sternbee's Homepage

sternbee's Homepage http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee Sat, 02 Jan 2010 08:33 EST Sat, 02 Jan 2010 08:33 EST Zorpia.com :O 25-6 http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1913285 oh my god. she's back! she's PopPInG the QuEStIon!!!! Personal http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1913285 Wed, 24 Jun 2009 20:50 EST 24-6 http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1913111 I can't stop myeslf from sounding like a commitment freak even as I wrote this. I have read about my allocation yesterday but it hasn't kicked in until now. I wish my headache hasn't subsided a moment ago and that my mind is still too incoherent from it to register the fact that the ALLOCATION IS DONE. I haven't asked anyone else yet about theirs -it's not as if it makes any difference to know it now than 3 months later.... or does it? I don't know. For anyone whom I had estranged since before I came to know life-as-it-should-be in uni, it shouldn't be any surprise to them that I did't know anything about separation - or better yet, the difference between knowing and not knowing someone - until now. I'm not dumb. Being foolish is a different thing altogether, but I'm just not too dumb to know that the reason I could walk away from my graduation without giving a damn is that I had never ventured far enough in the field of friendship to find and to lose too much. I knew that all along, even when they were busy passing leaver's books around and when I was leaving mine pretty much empty. Staying in control of myself this way felt as if I had since I could remember it. It felt safe. I'm not going to delve too deep into the whole business with accommodation yet. Actually that was the first thought I came to, but that's really the centre of the whole problem isn't it? I wonder which of the 3 of us is going to dreary Preston..... if both of them are going to MRI, I'll give them 50 quid each. Yea, with both hands I shalt give them..... Of course, they're never gonna know about this.... P.S. Am I leaving out the Ginger.....? Personal http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1913111 Wed, 24 Jun 2009 00:36 EST uhmm http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1912340 Oh dear. OH ddddddearr. work please liver work work liver work Why is there no milk at home when I need it? It would make sense for them to keep some, even if only for my sister, in light of how she loves to exploit the stock at home. okay i know mocking about the "drink of sin" wasn't entirely appropriate, a mere thought however it was that had crossed my mind in first year, but I was pretty much a good girl since the text, then as far as social drinking was concerned.  Was it merely in jest that He made me remember how drunk I was when I first dared myself to kiss him back? If so then he is dealing me with a rather heavy hand for ever letting my guard down. I guess it wasn't entirely His fault that I took the matter of alcohol very lightly back then. Speaking of which, why did he bring me back to his place in the first place? I can't quite remember this, of all the other things that I can remember. All this "what if"s.... Personal http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1912340 Sat, 20 Jun 2009 09:39 EST 13-6-09 http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1910890 x_x ....for every passing second of seeing her with those familiar signs of starting a "serious/ insightful/ outrageous/ melodramatic conversations" (somewhere along the lines) with me I found myself jumping out of my skin.... Stop trying to dig into some truth that you won't be able to handle by yourself, woman! It's not as if your college kid hasn't got enough to deal with without a silly airhead parent to drag along on her way. Please understand and appreciate the fact that you are simply born to contend yourself with relative ignorance.   there is certainly something that requires more EQ than working against my own temper/ obstinacy, and that is to keep a secret from an over-inquisitive mother -only because on learning the truth there is 99.99999% chances of her making things worse. It's a high-stress job I've got here, man. P.S. With regards to the person mentioned above I think this is pretty much a summary of what had been going on between the two of us for at least THE LAST 8 years. Personal http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1910890 Sat, 13 Jun 2009 10:36 EST 6-12 http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1910589 5 full hours of good sleep. Real sleep. Two weeks must be an awfully long time for someone to stay insomniac, because for the first minute since i woke up this morning, that wholesome feeling barely seemed familiar to me. I can't even remember the last time I felt that way. It may not seem to be a lot but by the time I was about to pull the blanket over myself I was desperate. I even put off the whole idea of brushing my teeth because I thought lying still would help to ease me into a slumber. What I have achieved, as far as the last two weeks were concerned, was mere meditation in supine position which had only ever lasted 3 hours max. Nevertheless I managed this time round and I didn't do much apart from that one thing I had never had to do before. Waking up I simply wanted to say, "I love you!" in that frenzied way I usually do. I talked to Yan last night. She had disappeared from the virtual space ever since the nurse found her at her laptop with a fever of 38.2 C. She is alright now, and had been pressing me, painfully, for details. I let her know that he'd dumped me. After that it was as if I couldn't tell her anymore than that but we only kept talking because of her relentless questions. Whenever we talked about things of this sort, I am usually the one who spills out quicker than she could reply to me. Strange as it may seem, that would still have been the case had she come back to me straight after J and I ended our business, but she couldn't, and when I tried to talk to her about it I could no longer find the words. I