Journals
Saturday,Jul 7 2007, 07:50:33 AMJuly 7th, 2007
today is my father's birthday...
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dear father,
when i was young you protected me from all harm, yet now you want me to leave you because of who you've made me out to be... i want to tell you that i am a failure, and i need your help... but now you just push me away and rather watch and have your heart broken from the side so you have no shame... no pain... only the pain that oneself will know...
are all parents like this? are they always wanting to have certain pain that only they themselves feel? is this their little 'secret' place?
i miss the times where you would tell me to hit the person that hits me... i enjoy seeing you beating people up because they are bad... i often felt you were God doing justice... but now i see you as someone i had never known... i hate myself for not knowing who you are anymore... but maybe i had never known...
when i was young grandpa, grandma and you were Gods and Goddess... but now you've become something more scarier than the devil...
whatever you've become or whatever i've become i just wish you would be able to know that i love you... and i'm scared that i wouldn't have enough time to take care of you... and if i do i am scared you wouldn't want me to take care of you...
DADDY I LOVE YOU - - - - - - - - i just hope you do too.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD... no matter what you're the best... you'll always be the DADDY in my heart even if i'm in tears saying words like "i hate you"... i only say them cause i hate myself and i see that time is flying by more quickly then i realized... i don't have that much time... you don't either... i'm scared dad... i'm scared... but all i can do is move forward...
i hope God will be nice to me to let you have my love and take care of you in your older days...
Love,
nioz