Wednesday,Jan 28 2004, 06:07:00 AMFirst Time ...Second Time Haha..many would...

First Time ...Second Time

Haha..many would be wondering what i am refering to ..well, i am actually refering to you experiencing and doing something for the first time and then the second time again.Take for example, a relationship...The first time is always the sweetest...but if after the patch up after a breakup, things will not be the same again.The second time of getting and being together in a relationship after a terrible quarrel , the whole feeling of being with the same guy /girl will never be the same again.Cos there will always be a crack in the relationship, a thorn in the relationship , though both party may not voice it out.

Well, i do have that similar type of feeling, well not in reference of love issues part, of course.But i regret doing one thing the second time as i am sad to discover that a lot of things and people have change the second time i do it.The whole feeling is different and not nice.i shouldn;t have done it.Well ,guess pple  and things do change ba.A lot of pple say that i am too sensitive, well i think they are right, i am . haha...another flaw of mine.oops.

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Sunday,Jan 25 2004, 08:17:00 PMU know....people all faces choices everyday..

U know....people all faces choices everyday..both small and big,major or minor..And all of us need to make decisions based on the choice we have and face...sometimes a lot of choices  while sometimes just one choice- which means u haf to take it or leave it.

We need to make decisions on small things like maybe where to go for lunch, wat to eat for dinner...things that would not cause great impact to your life , even if you made the wrong decision.But there are big things or major events in your life which the one decision you made will affect the rest of your life and will not just affect you but also whose around you like the ones you love..like marriage and jobs.

Sometimes, i do face choices in my life, choices which will lead me to make some decision which will change the cause of my life...(haha..ok , maybe i am to serious)..but still i am always stuck at the cross roads where I am unsure which way to take or should i just remain at the same place...

Maybe, other pple may think that i am stupid or silly but sometimes i just hope that i would rather prefer not to have too many choices available to me...because i am so scared that i will make the wrong decision and i will regret forever...haha..Sometimes , maybe would it be better that i have just one and the only one choice...maybe then i dun need to ponder and worry so much and just take the only one choice available.

i usually lookand think back after i make a certain decision to as to see if i have make the right decision then...wrong move.Haha..take for example, buying the Hi fi set ...i look around and finally bought one..after that i still go and look around and i saw one with even cheaper price and better functions..haha

N take marriage for example, after dating for a long time, you finally believe that he/she is the one and decide to get married and confirm that he/she is THE ONE.But after you get married , u begin to question your decision..and then a better guy or woman came around and you feel and realise that he or she is actaully mich better than the one you married.Thats how marriage breakup/divorce happens.When you finally make a choice of a lifetime and you realise that the choice you make is not the best one, wat would you do.? Would you stick by your decision or would you make changes to go for a better one?

People differ in the decision they made in these type of scenrio...but all i can say is that you have to trust in the decisions you make , no matter good or bad...cos when you dont have confidence in the decisions you make, you will not do well in it as you will keep on thinking and wondering if you are right in the decisions.haha...saying is easy but when you are practicing it, its diffcult, its easier to say than done.haha.even i am trying my best to follow wat i preach..

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Tuesday,Jan 20 2004, 12:00:00 AMActually come to think of it, I am quite a...

Actually come to think of it, I am quite a weird person..haha..many pple would be wondering why i say this ..

Lets just say that i am someone of double personality...haha...sounds scary ah..dun worry, i am not someone crazy is just that beneath my cheerful facade, i am someone who worries a great deal, one who is quite pessimistic..

I always like to laugh and joke with all my friends but alone, i am someone very quiet and always like to bottle up my feelings and keep all th worries and problems to myself.I do lack of self confidence and sometimes, my friends have more confidence in me than i have in myself..what an irony.

I am also someone not expressive in my feelings and how i feel, i usually express my care and concern through practical moves or actions like buying stuff/food for pple i care and love and will always remember the fav things and food of the pple i care for...i will always buy for them whenever i came across them.Most of times, i would bear to spend money to buy these things for my friends than buying for myself as i like to see my friends and loved ones happy.

I am also not used to huge display of great emotions...i will try to avoid pple's expressive actions of thanks and gratitude...cos maybe you wouldnt believe it..i am someone shy when it comes to emotions expressing ...

Sometimes, i also dont; quite understand myself...why am i like this...my collegueue all say that i am a PR queen..but its not that i PR for the sake of PR...to create a network for my own benefit..but its just that i like to talk to pple ...make friends..haha.

Even if i may like a guy...i usually dont; express it and will try to avoid the guy instead of trying to get close to him...weird right...? I will do a lot of things for the guy but would try to avoid the guy like walking in the opposite direction from him...i am contended as long as the person i like is happy when he likes the things i bought or do for him...I will just stole glances from afar...to see him..haha...