am still ecstatic to find her online, but that was more because I need to check on her and make sure she is okay than because I want to talk to her about the fall out. Talking to her about myself seemed so futile now - it's like I had to keep it to myself because there are just some things that no living man other than myself can comprehend in words. I suppose that's why I prefer to work on it with Him instead. Working on something but not knowing what it is. In short, I just had to cut her short when she went straight from I-don't-understand-why-this-is-happening to Baby-you-need-to-get-over-it. This is the only one time when she is definitely not helping. She may, indeed, be the one friend out of all who knows me in-and-out, but there's no understanding of how stubborn I could be, especially when I am stubborn about the fact that 1) it won't work with him and 2) I can't see a future with anyone else. The only two people in my life who had a glimpse of the true depth of my obstinacy are probably the One who had been around all along, and one who loved me. Please work this out for me. Please. It is as much about me losing grip on reality as about me being overwhelmed by things beyond my control. If You know what's best for me does it include being unhappy for as long as I am aware that things were not meant to be the way it is, in what You had originally intended? You are presenting me with a riddle so much harder than the one I had rejected you for, it is as if this is for the sake of punishing someone else as well as me. Even after all the forgiveness, I still have no idea how to be who you wanted me to be with what had already happened, and I suppose if I want to know, there is only one way -patience. Personal http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1910589 Fri, 12 Jun 2009 00:29 EST 5-6 http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1909024 There were simply too many dreams to be accounted of these couple of days since he hung up. Of course, I'd have to take into consideration the fact that there had barely been a moment passed (except meal times, when I would have to eat just so that my mother and the old man would have the reason to steer clear of the subject of That Boy Who Slept With Our Daughter) when I was happy enough to come out of my dark little cocoon. It was probably a sign that I had spent too many hours asleep that the first thought in my head when I woke up is to make sure that he gets his mind wiped. Too bad they still haven't done some sort of venture into this area of medicine. Imagine the enormous number of volunteers that will spring up from all over the place. It's not that I am so desperate to stretch out whatever future we had in mind for the two of us that I came up with things like this. "Extreme measures" to serve my own ends, he once called it - some time after I tried to ditch him for the second time. Yes, I'd like to think that there wouldn't be a day when this has to end the natural way -not one when I go against human nature to try to stop ourselves from rushing to the end of it, but when he stopped pushing it forward. There's no question that I knew this is going to be the natural end, else why the endless effort to try to run away from it? Human nature doesn't help. It never does. Human nature means that we all have limits that, in my case, I'd rather not have to go through the pain to desbribe it. I have the limit to which I can control my own obstinacy. It certainly was not just two days ago when I first realised that I could go all the way with love as well as with pride. Human nature means that however perfect he is, there is still a switch in him that would go off when I present too much of a strain on him. Damage control in my style is  insane, but not incomprehensible. I think He, of all, would be able to comprehend it. If I had wanted to further things between him and I, I wouldn't have wanted to leave my own mind intact while wiping his. Afterall, memories of how I had actually managed to hurt him would not stop me from running away from him again. Oh yes, I am sure I will go back to who I was at the very beginning if I were to have mine wiped. Everything left is what he perceived -sweet, kind, anything but paranoid. He was right about me. It's just that I can't trust him to be able to steer clear of me, even if given the consciousness that we had been down that road before. I am not sure how irresistble the idea of me was at the beginning, but I know him, and quite the contrary to me, he doesn't have the inherent ability to run away from warning signs, especially when they are stacked right next to the sweetest thing about me. He just loves to overlook things. There are also two other reasons why he is going to be the only one to get his little "bad night of drinking". It's his only chance to true healing. And I am not giving up the memories, not if there is actually an alternate reality, which there really isnt. Don't believe those bullshit.  Looking up, I'd say, this is a nice one to knock sense into my head. I have the gut feeling that this is the last time he would have to do this. Personal http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1909024 Fri, 05 Jun 2009 03:42 EST . http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1876082 it's hard to put it in words, but bullying really do mean a lot more than what most minds could comprehend. some say that they have never really been able to place it i don't even know how you did it, but you simply did- i didn't ever tried to look back in time- i swear i didn't. i reckon you looked back at me, while i'm trying to hold my chin up for what i have ahead of me (starting from that point onwards) i don't even know the reality from imagination anymore whether i really am stuck in a 13-year-old's body, or if it's just you making me feel that way i only know, for one thing, that you are messing with my mind some think that the most masterful of words can put feelings on tangible paper words that have never been able to get hold of the body     i am trapped in feelings that always