Do they call it teen angst? And if they do, why do they call it that? Is that saying that I don't have the right to be angry without being condemned as having no sense of self-control over this rage that I feel so often? Well fuck them- these damn arrogant adults that always claim to know more than their own children. They were once children themselves- stop being so bloody cocky for the sake of "keeping up with appearances." By the way, I loved that British comedy... haha. It's not Bucket, it's Bouquet! Haha.

So I figure, as long as I'm going to have this red eye, I might as well laugh it off. The next person that makes a comment about it or teases me about it, instead of thinking "fuck you" inside of my mind, I'll politely tell them that I've got fire in my eye, because being a Leo, I naturally burst into flames whenever I want to... I have control over this, or at least I can force myself to believe that I do. So much damn fuckin' homework; thank God I got it all done before tomorrow. With the Literacy test going on, I'm using homework and my red eye as an excuse not to attend any of my classes. That and the fact that I would be doing nothing there anyways, so I might as well sleep in and try to get my eye in tip-top shape for Friday. Nothing to look forward to that day except a presentation on racism and also a stupid essay due.

Don't even get me started about english class. I feel as if the teacher is a bitch, based on the single reason that she is giving me shitty-ass marks because she's too picky and I don't do exactly what she tells me to do. That's not even it- she doesn't make it CLEAR what the hell her expectations even are; fuck her. I could care less what she thinks about my writing; I was a good writer, Gresch thought so in Writer's Craft and I'm still a good writer regardless of what she thinks. She can have a say but her say has no impact on my self-perception. Long have I allowed teachers to claim power over my own self-confidence and perception of self... they do not own me- they never will. She doesn't know me well enough to make a judgment that I can take seriously; she is a stranger. That's like someone random walking up to me on the streets and calling me a "bitch" for no reason whatsoever. That is her expectations, her marking style, her... everything. Fuck that- whatever. I have no tolerance for her- she can shut the hell up or else I'll interrupt HER everytime she wants to say something, like she did to me today when I was discussing matters with my essay group.

Want more logical criticism? Now I know that both her and I aren't that strong in math, but it doesn't take one to be good in math, to be able to think logically. I don't think she has any ounce of logic in her. Honestly, she's an adult... time to break this misconception that plagues society. Just because someone is older and seemingly so more "experienced," doesn't make them right or more correct in everthing they think, say and do. I have more logic than her- if she would take my advice, maybe we could negotiate out some compromise. But whatever- I am so over this power struggle, this egotistical fight for shitless nothing. I'm pouncing the next time she gives me a bad mark- I demand her to defend her marking. I have reason to believe I'm being singled out; does she have something against me or the way I write? The way I write is personal so if she has a problem with it, it becomes my problem to deal with. Bitch...

Gosh, teachers and school and me don't make a good threesome. In fact, that sounded disgusting. As if I would ever think of having relationships with teachers- they fuckin' hate me so I hate them for hating me. That is the way it will stay because I said so... no, because life always proves me right. I have reason to be arrogant- I'm pissed off, and when I'm pissed off, I act so unlike my real, more consistent self. I become a selfish snob because I distrust anyone and everyone. Heck, human kind hasn't exactly treated anyone nicely 24/7 so we all have good reason to be skeptical of one another.

I keep having dreams of you, and days after I dream about you, terrible things happen to me in real life. You are a curse- how is it you live on in my unconscious and leak your way out of that mind prison that I've built? Stop enslaving me- the next time I dream about you, I'm killing you. You can't be part of my present and you will NEVER be part of my future. You hear that? Now go on and get out of my mind, you memory of the real person I equally love as much as I hate. Damn it- I hate emotions sometimes. They are so complicated and unclear, I don't know what to make of them. Good or bad? You were bad to me- you don't deserve my time of day ever again and I have a right to say that. You have to comply, or else, I will... and karma it back to you. Walk straight out of your life. See how you like that- a taste of your own bittersweet, more bitter than sweet medicine.

Fuck it- I'm so pissed off at the world these days. I seem to be so calm on the surface at first glance, but hear me out and I can rant hours on end to you. No one knows the real me; the real me isn't for anyone to know except for a selected few. I need to know you won't ever judge me first and once I feel safe, and that is, if you can prove yourself to be a safe haven for me, then I will confess... The real Anthia is someone not many people know- in fact, only two and a half people know me fully and one of them isn't even a person- he's a God, a supreme being. Everything beyond my control, is in his control because out of hopelessness, I've given it all up to him. I don't mind though; I wasn't exactly doing a "good" job taking responsibility for everything that occurred in my life in the past. From now on, I am a new convert- I think so, at least. 

The green man... New Age is fascinating. I barely know anything about the belief itself, except for the fact that no, I do not consider myself a goddess. But no one can say that Enya's music isn't appealing in the least way possible, or that nature itself is more beautiful than any human being will ever get... Bitch- I'm responsible for you... you fuck me over and tease me for doing you a favour and I won't do the favour for you. I'll leave you to fail and then, I won't even feel guilty for it... I'll deny the guilt if it happens that I should feel it. Just to give you a taste of your own bigotry- you narcissist... sometimes you seem that way to me. I have no tolerance or patience for self-absorbed people. If you want to be self-absorbed, don't prove to me that you are. Just be by yourself, or else you're being a poser. Only self-absorbed people are true loners, because they are too self-absorbed to absorb the presence of any others in their life.