I also have conflicting ideas...though i long to be someone who can be of a high position and commands a great deal of respect and make important decisions...i am afraid of not being up to it.Maybe thats the reason why i like to do personality test..to undertsand myself more..haha,

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Monday,Jan 19 2004, 03:38:00 PMChinese New Year is coming and sometimes...

Chinese New Year is coming and sometimes though filled with festive and happy moods, it also brings us to remember how important it is to spend time with our loved ones and especially brings back memories of some of our loved ones who have leave us ...

I was reading one of Zurei's web entry and one particular piece by her moved me..as I am also gulity of not being there for my grandma when she is dying...

I still remember it happened when i was still in Primary 6 and I just finished my PSLE .At that time, alot of schools would allow students to play games like UNO and Donkey even in class as the exams are over.I was playing cards with my friends and suddenly i saw my dad approaching my classroom and his eyes franickly searching for me...He stopped to talk to my form teacher and while i was wondering what is happening, my teacher called me to come forward...

I was very surprised and shocked, "What really happened?" is the question that popped in my mind..But before I can think of an answer, my dad pulled me aside to tell me that he had bought the train tickets back to Malaysia leaving this afternoon and he is bringing back home to pack up..

I am very surprised...why is my dad so rush in taking a trip?..before i can ask this question, my dad told me that my grandma in Malaysia is dying and she may not be able to make it..I was stunned and rooted to the ground..too stunned to say anything and my mind is in a total blank...

" But ah ma is all right a few days ago wat...we called back to Malaysia just a few days ago..." is all i managed to come up with after standing stun for some time.It was then my dad told me that my ah ma's diabetes worsen and worse of all, the medicined the doc gave her worsen her condition and cause her pressure to become dangerously low..hence my uncle had to sent her to the ICU unit of the hospital this early morning.

What happened is a whirlpool to me and i couldnt remember much, all i remember is that we packed up and rush to the train station to board the train...hoping that we can see our grandma soon..

But the train broke down and stopped in the middle of the journey...in the middle of no where where it is pitch black...

Me and my family is like.....why would this happened in such a crucial moment...why why why....we are so frustrated but yet helpless..there is nothing we can do...and with no handphone then...we couldnt called to ask the condition of my ah ma...we all we can do is wait...wait ...wait..

Finally the train start moving and another 2 hrs passed and we finally reached KL...but it was already 2 plus in the morning...my uncle went to the station picked us ...we actaully wanted to rush to the hospital, but my uncle said that ah ma;s condition is bad but still stable and said that we can go to see her in the morning..and we wont disturb her resting..

We agree, thinking that since ah ma;s condition is still stable and it would be better that we don;t disturb her resting..hence we went to our uncle's house to rest for the night......

" An qian, wake up...ah ma just passed away"...is the sentence which my mum said to me  i will never forget....I immediately jump up from my bed and my sleep..becoming full awake.The cold hard truth hit me hard and before i know it, a series of events follow.....

There was this funeral at my uncle's house and alot of relatives came, many i have never seen before...many unfamilar faces.It seems so irony that pple always have to wait till this type of occasion then relatives will gather to meet and pple always have to lose something to realise that all along we have something so precious and important to our heart with us...its just that pple dun know how to treasure wat they have and keep on searching for things they thought they need and dun have...but actually they already have things and pple worth much more than wat they are searching for...

But i didn;t cry at the funeral...i just feel lost and full of regrets..cos i am gulity of not trying to be close to my ah ma...as my ah ma only knows how to speak cantonese., while i am a half bucket full type for cantonese, we always communicate through gesturing and a few of my lousy and simple cantonese. My ah ma loves me ...she took care when i am young in Malaysia and whenever we came back to visit her , she would cook our fav fried duck dish and most of time, she would end up with oil blisters from the cooking the dish...everytime we ask her not to cook that...she will insist . We feel bad as well as she being a diabetes patient, wounds are difficult to heal..

But anything say now is too late.........too late.My greatest regret of my life is not being able to see my ah ma for the last time...I feel so ufilial and remorse .Why must the stupid train stop at such a crucial time...why...i miss her alot..If I can turn back time, I will do all my best to see her...

Its so sad to see your loved ones to be reduced to a pile of ash..its so painful to lose someone you loved.How i wish i have treat her better when she is still alive and i spend more time with her.If only...

People always said this 2 words when its too late...If Only...

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Monday,Jan 19 2004, 02:48:00 AMChinese New Year is coming and everybody in...

Chinese New Year is coming and everybody in the office is sort having this Chinese New Year mood..haha..no xin in doing work since tmlo will be half day in the office..Wana to wish everybody a very happy chinese new year and get alot of hongbaos...hehe

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