Friday,Dec 31 2004, 06:15:00 PMhave been thinking a bit lately, or maybe...

have been thinking a bit lately, or maybe not.

about what i've been doing till now? no

about what i'm going to do in the future? not really..

then what? i dont know. what is in my brain? i dont know.

why do i not know? i dont know!!!

... evidence of brain not functioning...

last night (i believe) my roommate talked to me about... life?
no not really... uhm, well, she thinks my way of life (in general
maybe. or just my love life... lol, right, as if i have one). the
approximate comment was like... i'm too held back, too detached,
too... "staying in a controllable world." i know. i know what she
meant, and i know it's true.

but then... so what? what's wrong about keeping everything as
controllable as possible? i know it's "not fun," "not challenging,"
but i do not seek for that kind of fun nor challenge...

yes, i have thought about that before. staying back and be self-
protective and not having any chances to get hurt? or go out
and love and get hurt and feel the pain and paint my life with a
colourful colour... live it... experience it...
--well, it's obvious which SOUNDs much nicer... but, i just can't
make myself do it. i have been "stable" for too long and i don't
think i'm planning to let go of it... i have not found a person whom
i'd practically be willing to give up EVERYTHING and do ANY-
THING just for him/her...

i doubt... with my current attitude, would i even find one?

a him. or a her. am i confused? i guess, indeed...

people say your... *ahem* dreams reflect your sexuality...
if that is true... i tell you... i am Definitely Not Straight... @_@;;

i have, never in my dreams, have ANY form of physical contact
with ANY males; on the other hand... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
--ok, let's not go there...

it's not like i am not attracted to guys at all. i am, i... have crushes
on guys (which are GAY-ARSES?!! no... -_-;;;), i want to embrace
guys sometimes, and no, i have NO sexual desires towards guys
NOR girls... (why would I?? o_O)

it's really easy for me to fall for guys: talented, intelligent, nice,
polite, kind, pretty looking (lol), etc... all these... if they show
kindness to me, and look me in my eyes, i would easily fall.
of course, i know 99% of the time these nice gestures and a-
look-in-the-eye do not mean anything special. but still i'm inclined
to fall... so i refrain from contact with guys as much as possible...

and eventually... it's only natural to get along with girls...

no, what am i talking about? i've been with girls all my life, since
primary school... i've studied 12 years in an all-girls-environment,
with hardly any OTHER forms of social life... school WAS my
life... well 50% of it... the rest of the time i pretty much stay home
or spend with my... self... lol, family, and occasionally neighbours...

ok just doesnt matter whatever environment i lived in.

i do like guys, and i TRIED (my roommate said it doesnt really count
since i dint physically GO OUT and SEE the guys during this relationship).
i tried to have a relationship with wayne, but it din't work. something
in my told me that something is not right about it. not the guy. no...
wayne was really sweet and stuff... maybe not intellectual enough but
other than that... isnt he a totally nice boy and... boyfriend?
(well, probably? not like i have other people to compare him to...-_-;)

something inside me told me... i dont like it. i dont like it all lovey-dovey.
like... YUCK. EWW. but is it because wayne was not the right person?
or is it because... it's a guy? @_@

there is a part in me that tell's myself... that, going out with a girl
would be something wonderful, and i can act all gentlemanly and
care for her and carry things for her and protect her, and live a
happy life with her. and she will be my goddess. there is a part in
me that says, this is how i want it to be. although i have not really
done it at all...

and when i was going out with a guy, or when anything with guys
seem possible... a part in my would just tell me, no, this is not it.
no, i dont want this. no, it's not supposed to be like this...

but WHAT? HOW is it SUPPOSED to be? there is no SUPPOSED
things in love, life, and relationships. why am i imprisoning myself
for... a reason that i dont even know?? it seems like there is a
mode that i want my love life to be, but what is that mode? how
did it take shape? why would i want my love life have to be that
way? why am i restricting myself...??? >_____<

maybe i am just stupid. but really... the ideas that "guys no girls cool"
is probably a product of my rebellious mind... to be DIFFERENT
from the norm... although the reasoning part of my brain seem to
understand that this rebellion would probably bring me no good,
something in my is acting stubborn and would not change......
--it is like a hardened mould, unless you shatter the whole thing...
it's shape is fixed......

well maybe, i should just shatter it then...

but it wont come into place or shape anymore... what should i do with it then?

31 Views | Post Comments | Share with Friends | Recommend

Saturday,Dec 11 2004, 11:35:00 AMi dont know, but weird ideas are comming...

i dont know, but weird ideas are comming into my head.

is it because i've studied too much? maybe. reading these VPA articles which
dont make much sense to me drives me crazy. and i'm not even really working
hard. -_-

well, not that they dont really make sense to me but, when they DO make sense,
i tend to start thinking and thinking and weird stuff comes into my head. but
you know, how could i STUDY if my brain is filled with those stuff? gahh....
dang... so now im slacking off (as usual) and blog a little cus i hvnt been doing
this for a long time~

so weird thought number one that went into my head:

I am not a reprise,
Nor am I a parody;
I am the original.

makes no sense? well, meh~

then... when i read about DADA, i cam across this paragraph by Hugo Ball:

If I cry out:
Ideals, ideals, ideals
Knowledge, knowledge, knowledge
Boomboom, boomboom, boomboom.

I have given a pretty faithful version of progress, law, morality, and all
other fine qualities that various highly intelligent men have discussed
in so many books, only to conclude that everyone dances to his own
boomboom.

i found it funny, yes because of the boomboom part, but am also impressed
because what he says does make sense. i also identify myself with Ball (just
partially), becsuse while he writes the DADA manifesto, he eventually
knew and honestly admitted that he "could never bid chaos welcome," which
is the essence of DADA-ism. knowing perfectly what something is and know-
ing that you could never be it. well, we click. XD

and then... afterwards, i really dint know WHY i had this idea, but it just...
sprang up to me:

human-splattering art:
falling head-first, straight from the sky;
creating a splattered human on the ground,
with the spilling of beautiful red colours decorating the core.
A beautiful, ritual death.

it actually sounds like a scary idea to me, but i WAS thinking about it seriously...
which is even more scary... and nonetheless i wrote it down... trying to write it
poetically.
but still... eww... >__<

oh well, studies studies studies.

33 Views | 6 Comments | Share with Friends | Recommend