Prove me wrong- life, I acknowledge the truth of you too often. The truth is anything that is hopeless and depressing, anything that shoots down your dreams and makes you stay "realistic."

Embrace that which is helpful, or that which can only make you feel sad. Sad is a great feeling... I wish more people would be depressed more often. Then they wouldn't have to complain about not being able to learn "anything," whenever they wanted to.

You... This ship has sailed off... it sailed off a long time ago. You're just fooling yourself- wake up. We are in two completely different worlds. I said it once and I'll say it once again. Have a good life- I know that my life is good... without you in it. Guess what? I've survived so long without you, which makes me think, you were never there in the first place.

Burn- I've got fire in my eye.

So what?

Signed: Yours, Anthia 

Whatever happened to inspiration behind words? I type words, but do they mean anything, anything at all? Sometimes they do and that's when I can tell I'm typing out my heart. What to make of anything... I really don't know. Instead of moving forward with my life, I find myself having the same wants I once had in my past, but never really obtained. Old desires are old desires that don't disappear until I get what I want. That's completely unrealistic, but try telling that to my head. I'm starting to think that I'm being irrational again, like I'm kookier than usual- or rather, that is my usual haha. All I know is that I know nothing, and still, I form such strong opinions that ensure that I do know something in the least. Hm... I am so contradictory, but still, what point haven't I reached about myself already? I really hope that there is something new that I can learn about myself soon- I'm starting to get bored with myself. Like my mom said, "Anthia, I like my life. The reason why you don't like yours, is because you make your life boring." Maybe there is some truth to that... I mean, I don't do much, but that is the sacrifice for obtaining this highly effective self-discipline, especially when school is occurring. I'm almost out I tell myself, although I have four more months to go- aughh... disgusting school- erlack, erlack, erlack.

On the contrary, good news, I'm going to York. Bad news, some rapist does his duty there. Gosh, I'm going to become another statistic- I must find myself some body guards or "protection" friends by the first week I get there... tough luck? Hm... I will worry about it and worry about it some more and some how, some time a solution has got to formulate inside my tiny brain. I don't think that I give myself enough credit sometimes, but other times, I give myself too much credit, so it all works out in the end... if there is an end indeed.

Crazy, crazy fun times. Every since I found myself some philosophy buddies, things have been looking up. I can complain all I want- better out than in of course, and still, I don't give these guys nearly enough credit for how much they've taught me within a year's worth of time. What is friendship? What is love? How much should one sacrifice in a relationship? Who knows? I don't... but I think as if I can know, and that is all that matters. All we do is in vain, so why not be more vain? It's inevitable- if nothing is permanent, then everything is temporary and thus, erasable, replaceable and everything in between. Do what you will... it's not like it's going to last forever- or will it?

Enough questions- I could go on asking questions non-stop if I didn't stop myself. I've been meaning to make the effort to go back to church. I'm not going for the right reasons, I never have, but I can't sit and wait around until I do end up going for the right reasons. I don't know if I should show up this week though- they have communion and as much as I am supposed to partake in it, I feel as if I shouldn't and that service will be longer than usual- erlack. I got baptized... what for? Well seeing as none of the brainwashing lessons, sessions or worksheets did their job in answering this question for me, I had to make up a reason for myself to explain my random decision to go through with this committment. Apparently, I "heard" a voice that sounded like God's that told me to get baptized- so I did. What have I lost? Absolutely nothing. What have I gained? If I said nothing, now that would be an understatement. I have gained... free stuff? lol. That and also a promise that I will continue my studies and fascination with religion altogether, and wonder what it is about Christianity that intrigues me. This religion is fascinating to me, or else why would I be so hooked onto it for no apparent reason? Everytime I think I'm over being a Christian, a spark ignites deep within me and I know I'm still interested in knowing more about what I've already been taught over and over again. I have been... unaffected mostly, by the brainwashing of sermons and sunday school classes, but yet again, it has affected me so deeply that I can never fully let go of it. I am... borderline. I can't call myself a Christian, I can't call myself a non-Christian. I have no fuckin' clue what I am and I don't need someone else to define my religious status for me. Chance are, I'll decide for myself what I am and if you want to tell me, go ahead and tell me- I won't listen to you. Why? Because I am stubborn and selfish- I make my own decisions when it comes to religion.

That's not the only source of conflict I find for myself. I don't like the restrictions of the Christian religion. I don't understand why faith has to be about not seeing in order to believe, I don't get why believing that Jesus died on the cross for us and resurrected three days later will lead to salvation and an eternity in heaven. It's like math- you can claim that 1+1=2 and that may be universal "truth" to anyone else, but I question why? How can one reach that conclusion? I will not believe readily if I do not know why. If I go back to Sunday school, maybe I can start a debate with the Sunday School teacher... good times, like the old days when all I did was question and be skeptical- be me (hehe).

