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purpleunicorn15's Homepage http://www.zorpia.com/purpleunicorn15 Fri, 05 Sep 2008 21:37 EDT Fri, 05 Sep 2008 21:37 EDT Zorpia.com joke http://www.zorpia.com/purpleunicorn15/journal/1638763 Doctor Jokes One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumblebee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!" Personal http://www.zorpia.com/purpleunicorn15/journal/1638763 Fri, 26 Jan 2007 20:45 EDT Funny http://www.zorpia.com/purpleunicorn15/journal/1636504 couldnâ€™t pass up the opportunity to share a good laugh!! There isn't a woman alive today who won't crack up over this! **************************************** I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.; I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am . The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" Confused because I really didn't take an extra effort... I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it." NEVER EVER GOING BACK TO THAT DOCTOR EVER!!!!! Gossips & Jokes http://www.zorpia.com/purpleunicorn15/journal/1636504 Fri, 19 Jan 2007 16:38 EDT Courting http://www.zorpia.com/purpleunicorn15/journal/1635432 Courting Little Johnny was 12 years old and, like other boys his age, was rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from older boys and he wondered what it was like and how it was done. One day he took this question to his mother who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, his mother told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mom. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile then he turned off most of the lights. He then started hugging and kissing her. I figured Sis must be getting sick because her face started to look funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart just like the doctor would do. He was not as smart as a doctor because he seemed to be having trouble finding it. "I guess he was getting sick too because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it in her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and groan and squirm around and slide down towards the end of the couch. This is when the fever started. "I knew it was the fever because Sis said she felt real hot. Finally I found out what was making them so sick. A big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest. Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. "When Sis saw it, she got real scared, her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and started calling to God and stuff. She said it was the biggest one she ever saw...... I should have told her about the one down at the lake. "Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while her boyfriend took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel`s head to keep it from biting again. "Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess he wanted to kill it by squeezing it between them. "After a while they both quit moving and a great sigh came forth. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, the eel was dead. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp with some of its insides hanging out. "Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle but they went on courting anyways. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly the eel wasn`t dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats with 9-lives. "This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After 35 minutes of struggling, they finally killed it. I knew it was dead because I saw Sis`s boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet....." Gossips & Jokes http://www.zorpia.com/purpleunicorn15/journal/1635432 Tue, 16 Jan 2007 08:37 EDT Bubba Claus's Best Pick-up Lines http://www.zorpia.com/purpleunicorn15/journal/1627868 Bubba Claus's Best Pick-up Lines Hey Babe, when was the last time you had a really good sleigh? Care to see my twelve inch elf? I've got something special in the sack just for you! Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip? I know when you've been bad or good so let's skip the small talk, sister! Some of my favorite toys run on batteries.... Interested in seeing the North Pole? (Well, that's what Mrs. Claus calls it...) I see you when you're sleeping and you don't wear any underwear, do you? Screw the "nice" list. I've got you on my "nice AND naughty" list! Ho-Ho-How'd you like to shake like a bowl of jelly? I put the 'scroo' in 'scrooge! I've got something you can hang a wreath on! One hour with me honey and you'll see flyin' reindeer! That is NO candy cane in my pocket, and I'm glad to see you. Uh-yeah, that's right. I'm Kenny Rogers. I got your stocking stuffer right here! Giddy-up over here and say 'Howdy' to your fat, bearded cowboy of love! Gossips & Jokes http://www.zorpia.com/purpleunicorn15/journal/1627868 Sat, 23 Dec 2006 15:31 EDT Top 10 Reasons the North Pole r Called http://www.zorpia.com/purpleunicorn15/journal/1624907 Top 10 Reasons The North Pole Police are called 10. More shots fired at Santa's house 9. To remove the Elf with vibrating electric football set in his pants from the workshop 8. Unlicensed street vendor caught selling reindeer kabobs 7. Rudolph busted for showing what else he can make glow 6. Noise ordinances violated by Kathie Lee's singing 5. Rowdy teens chasing Frosty the Snowman with a hair dryer 4. Deranged gingerbread man arrested after several hours on street corner shouting "Eat me!" 3. Mrs. Claus nabbed for hooking on 9th Avenue 2. "Send the jaws of life: the old man's got his fat ass stuck in a chimney again" 1. Elfjacking Miscellaneous http://www.zorpia.com/purpleunicorn15/journal/1624907 Thu, 14 Dec 2006 23:38 EDT 12 Days of X-mas ...A Letter http://www.zorpia.com/purpleunicorn15/journal/1623423 12 Days of X-mas, A Letter Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 14 Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, Agnes Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 15 Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two Turtle Doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 16 Dearest John: Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - Three French Hens! They are just delightful, but I must insist, you've been too kind. Love, Agnes Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 17 Dearest John: Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now really, you're being too romantic. They are beautiful, but don't you think that enough is enough? Affectionately, Agnes Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 18 Dearest John: What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings - one for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. Love, Agnes Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 19 Dear John: When I opened the door, there were actually Six Geese-A-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Agnes Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 20 John: What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming! What kind of a goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck - it's not funny. So stop with those fucking birds! Sincerely, Agnes Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 21 OK Buster! I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 Maids a Milking? It's not enough with all these birds and maids a milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass! Agnes Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 22 Hey Shithead: What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there are nine Pipers Piping! And Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me! You'll get yours! Agnes Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 23 You Rotten Prick! Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm siccing the police on you. One who means it!! Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 24 Listen Fuckhead: What's with the Eleven Lords a Leaping on those Maids and Ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 birds are dead, they've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you vicious, rotten swine. Your sworn enemy, Agnes Law Offices Badger, Bender & Cajole 303 Knave Street Chicago, Ill. December 25 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of the Twelve Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All future cor-respondence should be sent to our attention. If you should attempt to contact Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot on sight! With this letter you will find attached a warrant for your arrest. Cordially, Badger, Bender & Cajole Personal http://www.zorpia.com/purpleunicorn15/journal/1623423 Sun, 10 Dec 2006 23:44 EDT