Tuesday,Feb 22 2005, 08:57:41 AMim tired.. real tired.. tired of my family...

im tired.. real tired.. tired of my family and my bgr prob..

firstly is my family.. dun noe which damn idiot go and tell my mum that i've got a bible with me at home.. my mum alwaz hate christianity.. she dun wan anybody in the family to even think of God.. i think is my eldest sis who have told her abt it.. i alwaz hate my eldest sis.. she's a big mouth.. she can do watever she like to the family.. but she dun expect us to do the same to her.. if you do it, she will curse you.. for example.. if you wear her shoes and she found out, she will curse that one day, you will break your legs.. maybe you guys wont believe this, but that's how cruel my eldest is.. she never been good to anyone of us.. at least thruout my 18 years of life, she NEVER been good to me once.. next is my parent.. remember in the previous journal, i said i worked until very late.. i went home.. very tired.. but when i reach home, everybody in the family seem to be shooting at me.. whatever i do are wrong..my parent never understand me.. they dun noe wat i wan.. i want freedom.. I WANT FREEDOM..

secondly is my bgr prob.. just had a big quarrel with him.. i forget that i should call him today to reconfirm whether i want to have lunch with him a not.. i really forget abt the entire thing.. i was bz study for my clinical yesterday and i didnt sleep for the whole nite.. i even forget abt some of the procedures, how he expect me to remember to call him.. then he say that i dun take him word seriously.. i keep on saying sorry to him.. but he keep on saying things that make me think that im not a perfect  galfren.. im not up to his standard.. i break down just now on the phone.. partly bcoz of my family, partly bcoz of today's skills assessment and also his words.. his word oso make me lost all the confident in myself.. the confident that i want to be his perfect galfren.. i completely break down.. then, i contact lens drop out.. and he noe that when im completely break down, he will never noe (even myself) that wat i'll do.. seriously.. he ask me to say out my prob to a fren that can be trust.. but i told him that i dun have..

thruout my life, i never had a true fren.. a fren that i can share my prob with.. yes, there are frenz who i can share other kinds of prob, but not my family prob.. in my whole entire life, i only got one fren who i used to share my family prob with her in sec sch.. but she betrayed me.. she went to tell her parent.. (i expect her to just keep this to herself, but.. no..) since then, i never share my family prob with anyone..im afraid that they will betrayed me again.. i dun like the feeling if being betray by fren esp when i very trust her.. ben ask me not to keep everything to myself, look for a fren.. tell them your prob.. dun suffer myself.. buti told him on the phone that i dun trust anybody..

after i hang up.. i did seriously think thru everthing.. yes, maybe i should try to share my prob with my frenz.. that's the reason why i blog.. it will be a long long story..

maybe all my frnez thinks that im a siao and cheerful gal.. but inside me, i have this thinking of committing suicide.. i start to have this thinking when i was  in pri 4.. i used to draw 20 hearts on a paper.. once my parent 'break' all the 20 hearts i'll kill myself.. everytime they hit me or scold me, i'll 'break' one heart.. as time goes by, all 20 hearts are being used up, i'll try to give them chance.. when they are good to me, i'll give them one more extra heart.. the thinking of committing suicide come and go until 13 when im in sec 1..

 in that year, their treatment towards me is getting from bad to worse.. my siblings oso the same.. i never be loved by my family at that time.. my parent treat all my siblings well except me.. maybe it's becoz that im not a male and i dun noe how to earn money yet.. i almost cried and think of suicidal everyday.. i think of lots of ways to die.. try to swallow batteries, thinking of eating washing powder or drinking detergents, cut my wrist, knock my head against the wall and blah blah blah.. whenever they hit or scold me, i will have this very pain sensation in my heart.. like my heart is goin to fall out.. until one very fine day.. i went to my fren's house to do project.. i didnt call home to inform that i'll reach home late and i went home at 7+.. after i reach home, my mum was like already prepare a cane to 'welcome' me.. and of course, i get to eat 'char kuay keow' that nite.. she keep on hitting me like nobody's biz.. i cried and cried.. i cried until i cannot tahan the pain liao, den i shouted.. "wo shou bu liao le!!!!!" den i rush to the kitchen and use a knife to point at my neck.. in front of my mum.. the next moment, my mum and i was crying there.. i think you guys should noe the answer.. whether the suicidal is 'successful' a not.. i noe that my action will hurt my parent a lot, but at that point of time, i really hate the whole world.. yes.. HATE!!!!!

i noe that you guys will think that my actions are stupid,selfish and cruel.. cruel to the pple ard me esp my parent.. but i really dun care.. i really want to get out of this world.. i really tired of everyone in the family.. i even think that im not their biological daughter.. i rather run away from reality den  facing the prob.. haix.. after the suicidal, i didnt talk to my parent for a few months.. i think they oso try their way to make me feel the love that  they give me.. as time pass, i slowly accept their love and i start to treat them well.. even since then, i rarely cry and never think of suicidal again..

recently, my relationship with my parent is getting sour again.. and honestly, the thinking of suicidal is appearing in my mind again.. i dun noe..i think i should start reading bible le.. no matter how bz i am.. but i can only read the bible in sch.. coz if the bible is still in my house, i dun noe wat my parent will do.. i scared they tear the bible.. so i had to lied to my parent that i just helping my frenz to keep.. i noe that i've deny God, but i really dun want anything to happen to the bible.. partly bcoz this is given by ben's mother... this is my very first bible and i dun want anything to break the mode of communication between God and i.. i think thru of everything.. maybe i should start to be a good gal so that my mum will believe that it's God who have changed me (which is true).. and i noe that God will give me the strength that i need.. no matter wat, i'll never give up on God.. nothing will stop me.. NOTHING..  

220205... 1719...

