORN WHILE YOU PUMP GAS, SO YOU WON'T FEEL LIKE THE ONLY ONES GETTING SCREWED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the
patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'





The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks
and looked through to see what was going on.




Some b*****d poked me in the eye with a stick.







Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

A policeman comes to the office with one black shoe and one white shoe. His boss starts to yell at him:
- You are ruining police reputation, go home and change the shoes.
The policeman goes home, and comes back after a while.
- Boss I have a problem, the other pair of shoes at home are black and white, too

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, is standing in the pouring rain.

'Please can you help me, I need a push'
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3 o'clock in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him? ' she asks.
'No, I did not. It is 3 o'clock in the morning, and it is pouring rain out there!'
'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Don't you remember,about three months ago when our car broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
The drunk replies, 'Over here -- on the swing!'