Journals
Wednesday,Jul 15 2009, 01:08:13 AMA woman divorcing....
A Woman Divorcing
I am speaking only for myself and my experience
For me..the hardest thing to do was have the courage to tell myself I could start life on my own....without security...without someone there to pick me up if I fell.....to have the confidence that I need, to say to myself,"You CAN do it."
Uncertainty and low self esteem are killers of a dream...a dream to stand on your own feet and make a place for yourself in the world....a dream that you intelligent and can handle what life throws at you. I suppose my biggest fear was that I am not good enough. To try and to fail? Would that really destroy me? It could ,,,financially...and without money...what are you?..it takes money to live in our modern world. I could see myself sinkung into an endless pit of poverty.
Choices had to be made. I could stay in a life where I had financial security... that I would want for nothing..but at what a cost?
My marriage had disintergrated. There was no physical intimacy, no emotional intimacy....no sharing of dreams and plans. We were two people who had drifted apart and no longer knew each other. We had both changed and our marriage ceased to have any real purpose. Habit and need of companionship of any type kept us together.
One morning, I woke and realized my life was passing me by. I was not happy, I wasn't acheiving anything . I was not really doing anything except existing.And I was tired of existing in that void..anything seemed preferable. I wanted a life. A life of my own..not defined by anyone else.
I left. I was not without assets. I had a little money..enough to get by for awhile. I took several different jobs...jobs I would never have taken before or thought of. I came to realize how spoiled I was..pampered...untouched by the realities many people face day to day. I also realized how lazy I was..mentally ..how filled with fear I would not live up to my own expectations. This false pride ...it is still there..I live with it every day. The thing which keeps me going in the right direction is the realization that if I do not go forwatd...there is no going back... life..will not be worth living.
The first thing I had to do for myself was find a way to make a decent living...to do this I needed job skills. I have no family or friends to help me out. Luckily, the United States has programs to help people who cannot afford it, to go back to school. I am enrolled in college this fall. It will hard at my age and temperment ...I am optomistic most of the time.
Education is the biggest thing anyone can do for themselves..Knowledge, the say, is power...and so it is...it has the power to transform lives.
And what about my other needs?..I am making new friends slowly....I spend pleasant afternoons with people I would not have met before. I try to keep my loneliness at bay. I am learning the skills of making a life on my own. It is not easy. I cry sometimes and feel sorry for myself...there is nothing else I can do but try..and succeed.
My thoughts on all this...I have learned bitter lessons about myself and who I am....but I am beginning to find out....who I am. I am learning things about life and people I should have learned long ago....I do not know what will happen to me in the future...I only know I am doing what I want and the responsibility for my life is mine.