*after you guys read the msg, somehow i feel that you guys will change the way of thinking towards me.. in a positive or negative way.. i dun noe.. but i just trying to open myself.. thanks ben for his advices.. i felt very relieved after this..* 

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Monday,Feb 21 2005, 06:54:56 AMhey hey.. was quite tired tis few days[IMAGE]

hey hey.. was quite tired tis few days.. yesterday work until very late.. tis morning didnt go for two lectures.. was sleeping at home.. yesterday, went to ben's house.. suppose to attend service, but ben had to go see doc.. went to eat breakfast with his parent.. den ben pass me a bible which was given by his parent.. they went to bishan, life bookshop to buy.. they brought a simplied version so that it's easy for me to understand.. and his mum keep on reminding me to bring home the bible.. was touched.. coz this is my very first bible.. quite excited to read it.. but had to study for my clinical assessment.. haiz.. having skills assessment tml.. not such confident in serving medicine.. dressing still ok.. had to go for elective le.. see ya..

210205.. 1551..

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Tuesday,Feb 15 2005, 04:23:18 AMyo.. was valentines' day yesterday[IMAGE]..wa

yo.. was valentines' day yesterday..was celebrating our very first valentines' day with ben.. in fact, this is my first time celebrating valentines' day.. in the past few years, i just staying at home, celebrating tis day with my tv.. haha.. 

went to his house afta my elective.. both of us trying to act like we both didnt prepare any present for one another..we give each other a card only..he finish reading my card first, den he just snatch my bag and take out his present.. den he made me go and search the whole room for my present..afta we finish opening our present, we gamble with his parent while waiting for our pizza delivery.. manage to finish up the pizza (two regular pizza) before we go junction 8 to watch movie..didnt watch a any movie coz some show only left single seat, some show only left the front two rows.. anyway, he send me home, and we chat a little while at my estate there before we end our day..  

i made a card for him.. it's a kind of sand art that i made it myself.. with " love ya" on it.. and i oso give him a 'adidas' perfume.. i brought that last min in the school.. ask jian hao along with me coz he oso using the perfume.. the smell quite nice, that's why i brought one for ben too.. hope that he'll like it..

he give me a box of chocolate and a bottle of stars that he made himself.. he told me that he start to made stars one week ago.. and he manage to finish up half of the bottle the nite before.. and of coz.. he didnt sleep that nite.. thank you my dear..

had to go look for medicine name le.. lata still muz go his ben's house to look for him.. see ya..

150205... 1421..

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Thursday,Feb 10 2005, 11:06:42 AMnow in royce hse.. waiting for the arrival...

now in royce hse.. waiting for the arrival of jo n jon.. with ben(dear dear) and gary.. u guys saw my profile photo??? tts my DEAR... we r oki already n we r happily together now.. n this will stay 4eva..

jus wanna update u guys wat happen tt day.. i went to his house and broke down... i was very stress tt few days.. i cried n cried den my dear dear let me c one of the verses frm the bible.. somehow i was cool down after he read the verse.. den my dear dear pray for me and our relationship.. while we were praying i could sense God's presence... i felt tt He is there for us... anyway i accepted the Lord Jesus Christ into my heart.. and i leave my life in His hands..

went to church with my dear , jo n jon last sunday.. really had a enjoyable time.. felt wonderful n was glad tt ben had again found the peace in his heart... (one ting very strange de.. i didnt tell anyone that i went to church.. but the next day.. everyone seems to noe that i went to church.. haha..) tried to read the Bible tis few day.. didnt quite understand some parts of it.. one day must ask my dear to study the Bible with me so that he can explain to me.. 

dear dear and gary just finish watching porn.. and i was there too.. SOOooo digusting.. dun noe why they keep laughing.. i guess im blushing.. haha.. so paiseh.. coz im the only gal there..

heex.. forgot to wish you guys.. HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR.. gong xi fa cai.. selamat tahun baru cina.. hope that you guys can get more ang bao.. btw.. oyster owe me ang bao.. he suppose to gif me red packet with money.. but he gave me only the red packet with nothing inside.. not even a melon seed shell.. sobx.. anyway, had to go eat dinner with dear dear and royce while waiting for jo, jon and gary..

100205.. 2104.. ( below this is a msg for you guys from my dear dear..)

ben:hey to yue ning frens.. sorry abt all the quarrels we both had tt had to trouble ya guys.. thanks alot for standing by her.. anyway jus to let u guys know.. i do really love her n i will never let her go.. i hereby would like to say i will treasure yue ning 4eva no matter wat may happen..

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Friday,Feb 4 2005, 06:40:45 AMhaix.. another quarrel with my boyfren again.

haix.. another quarrel with my boyfren again.. this time is bcoz he saw my blog regarding the one abt my ex boss.. he's angry because i didnt tell him abt wat happen.. i didnt tell him abt wat my ex boss has did to me.. because lf this, jo, jon and one of his fren was involved.. he scolded jo on the phone.. i was with oyster when jo told me abt it.. i was so angry that i called him and ask him why muz he scold jo.. halfway though, i cried.. oyster was so scared.. after i hang up the call, oyster keep on asking me, whether im alrite a not.. he went to buy me  a drink with jo.. *so sweet*

"to oyster.. thanks for ur concern.. sorry to scared you that day.. btw, next time if im cryin, pls dun buy me drink.. i prefer pearl you noe.."

this is the biggest quarrel that we ever had.. dun noe why, i just got this strong feeling that i'll break up with him.. but i really want this relationship to go on as long as possible.. just talk to him on the phone for an hour plus.. we try to talk things out.. and we manage to resolve some prob.. just hope that we can solve everything lata when i get to meet him..

had to go for my lecture le.. will update u guys.. take care..

040205..1643..

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