menHOkahei's Homepage

menHOkahei's Homepage http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei Tue, 29 Dec 2009 21:09 EST Tue, 29 Dec 2009 21:09 EST Zorpia.com here i m again... http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1940289 i keep imagining the next time we kiss - i want that feeling up my throat again n i want that feeling of my skin bursting out n dissolving into urs; that masculinity right around me... even til now, i don't know whether i've done the right thing or not - i just know that i've been trying to keep myself away from thinking so that i don't imagine.but every single songs i hear, every lyric that relates to love... are reminding me of u. i miss u tragically - but at the same time i know, that we will never be the same again. i can't express my feelings becoz i've been repressing them - n i think, maybe the second i let them out, my tears are going to drop with regret.wt's so good abt being in love? i hv no idea.... especially when all the good memories are mixed with the sense of loss - when all the reflections of laughters and tears are confused with the word 'forever' - when everything means nothing, n nothing means everything that used to be the best of things - the irony, is... horrific. but i love u, i know i do - i just can't cope with the word 'love' for now.   Personal http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1940289 Wed, 04 Nov 2009 21:17 EST remember// http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1883039 i m listening to a song which i sang to u a long time ago... at the place where we departed;i don't know how much u remember our past- but i know if i sing the same song this time, even if i hv my back to u... i won't cry again - n neither will u...i remember all the scattered images of our past,,, though i m not certain how long i will keep them for - they might be replaced by some other images; or they might just fade through time... but listening to this song made me rememebr the very beginning... the very first time that i had this feeling of pain. deja vu... the 'emotional memory' - i shall keep this feeling, n use it on stage when i need it. (at least that's all i can do with it right now...) Personal http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1883039 Mon, 23 Feb 2009 21:38 EST Thank you for our memories. http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1882745 nei yau mo num gwo, nei chung yi yat gor yan, nei hoi sum yau ho, ng hoi sum yau ho, nei dou hor yi tung kui fun hern har lei? Personal http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1882745 Sun, 22 Feb 2009 19:01 EST because smiling is the alternative for crying... http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1864991 i don't know why i said that lu... suppose it just came straight out of my head? suppose... maybe in the time i need, i hv to take my mind away from thinking? suppose i m sick and tired of feeling upset?...if smiling is a disguise... i'll laugh!! but i won't let myself cry in front of anyone... it's not worth it. Personal http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1864991 Wed, 17 Dec 2008 17:59 EST one day http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1861422 i've decided to give myself one day to come over; one day to break down if i want to... and i realise that all i need is inspiration... i've received it! i found my comfort and i m fine now... i hope u are too... Personal http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1861422 Fri, 05 Dec 2008 13:59 EST where am i? http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1856303 i don't know wt's going on in my head... if i don't think about u, i m absolutely fine! so fine that i think i can afford losing u forever... but i keep thinking about u... it's not even missing - just, merely, thinking through and through... wt would be best for us? wt would be best for u?... i m tired of thinking now; i've written down how i feel n i've sent it through... it's up to u wt to do with it... i wish for the best for u, that's it! no more and nothing else... Personal http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1856303 Tue, 18 Nov 2008 00:28 EST -stop- http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1851762 i m really trying to identify an emotion that's running through me right now. no, it isn't pain - it isn't sadness either... or i wanted to be sad but my tears won't fall and i kept telling myself it's not sth to cry for~ afterall, it's only a minor change. no, it isn't emotionless - i know there's sth burning in my heart but it's just burning right there, deep inside... i can't let it go, i can't control it, i am screaming but i m not; why should i?  no, it isn't guilt - if it was guilt than i hv been guilty all along... but it's about both of us right? we don't want this to happen... but this has happened for a reason - and we are trying to find out wt it is... before it's too late. yes, i can feel it now. it's not an emotion, not one that can be described by words... but the image of blankness - it's only my surface that is functioning, i can't work on the inside coz sth is missing... u know wt i will do? i will stop thinking about it, or analysing it... but just let it flow~ if i cry, i will let myself cry (only under the circumstances that no one can see me)... just stop, as u said, stop for a while; i don't know wt is happening next, i doubt if i m seriously considering to think about