have a different meaning to another's mind i happen to know that you couldn't have made me feel what i felt without moulding me this way Personal http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1876082 Tue, 27 Jan 2009 14:16 EST test http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1641156 é‘‘å®šçµæžœ æ‚¨çš„ç²¾ç¥žå¹´é½¡33æ² èˆ‡æ‚¨å¯¦éš›å¹´é½¡å·®14æ² å¹¼ç¨šåº¦48ï¼… æˆç†Ÿåº¦43ï¼… è€åŒ–åº¦47ï¼… <a href="http://www.mathsking.net/test/think.htm">http://www.mathsking.net/test/think.htm</a> That old? Personal http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1641156 Fri, 02 Feb 2007 17:33 EST . http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1480150 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Personal http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1480150 Wed, 08 Feb 2006 16:32 EST . http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1479878 Michelle, Michelle, Michelle, where is your brain?You wrote a reaction pathway for a question asking for the "enthalpy profile"?Go die and get a life la you  Personal http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1479878 Wed, 08 Feb 2006 06:35 EST . http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1479447 é‘‘å®šçµæžœ æ‚¨çš„ç²¾ç¥žå¹´é½¡25æ² èˆ‡æ‚¨å¯¦éš›å¹´é½¡å·®7æ² å¹¼ç¨šåº¦48%æˆç†Ÿåº¦36%è€åŒ–åº¦31% What to say? I don't think so lor.... Frankly, I have to admit that I feel more like going through some sort of belated rebellion, rather than actually reaching mental stability. So I think cimcim is right about this while at the B&B.... <a href="http://www.mathsking.net/test/think.htm">http://www.mathsking.net/test/think.htm</a> Personal http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1479447 Tue, 07 Feb 2006 10:20 EST . http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1474902 Once again I let off my mind about finding the technician. The exeat seems to be yet another one of those weekends where I can't set myself to work, or to remember that there is anything that needs to be done at all....and trouble always seem to find me during the school days rather than at weekends. The frees in the morning was nothing sort of eventful until I realised that I have got this nasty pain at the lower end of my back whenever I tried to stretch a bit and bend backwards. I tried to trace this back to the stiff back I got when I woke up this morning. The thing is, I had to carry this wretched back around with me with probably way more than the standard limit of mass. It's an unfathomable miracle that I made it to the doorsteps of B1 before my bones/muscles reach the breaking point, according to all my best estimates of physics.Then my cold came back to find me in the middle of the biology. It seemed to have come out of nowhere, since I can't ever recall quivering this badly in the morning in any Winter in Burgess Hill before. It must have started since last Friday when I spent virtually the whole morning sitting in a Chichester cathedral with their stupid big door wide open throughout the 2-hour Centenary service. Ever since that I had been feeling like my mom, sneezing like crazy whenever there is the slightest movement in the air.So, yeah, I'll admit it if anyone found me irritable this morning. Come off it -I can't stretch, I can barely breathe (congestion of nostrils due to profuse amount of XXXXX), I can barely speak (yes, I'm stilling croaking like I'm from another planet).... I can't tell if I'm actually thinking properly when I jot down my notes on practical anyalsis since my flow of thinking (whatever that is) is already impeded by all the aforementioned physical disabilities. Personal http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1474902 Mon, 30 Jan 2006 12:39 EST . http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1472669 Tell you what -this isn't the first time i å˜”æ³¡ in biologyBiology triple today as usual -it's not as if it's avoidable, though certainly not a very appealing triple option for any Thursday in my life. Peeling the XXXX epidermis off the onion is probably the easiest part of it all, being a procedure that had probably been the scariest thing throughout my entire first term. That was blind panic. What's next down my list is to cut them into approx. 5 sq. mm  squares as samples, and these damn vegetbale's epidermis shivelled even when I am peeling them off. I couldn't bother how to stick them flat to the tile anymore than how the others did it. 12 squares off the tiles, then 2 each of the shivelling lot into the 6 big tubes -and even that was over and done with for the rest of the class a whole ten minutes before I can finish. And even before that was peel, 20 minutes for razor cuts, dry clipping and all the microscope frenzy at the micro-millimillimilli meter level in a triple--------?Chi SinDon't ask me whether I had finished it or not. The last thing I want to happen in coursework is when I saw microscopes coming out of the cupboards. I had NO IDEA what makes anybody think microscopes are manageable for cell observation after 4 pm in a British Winter. Maybe an electronphoto will do the job. I had to almost cry to blink up so long counting the whole 50 or so cells, which probably won't even pass for an accuracy up to 3 in the O section. There's an up side to it as well. All these stupid careers are gone --I'm off Biology, and Physics rocks!!!There's never a weirder twist then this. Personal http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1472669 Thu, 26 Jan 2006 12:16 EST .. http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1468338 I feel sad for X looking at her today in biology, explaining a turnip coursework to M. This is just a bit too much of a push and shove Personal http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1468338 Thu, 19 Jan 2006 10:18 EST .. http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1465433 Let's just say that I'mglad nobody is ever going to come back to zorpia anymoresicne this is a place where I can write simply for myself Personal http://www.zorpia.com/sternbee/journal/1465433 Sun, 15 Jan 2006 09:54 EST