Journals
Monday,Nov 7 2005, 04:29:45 PManother monday... getting closer to judgement day
16:33 Cedar Lodge HE library (current: 1 occupant)
I just came back from triple chemistry.
However dreary I feel, I am certain that this isn't yet another one of those typical sickness I get from the UK weather. We are doing moments in Physics today, and I couldn't even apply a single simple definition of a 'moment about a point' to a question.
My brain is malfunctioning so badly these days that any common sense I was capable of seems convoluted.
Varley had said that she would like to give us a little quiz on our grasp of the theories and definitions. The truth is, I wasn't even half believing that she would actually give us a test (like I can do any without devoting my entire evening to a single question -in other words, I am dead meat). But I induce myself in 15 minutes of intensive staring into the new chapter anyway. Either I was to get a nasty surprise -if Varley was not kidding us- or I was to get an even nastier surprise when I realise I'm only two-weeks into my first external Physics exam.
So, same for chemistry, except that it can really be hard work organising my folder. Harder, probably, even than monitoring a class practical, where my results has a 100cm^3 gap.
Tuesday,Nov 1 2005, 02:45:02 PM.....
I am not the kind of person who would normally just sit and whine when things go wrong. Given that there is a way in my circumstances to work around the problems -but reality simply like to test my limits. Thank god I am rational enough to not start believing in fate. The fact is, I am so close to craziness my rationality is the only thing that's keeping me in check, before I start wondering whether I am destined to be some sort of helpless denial all my life.
Okay, putting aside my nutty second-family from Hell, virtually everything else is spinning out of my control. I can't exactly say how, but the scary thing is that this is just where I was when I was deciding whether to come to the UK or not. I just can't possibly take this responsibility any better than I take the previous one. And frankly, nothing has been going the typical way as with others ever since I made that decision to take my chance and spend the next two years or so here.
I would have done something about it if there is anything I can do, or a better way to do it at all. I don't have connections, I don't have experience, and sadly, I don't have any more common sense than I had two years ago. Yeah sure enough I got some impressive letter A's on a qualification credit called GCSE, fair enough, but that's exactly the only thing I've got. And another thing? I am RUNNING out of time.
I'm dead enough without having to spend 10 whole precious days of my teenage years stuck with a couple who sleep 12 hours a days, who probably haven't went into a mall for at least 365 days, who doesn't want to know about anything outside of an English county and who worry about little things apart from what they should get for their Sunday lunch.
-UNBELIEVABLE.