it... but i think my heart will stop for now too. Personal http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1851762 Tue, 04 Nov 2008 00:18 EST A-level result http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1828559 they didn't let me down, i've let myself down. if i was only a few marks away from the requirement grades, i will be upset, i will be frustrated. but after receiving my results, i actually felt relieved because i really hvn't done as well as i hoped for, not even close at all... but luckily i was reading one's msg on a leavers' book, saying that sometimes, even if you've done your best n you think the result would still be the same, it doesn't matter - as long as u don't regret wt u do... isn't that just luck that i read it b4 i got my result? becoz it has really given me strength... thank you. i hv contacted the uni n ask for any alternative ways for getting in. but even if the outcome is still a 'no', i won't be upset anymore - becoz i just need to do my best in the next few years n make the most of it; so that i won't let myself down, n i won't let anyone down... the old saying is always: 'look for the future, the past has been passed, never look back'... yes! i hv let myself down in the last exam - the resulst are sersiously, BAD... but thinking back, i hv worked very hard on the exams... i hv been making lots of notes, looking through the past-paper... n sometimes it could hv just been luck or nerve... i m not going to blame anyone, not even myself, becoz i hv given it the best shot... destiny... it hasn't been made for me; i m about to make it! the results might hv prooved that i m not made for studying - funny thing is, i m not upset about the bad results... becoz i realise i don't really care that much for results! wt i care is wt i dream of doing... n my dream doesn't depend on wt uni i go to... it depends on wt i do! n i m still going for my dream! Personal http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1828559 Thu, 14 Aug 2008 23:55 EST written after leavers' party... http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1814658 somehow i feel more n more detached from the ppl around me... like a bird without legs... just want to fly away with my dreams n ambitions.. my fds are more like a supporting branch behind me now... my bestest fd don't even need to talk to me; we are just here for each other whenever.. so strange how ppl can change n beome more n more independent... does that mean we care less for others? but don't the others grow up too? Personal http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1814658 Fri, 20 Jun 2008 20:40 EST my weird but wonderful dream... http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1787183 i dreamt of all those who were n are in burgess hill last night, all those who i loved n love... from janette, evangeline, my sister, to carmen, deboarh n kary, to tracey, vanessa n angela... all of us were in the boarding house together! although the structure of the building has changed, all the rooms were lined up with glass windows... how many tears n goodbyes have i spead across the years in burgess hill? how many of my good fds have departed?... n i started to wonder, everyone seemed to have moved on to their new lives... news have been heard (though rather seldomly) from these precious fds... n i, even though i m physically still in burgess hill, somehow i became heartless to all the changes around me... it seems that my heart have already moved on too~ not that this place is meaningless to me, but all the changes it bared has both warmed n torn my heart.... my dearest fds, wherever u are, let my heart be with u, n bless u with all my heart; burgess hill, a place i m about to depart - though u might face even more departments n songs we sing to say goodbye, let the spirit of fdship be with u, let this place be where everyone find their true fdships, which would last forever. n i shall move on from this place, n follow something else.. my ambition perhaps - n maybe one day my dream will come true, all the fds i love will meet together, as the fds i always remember.... n we shall laugh n sing till the night dawn.... n we shan't part again, ever. Personal http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1787183 Wed, 26 Mar 2008 11:59 EST somehow i c where she's coming from... http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1785080 just remember sth that bei said to me... about the boarding house.. n how ironic is that? just as i read sth written by one fd, telling me how happy she is to be here, how all her fds are supporting her n that this would be her home forever.... another fd came up to me; n in complete contrast... suddenly, i can c where bei was coming from... deep down in my heart, i love this boarding to pieces, i love how everyone is so united, i love how we are one big family... n i know it's still here - but only a small part now maybe... or just in our memories... even i find myself helpless to make it how it was again... 