heartful's Homepage

" BARING DAMAGE "

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 15:00 EST

WHAT I FEEL INSIDE

YOU CAN NOT KNOW MY PAIN

THE FEELING HURTS SO BAD

IT'S PUMPING THROUGH MY VEINS

IT HAS BECOME PART OF MY BLOOD

TO THE POINT OF NO RETURN

I'M BARING THE FLOOD

FEELING PRETTY BURNED

LIKE A DISEASE

IT DAMAGED MY HEART

IT DAMAGED ME

I'M TORN ALL APART

I CAN NOT HARDLY BREATH

I CAN NOT TAKE A BREATH

I'M DOWN ON MY KNEE'S

BEGGING FOR DEATH ~

WRITTEN BY

~♥HEARTFUL♥~

FELICIA YOUNG

" The beauty of time "

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 15:26 EST

The Beauty of life in which we do not always see

The green grass

The changing of leaves

Winter snow that sparkles so bright

The warm fire

That keeps the frost off at night

In the spring

We hear the birds sing

A breath of fresh air

With the whirl winds we share

Seasons changing while time passes us by

Cherish every moment

Don't let the beauty escape your eye

written by

Heartful ~♥

Felicia Young

" AWAKEN "

Sun, 23 Aug 2009 22:47 EST

When I lay down at night

I see many visions in my head

It's hard to sleep

I toss and turn in my bed

When I wake for the day

I am not at rest

Every minute I am alive

Feels like my last breath

Heartful ♥

' United Peace "

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 22:26 EST

How can we stand united together as one

When in this big world

We can not all get along

So much hate , racism, and quarrels to

What is the reasoning

I wish I knew

To inflict harm

Causing so much pain

In this I ask

What is it to gain

Human is all mankind

Brothers and sisters

It is agreed

Why can't we just live

In peace and harmony ~

~♥~Heartful~♥~

' LOST IN MY PLACE "

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 08:39 EST

As I see the sun rise

Tears stream down my face

I am alone ~

In such a busy place

It is one moment I can be at peace

Lost without a trace

In this big world

This is my space

Living two seperate lives

Or should I say three

Yet I feel so much misery ~

Is this the end

Is this how it is suppose to be

Or am I awaiting something

That will soon set me free

Heartful

The pain from a childs eyes

Tue, 26 May 2009 14:18 EST

Each tear symbolizes my pain

As I've cried through the year's over many strains

The hurt I carry is burried inside

The battles, the abuse, the scars of pride

Through the eyes of a child whom was never aloud to speak

Could only take abuse on many different levels including being beat

Was never aloud out of his circle of pain

No one to reach out to, to help him be restrained

Co-dependent as my mother was

She never showed any love

For she to endured her own pain

From the same abuser who was diagnosed - insane

He seemed to enjoy stripping our life of any pleasure

It was terrifying to even sit together

Everyday a beating was given

So at 13 years old I no longer wanted to live

With a razor up to my wrist

My tears streaming down

" Oh God Look What I Did "

It hurts

It hurts so bad I no longer wanted to live

Take it away

Please God my hearts going to give

All this pain

Whats the good I can not see

To much blood and misery

Why am I here to endure this pain

I am a child, he is insane

It hurts so much to stay here any longer

Please get me out , make me stronger

That's when I learned to run away

Living on the streets is where I stayed

Now I am an adult with two beautiful kids

And never once have they had to live the way I did

To my father ~

I had to forgive

But within my heart

The pain still lives

No I'm sorry's for all the pain

Just a grumpy old man who still is the same .....

True Story

Written by Heartful

Inspirational message

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 09:33 EST

" Gods voice offers that of what you truly seek ;

contentedness, peace, love,

and the constant reminder of who you really are . "

" Being the presence of love is easier then you might think ,

One need not ever discern, but only love. "

From The Voice For Love

thought for the day ~

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 15:27 EST

Crying for the world today ...

So much pain and sorrow ..

So cold and empty ...

"Gods love is given to you,

unending, unchanged, and unconditional,

and only a thought keeps you from it . "

written

The voice for love foundation

~ THE ORIGINAL SERENITY PRAYER ~

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 09:37 EST

God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

Learning to live life

Sat, 10 Jan 2009 00:11 EST

How can you love if you do not love yourself ?

I am learning to love me again and who I am

It's funny ~ when you marry and have children

You become someones wife or mother

But it does not end there

You are also a maid, cook, laundry attendent , a nurse,

Lawyer, referee, taxi service, a bank, counselor , and more

It's never ending ....

And as the children get bigger so does the expenses and problems

Then you must work outside of the home as well

Leaving no time for mom

We are suppose to be unlimited, right ?

Please do not misunderstand me

I love my kids with all my heart and I would never change a thing

My kids are now grown infact

So now it's almost 21 years later

Now I can find me again

Find who I am or who I once was

And finally ~ I like me again

I have time for me now

I can walk , go shopping, spend an hour in the mirror again if I want , or take a long bath in the middle of the day instead of late at night trying to rush with a shower so I can be in bed early to start my day all over again ...

I literally lived my life for my husband and kids

They always come first and I am always last

Everything was always just expected of me

Meanwhile I was disrespected on many occasions

I have gone without on so many things and on so many levels

I've been condemned

I had low self esteem

I shut the world out

The abuse finally stopped 2 years ago

My health had went down hill from severe depression

I became withdrawn

I had given up

I didn't care if I lived or died

I became afraid to leave my home

I was not allowed to go to a doctor several times

And when I finally did , I was condemmed for days

Today is a new day

Today is a new me

I am feeling better like my shackle and chains have come off

I am walking at least 3.1 miles a day

I am looking good

I AM DOING WHAT I WANT for the first time in my life

I love to write poems and would love to write a book

But ... I have to work through some things because my mind goes blank all the time from all the stress I have .

