Thursday,Jun 25 2009, 01:50:18 AM:O 25-6

oh my god. she's back! she's PopPInG the QuEStIon!!!!

Wednesday,Jun 24 2009, 05:36:17 AM24-6

I can't stop myeslf from sounding like a commitment freak even as I wrote this. I have read about my allocation yesterday but it hasn't kicked in until now. I wish my headache hasn't subsided a moment ago and that my mind is still too incoherent from it to register the fact that the ALLOCATION IS DONE. I haven't asked anyone else yet about theirs -it's not as if it makes any difference to know it now than 3 months later.... or does it? I don't know.

For anyone whom I had estranged since before I came to know life-as-it-should-be in uni, it shouldn't be any surprise to them that I did't know anything about separation - or better yet, the difference between knowing and not knowing someone - until now.

I'm not dumb. Being foolish is a different thing altogether, but I'm just not too dumb to know that the reason I could walk away from my graduation without giving a damn is that I had never ventured far enough in the field of friendship to find and to lose too much. I knew that all along, even when they were busy passing leaver's books around and when I was leaving mine pretty much empty. Staying in control of myself this way felt as if I had since I could remember it. It felt safe.

I'm not going to delve too deep into the whole business with accommodation yet. Actually that was the first thought I came to, but that's really the centre of the whole problem isn't it?

I wonder which of the 3 of us is going to dreary Preston..... if both of them are going to MRI, I'll give them 50 quid each. Yea, with both hands I shalt give them.....

Of course, they're never gonna know about this....

P.S. Am I leaving out the Ginger.....?

Saturday,Jun 20 2009, 02:39:55 PMuhmm

Oh dear. OH ddddddearr.

work please liver work work liver work

Why is there no milk at home when I need it? It would make sense for them to keep some, even if only for my sister, in light of how she loves to exploit the stock at home.

okay i know mocking about the "drink of sin" wasn't entirely appropriate, a mere thought however it was that had crossed my mind in first year, but I was pretty much a good girl since the text, then as far as social drinking was concerned. 

Was it merely in jest that He made me remember how drunk I was when I first dared myself to kiss him back? If so then he is dealing me with a rather heavy hand for ever letting my guard down.

I guess it wasn't entirely His fault that I took the matter of alcohol very lightly back then. Speaking of which, why did he bring me back to his place in the first place? I can't quite remember this, of all the other things that I can remember.

All this "what if"s....

Saturday,Jun 13 2009, 03:36:45 PM13-6-09

x_x

....for every passing second of seeing her with those familiar signs of starting a "serious/ insightful/ outrageous/ melodramatic conversations" (somewhere along the lines) with me I found myself jumping out of my skin....

Stop trying to dig into some truth that you won't be able to handle by yourself, woman!

It's not as if your college kid hasn't got enough to deal with without a silly airhead parent to drag along on her way. Please understand and appreciate the fact that you are simply born to contend yourself with relative ignorance.

 

there is certainly something that requires more EQ than working against my own temper/ obstinacy, and that is to keep a secret from an over-inquisitive mother -only because on learning the truth there is 99.99999% chances of her making things worse.

It's a high-stress job I've got here, man.

P.S. With regards to the person mentioned above I think this is pretty much a summary of what had been going on between the two of us for at least THE LAST 8 years.

Friday,Jun 12 2009, 05:29:59 AM6-12

5 full hours of good sleep. Real sleep.

Two weeks must be an awfully long time for someone to stay insomniac, because for the first minute since i woke up this morning, that wholesome feeling barely seemed familiar to me. I can't even remember the last time I felt that way.

It may not seem to be a lot but by the time I was about to pull the blanket over myself I was desperate. I even put off the whole idea of brushing my teeth because I thought lying still would help to ease me into a slumber. What I have achieved, as far as the last two weeks were concerned, was mere meditation in supine position which had only ever lasted 3 hours max.

Nevertheless I managed this time round and I didn't do much apart from that one thing I had never had to do before. Waking up I simply wanted to say, "I love you!" in that frenzied way I usually do.

I talked to Yan last night. She had disappeared from the virtual space ever since the nurse found her at her laptop with a fever of 38.2 C. She is alright now, and had been pressing me, painfully, for details. I let her know that he'd dumped me. After that it was as if I couldn't tell her anymore than that but we only kept talking because of her relentless questions.

Whenever we talked about things of this sort, I am usually the one who spills out quicker than she could reply to me. Strange as it may seem, that would still have been the case had she come back to me straight after J and I ended our business, but she couldn't, and when I tried to talk to her about it I could no longer find the words. I am still ecstatic to find her online, but that was more because I need to check on her and make sure she is okay than because I want to talk to her about the fall out. Talking to her about myself seemed so futile now - it's like I had to keep it to myself because there are just some things that no living man other than myself can comprehend in words.

I suppose that's why I prefer to work on it with Him instead. Working on something but not knowing what it is.

In short, I just had to cut her short when she went straight from I-don't-understand-why-this-is-happening to Baby-you-need-to-get-over-it. This is the only one time when she is definitely not helping. She may, indeed, be the one friend out of all who knows me in-and-out, but there's no understanding of how stubborn I could be, especially when I am stubborn about the fact that 1) it won't work with him and 2) I can't see a future with anyone else. The only two people in my life who had a glimpse of the true depth of my obstinacy are probably the One who had been around all along, and one who loved me.

Please work this out for me. Please. It is as much about me losing grip on reality as about me being overwhelmed by things beyond my control. If You know what's best for me does it include being unhappy for as long as I am aware that things were not meant to be the way it is, in what You had originally intended? You are presenting me with a riddle so much harder than the one I had rejected you for, it is as if this is for the sake of punishing someone else as well as me. Even after all the forgiveness, I still have no idea how to be who you wanted me to be with what had already happened, and I suppose if I want to know, there is only one way -patience.