'where there is ppl, where there is ppl talking about one another...' - i hv to admit that i became almost cold-hearted towards this line, i, isabella leung, is not even trying to change this anymore... all i can do is use my little strength to tell ppl to hv faith, believe in themselves, think about the others.... but deep inside me, i know that this boarding is no longer the harmonious place that i first lived in... somehow i even thought that, if i were to leave a few years ago, i would feel terrible, i would cry; but i don't think i would now... perhaps just abit bitter when i think about some ppl here, but i don't think i would cry, not really - not for the tiring rumours i've heard, not for the tears from the eyes of my fds - my belief is still there... but it is limited as to how big an impact it can be... the decade of that sense of amtosphere which i once felt when i was smaller, it's no longer there... where i consider home would probably just be the memories, of way way back - when i was still small, when i was masked away by the cruelty of the reality... somehow everybody needs to see the fact - yes, i see this as a fact now, n the only way to deal with it is to face it with the right attitude... not being part of it, but just be myself... still, i hope that it would change again, but i don't think i will be able to see it when i m here. this is life, life is sometimes rather ironic.... still, most of it is merely a challenge for my heart, soul and faith. as for my dearest fds, i might not be strong enough to influence u, but plz consider ur actions and words b4 u do them - think about the feeling of a heart-break. Personal http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1785080 Thu, 20 Mar 2008 05:51 EST just one of those days again... http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1781944 u know sometimes when u are really excited about sth... that lift u up n make u put everything into it, completely devoted to it... sth that u would first think of when u get up... but then once that is over, ur mind just completely slip over to somewhere else... just as les mis is over, i m hving one of those confusing minds again... perhaps it's just me, making up things to think about, questioning about events n ppl around me... i think my suspense is getting too much that it even depresses me when i realise it... but, o well... it's just one of those days when u think ur world is completely upside down.... even the normality becomes the opposite... nth seems right~ n then u'd realise it's actually urself who's gone abit upside down.... ok... just need a little laying down, typing up this strange feeling on zorpia maybe... find a place to chill out... n just get on with my life... OK! let's just do it, bring myself back on....^^ Personal http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1781944 Mon, 10 Mar 2008 08:56 EST it breaks my heart... http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1769692 i used to believe that, every person has a lake of themselves; at the bottom of the lake, there is always a golden coin - which shines with its uniqueness, the brighest, purest light... if u can't see the coin, it's just becoz the water is a bit dirty... but it's there, it's always there... after yesterday, i still believe in it. and i cannot deny that not everybody has this same concept, same believe... n i cannot deny that it's very difficult to make everyone believe in it; but it's not impossible. don't protect me from the reality, i don't need protection; i m not like the princesses who live in their own world becoz i believe in making belief. n i know - thank God - that there are ppl who think the same as i do... there are fds who still think that this is a gift, not an escape, not a supervisual or naive believe that one would offer anything for... it's the faith that counts. as a painting can be interpreted in ten thousands ways as an accident can be reported by ten thousands views one say, one touch, one glance at your face can be taken also, in ten thousands ways n i choose my own way... n if just one person believe in me, i do n will, offer, ten thousands loving lives. justify urself - it breaks my heart when i heard n saw; dear friends... plz, love one another. Personal http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1769692 Tue, 29 Jan 2008 09:33 EST 2008 http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1761945 happy new year! recently i keep looking at the past... back then, everything seemed brighter, lighter, happier... sometimes i do argree that growing up is a hard thing; sometimes when i see that everyone around me have moved on, i could almost get lost: don't know where i belong, don't know who i can go to.... exactly, i think too much now... i don't understand y i didn't think so much b4, i used to be satisfied n happy with the current; but now i find it more n more difficult - it seems like i hv to pick a little moment, persuade myself not to pick on the negative sides b4 i believe that i m truly content. i look back to the previous xanga post n thought: i was so happy, so light-hearted... i m not sure if i can be light-hearted n happy as be4, but i always wanted to do so, i will try my best - i know it's the past, it's the past! but i can't help my tears from falling down, i can't help my insecurity to feel that the past keep reoccuring n reoccuring... passing memories.... i wish nothing ever changes. Personal http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1761945 Thu, 03 Jan 2008 01:43 EST 'The Two Voices' - Tennyson http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1753436 From out my sullen heart a power Broke, like a rainbow from the shower, To feel, although no tongue can prove, That every cloud, that spreads above And veileth love, itself is love. [ll. 443-7] Personal http://www.zorpia.com/menHOkahei/journal/1753436 Wed, 05 Dec 2007 06:18 EST