I doubt anything and everything, so much to the point that I don't want to believe anything any more. If I do believe, I know there's a great chance that I'm wrong, but it's not a matter of being right, it's a matter of being able to discover and confirm what is right in this world. The question starts at what is truth? and gets as elaborate as what part of Jesus is truth? I discovered the old church forum that I used to post on a lot. It has a lot of my discussions with this other dude Jeff and some other people on truth, the soul, etc... I miss that- that was me through and through. These days, I've evolved into a working machine. Cripes, I don't even have enough time to be myself anymore. You see me in school, I ignore you because I'm working, you see me on msn, I'm too busy doing my own thing. It's where you don't see me and you wonder what I'm doing (you stalkers out there) and I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm probably working or sleeping. That is life- so drab, so boring, so lifeless, so contradictory of its initial purpose. And I am the result of all this... I feel like I'm a slave to my own demands and stupid demands they are. Instead of following my ambitions and passions, I'm forced to do what I hate doing because I force myself to do all this. I can make myself do anything these days- gosh, I am losing this war against myself. I'm not torn, just completely divied up. Like seriously, who is Anthia? I don't know- there are more than two sides, all battling each other for me. Mind control- I am a slave- not for you, but for myself. Augh... how horrid. So what am I going to do about this? Absolutely nothing. Because though I care, I don't care enough to want to figure out what to do with myself. I am hopeless, but happily so, at least I've forced myself into believing that I am happy.

If someone gives you a heart-shaped rock, does that mean that they love you? If someone wants to give you a rock that says "love" on it, do you say, "thank you very much?". Shit, I think I'm so stupid because I'm in denial. I can't come to terms with why someone would like me so much to the point where they would prove to me that they love me. I don't even know what love is, but that only leaves room for me to find out what it is. I think I've got good friends- people who bring me down to earth, people who ground me, no matter how idealistic and up-in-the-clouds we all may seem to others.

Tell me the truth, do I seem hard to approach? Am I intimidating? I hope not- I'm just so shy, I hate saying those words "I love you" or rather even just a simple "Hello." Help me out, be the first to say it- that's how he captured my heart once... he was the first to approach me, to prove that he was vulnerable, but still he was determined to get to know me... Where are you now E.W.? I still think of you, but those thoughts are so sad. I know you left- walked straight out of my life and all I could do was digress and shrink back, shrink away from it all, from the reality I was saddened from, when forced to face. I'm not okay- that really hurt me... I would face you today, I might not even say anything more than a simple "hello," but I'm not afraid of you. You've hurt me so much in the past, but all I can do is show you mercy and forgiveness, because I realize you need so much of that. Your greatest weakness, is that you feel as if you have no weaknesses at all. You can't keep fooling yourself- it'll catch up to you. And when it all does, I hope that someone's there for you... how can you live with yourself? I don't even want to know. I have to burn my thoughts, those thoughts of you that keep re-occuring yearly. Why? I don't know- you haunt my subconscious and I dream about everything in my subconscious, because it is beyond my control to repress during those times. Die a million deaths. I hope I don't see you in hell- that would be more than I could ever handle. An eternity with you- my answer, is a permanent NO.

Wow, I feel so sad all of a sudden. Damn it- haha. Intake air, exhale stress... that's what they've been telling me to do. I think for the fun of it, I'm going to burn all of my old journals. I want to remember nothing of my past- none of it was that great. All except for those philosophy notes that I took in that one journal- I'm keeping those. This is the new me- the one that doesn't want to remember who I once was. But then, how can I forget about who I once was if I can still remember so much of my past through my memories? I'll have to figure out a way to destroy my subconscious- I don't like these thoughts that are leaking out of it... it's an unsafe vault, too cracked, too old for use. I need a new subconscious, a second chamber with maximum security. Anyone know where I can find one?

More realistic thoughts tomorrow. Do I sound depressed? Good- that is reality. Indifference is a defence mechanism we use when we're in denial of what we actually have to face. What isn't there, can't have an opinion placed upon it. How we keep ourselves safe from this world is ridiculous. What's even more ludicrous is how far we'll run away from ourselves, only to realize we've reached a dead end... We are all we have- ourselves... can we face it?

Face the face staring right back at you,

 ~love, Anthia

Happy Valentine's Day... my ass. Actually, my day has been alright so far. I got to stay home because a stupid snow storm ruined my plans to continue work in photography class. One day delay means I have one less chance of getting ahead of myself and the workload in that class- joy unbound. Still, whatever. Sometimes I feel as if the love-hype of Valentine's Day, messes me up. I start thinking unrealistically about what I want for my future, of what I have and how it feels to me. I think I need to chill out and take this day for myself... think of no one else for that matter. Today is about me- what I want to do with my time, my thoughts consumed by the subject of me. A day to be so selfless has turned into a selfish day. I'll defy society for it. Right now, I want a popsicle.

I'm watching Avatar later- this day is turning into crap... why? because I'm starting to get bored and frustrated.

These fucked up pink and red days- die colours, die.