What I have shared, is not much at all considering

Because what I have had - Is a lifetime !

So here I am ... Trying to write it out in a public journal

To people who mainly live in the middle east

It is good though because I am finding that they are very good people

And in my opinion are more loyal and honest then anyone I know

Never thought I would ever do this but here I am

I hear it's good therapy from a friend

God Bless All ~

~ CHOICES ~

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 13:56 EST

So many millions of people in the world ...

More then half are religious !

We all know the end is coming, yes ?

We all know that good and evil exists and what will happen

Yet evil is winning

Why ?

Because people have become spoiled and just do not care anymore

Taking life for granted ~

The Holy Bible contains visionary discriptions of Heaven and of conflicts of good and evil

"THE END OF THE WORLD "

No we can not stop this for it was planned since the beginning of time

But do you know where your going in the afterlife

Have you done any good will to men

IS YOUR LIFE WORTH GIVING TO STOP EVIL

The world has become a very sad place

How many times do we hear of a mother or father killing a child

Or children killing children and children killing parents

So much death and distruction

We are destroying each other

We are destroying earth as well

' GODS CREATION "

Yes - some things were meant to be

But not all things ...

" SINS "

Humans sin ... Yes we were born to sin ... But that does not mean it's an excuse to do so

What if Jesus had not died for our sins so that WE COULD be forgiven

Where would we all be

'We" walk around feeling sorry for ourselves all the time

Thinking about what we want or what we do not have

LIFE is not a bout all that

LIFE is what you make it

YOU DO have choices !!!

You are choosing how to live your life by your choices

GOD gave you life but you make your own decisions

You choose where you want to end up

So when you think poor me or why me

THINK ! .. Did you make the choice to get where you are now

I know I did

Dearest Father ~

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 23:12 EST

Hidden in my own little world locked away from society

Watching the time pass by with each day

Waiting

Hoping

Wondering

Turning more numb inside with each sound

Slipping away like the cool gentle breeze that blows

in the background that goes unnoticed

Becoming one with nature

Just letting go

Feeling my spirit crossing through the barriers

Of this cruel, cold world that is heading for ' The End"

I feel his warmth embracing me

I'm ready to come home

Please release me from this hell on earth

Oh dearest Father , my eyes hurt

My tears ` - now cry of blood

My heart ` - bleeds

I've seen so much sorrow and pain

And I've lived it

I feel I am going to die from a broken heart

My sanity is becoming powerless

I have no desires anymore

I'm so tired father ~

Hurting Me ~

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 14:35 EST

Trying to forget

It hurts so bad

The closer you get

Makes me more sad

You hurt me beyond despair

These scars on my heart

You can not repair

Why do you continue to cause me pain

You put our relationship into a strain

I Loved You once upon a time

But you rejected me

Acting crazy and out of your mind

You use to say

Till death do us part

Now all you have is the coldness in your heart

Your hurting me , hurting me so bad

I feel like exploding

I feel mad

I'm dying on the inside

I can't take much more

My heart barely beating

My heart on the floor

You continue kicking me

While I am down

Do you want blood

Or just want me in the ground

How can you treat me this way

I'm human too

My body is frayed

I feel like getting a knife

To show you on the outside

what the inside feels like

Maybe if I draw my own blood

Then you shall see

My tears flowing as they bleed

Then would you stop hurting me

Felicia M. Young

Am I Dead ........

Sun, 21 Dec 2008 16:17 EST

Lost for words

I don't hear a sound

Livin life in this cruel world

Putting my body in the cold ground

Just another number with a lost soul

After this life

Where will I go

Looking back

With flashes of light in my head

Seeing all my life

As I am dead

Felicia Young

The Bitter Cold ~

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 07:14 EST

He became so cold when I began working with him .

I started finding things out, that he had been telling me lies

I was working doing a mans job as far as the physical strength I needed from a daily basis . Working hard work every day going out in the extreme cold temperatures , including in the rain and snow. Keeping up with 2 men while trying to prove myself to them and to several people higher up . Constantly being watched , proving that I could do the work .

Because not only am I a woman but I am also his wife

Now that the ice storm season has approached he became even more angry and cold toward me . Which I could usually handle but it didn't end at work , I had to edure it at home as well .

Including the whole weekends too .

Ice storms mean we leave the state and go where ever there is people in need of electricity .

See - we clear tree's from power lines so that we can help restore power to them .

But that's only on storm work ... Normally we trim tree's out of power lines on a daily basis incase there is a storm the limbs will be cut far enough back from a line that if they were to break they would clear a power line if they fell . But we do it in a timely manner and the tree's are not broken when we're doing it .

He did not want me to go on a storm to help ... He became so verbally violent with his words and to my 2 older boys until this morning when I turned in my things to him .

He would constantly ask me if I was quitting and when I said no he would become more angry with me . And I've been taking it all this time until he started on my boys from a previous marriage .

Finally I quit this morning and told him to stick the job where the sun don't shine and that I hope he gets EVERYTHING he truly deserves !!!

He then comes to me with this glowting smile on his face trying to hide it after he finds me crying . But I can see it .. So I ask him if he enjoyed seeing my pain .

He said no but until he left I could see it ...

Then he brags to me what he is buying with the money he will earn from the storm work hurting me even more .

I told him that if I could have gone I would use my money to buy me a car ... He says ' why do you need a car when we are making payments on this brand new one ?"

I said ' because if I divorce you I can not afford the car payments "

He says " that's f_ _ ked up !"

Then he left angry again ...

This is just one small part of my life .. I have much more then this going on .

So I have decided to publicize it ...

Not for sympathy but to maybe get an outside opinion .

So if you are reading this please leave me a comment

Thank you all and God bless you ~